Hi, wendylau98! I'm Pan and I'll be reviewing your work today.
First Impressions
I like the idea behind this piece. The premise intrigued me; I haven't read much literature about aspiring musicians and it's something that has real potential to be interesting. The writing itself does need a lot of work. I know English isn't your first language so I do commend you for writing in it as well as you do, but the piece is going to need a lot of tidying up before it's a comfortable read. I'll take you through some of the issues now.
Nitpicks
The audiences all rose to their feet and applauded as I played my master piece that I name it "Fiery Heart"
1) Just 'audience' without the 's' would work here, because it isn't common that you see 'audiences' as a plural.
2) 'Masterpiece' is one word.
3) 'That I name it "Fiery Heart" is slightly awkward expression. You could phrase the whole sentence simply as: The audience rose to their feet and applauded as I played my masterpiece, "Fiery Heart".
The powerful melody screamed out from the Grand Piano
A scream is an unpleasant sound, so not the best thing to compare a beautiful melody to. Also, 'grand piano' doesn't need capital letters.
The passion, the love, the transcendent.
'Transcendent' is actually an adjective so it doesn't work here. 'Transcendence' is the noun form and would be more appropriate.
I slowly open my eyes, once again return back to the reality. I stood and faced the audiences
Watch your tenses. You do a lot of flip-flopping between present and past tense throughout the whole piece - here, you move from the present tense 'open' to the past tense 'stood'. You need to pick one to write in and stick with it.
I waved with my silky gloved handed
Expression is off here. Perhaps substitute it for something like 'I waved my gloved hand'. Though, to be honest, I don't think you need to mention that she's wearing gloves at all. It isn't important.
I stretch out my arm and grab my Galaxy Note 4
It isn't important that we know the model of her phone. Just say 'I grab my phone'. Only include specific details if they're actually relevant.
a song I'm writing but far from finish
1) 'Song' is the wrong word here, because a song has words - it's sung. She's presumably writing an instrumental. I'd call it a 'piece'.
2) Watch your expression. Something like 'a song I'm writing but haven't yet finished' would sound more natural.
"Mel, time to wake up before your late for school!!" My brother shouted from downstairsasking me to wake up.
1) 'Your' should be 'you're', as it's a contraction of 'you are'.
2) I wouldn't use double exclamation marks. It looks a bit unprofessional. Just one exclamation mark will do.
3) You don't need to say that he's asking her to wake up. It's obvious from his dialogue.
I wouldn't want a room that looks like a tornado and a tsunami victim.
I'm not sure about this. I don't feel like a room can really look like a victim, because a victim is usually a person. Maybe if you said 'I wouldn't want my room to look like it had been hit by a tsunami' it would work better.
Then I stand in front of my mahogany vanity table, and stared into the mirror and what look back at me is a sixteen year old girl in her purple PJ's with a bird-nest-like hair. The only thing that look remarkable about me is my green eyes and raven black hair.
Avoid this cliché like the plague! So many writers have their characters stare at their reflections during the first few pages of a novel, and it only ever feels like a way to get some hamfisted description in. It is not that important to describe your main character, trust me. In one of my favourite books, the only things you really know about the main character is that he's Caucasian and has grey eyes.
I decided to wear simple because it look like it won't be raining any time soon.
Did you mean 'wear simple clothes'? I feel like you're missing a word in there. Also, why would you dress simply because it didn't look like it was going to rain? I could understand picking out something warm if it looked like the weather was going to be dismal, or skimpy if you thought it was going to be hot, but other than that I'm not sure how the weather would affect your clothing choice.
My favourite kind of breakfest!
The correct spelling is 'breakfast'.
Beside me is a very stylish black hair, green eyes with cloths that I.WOULD.NEVER wear even if I am a boy because it can attract people's attention easily. Eighteen years old boy, who happens to share the same parent - my brother.
Hoo, this sentence is a bit of a train wreck! I'm guessing you mean something like this:
Beside me is a stylish, black-haired, green-eyed boy, wearing clothes I'd never wear even if I was a boy. My brother.
That's what I guessed you were trying to say. However, I don't understand why she's describing her brother when she presumably sees him every day. When I walk down to breakfast and see my sister, I don't acknowledge her brown hair and brown eyes - I'm so used to her that her appearance barely registers with me.
"Yeah, I even dream I was playing at The Vienna State Opera." I replied screamingly because I was still in that moment.
1) 'Dream' should be 'dreamed' or 'dreamt' (depends if you're writing in American or British English).
2) Screamingly? I'm not sure that's the word you're looking for. It means 'extremely', so you're effectively saying 'I replied extremely', which doesn't make sense. Do you mean she's half-screaming or something? Why on earth would she be?
"Really? Was I there too? I really want to go there someday!" My brother who is two years older than me who attend the same art school as me asked.
Don't force too much information into dialogue clauses. It feels incredibly unnatural. Just stick to 'my brother asked' and explain that he goes to the same art school later in the story, when it's a relevant point to bring up. There's no point saying it now, when they aren't talking about art or school.
"Whatt??
Like with the exclamation marks, avoid double question marks. It looks amateurish. Also, I don't like the double 't's, because I don't think they capture the right sound. If you had something like "Whaaat?" instead, that would better emulate the drawn-out vowel I think you're going for. Just a suggestion, of course.
Overall Thoughts
1) Obviously grammar is the most immediate problem here. Picking a tense and sticking to it is the first thing you need to sort - at the moment, you're probably writing predominantly in present tense, but the beginning of the piece is in past. You need to go over it and make it uniform.
You also struggle with punctuating dialogue. I'm strapped for time so I won't go into it myself, but I'd suggest you check out this handy article for a short crash course into what punctuation to use when writing dialogue. It won't cover everything, so I'd advise looking around for more guides if you think you need them.
2) Remember to keep your description natural. When you're writing in the first person, you need to remain aware about what your character would and wouldn't naturally pay attention to. If you're behind the eyes of a character, it's incredibly unlikely that they would consciously observe the details of their own appearance or their brother's appearance, because they'd be incredibly familiar with both of those things. It would be like me waking up in the morning and actively thinking 'I have brown hair!' even though it's something I've always known.
If you want to describe things that are familiar to the narrator, you need to be more subtle. One technique is to give the narrator a reason to notice it. Imagine if Melody came downstairs and realised that her brother had dyed his hair since she last saw him. That would give her a reason to focus on his hair and describe it, and possibly talk about what it looked like before.
Another technique is to incorporate the description into the action of the story, often in tiny bits. For instance, let's imagine a character said 'I fiddled with a lock of my hair, pulling it taut and then letting it wind itself up again.' That's description tucked inside an action. In talking about fiddling with their hair, we learn that said hair is naturally curly. It's a small detail, but subtle description often is done via tiny details. It's the only way you can effectively describe a first person narrator.
The main thing to remember with character description is that it isn't actually essential. If it doesn't feel natural, it shouldn't be there. If there's no good reason to put it in, don't put it in.
3) The actual content of your dialogue comes across as slightly wooden. When you write conversations, make sure you read them aloud as well. Act them out like a script, putting in intonation and tone of voice and all that jazz. It helps you get a sense of whether a conversation has a believable naturalness or not, even if you look a bit nuts talking to yourself.
Once you've tightened up the realism of the dialogue, I think I'll really get to love Melody and her brother's relationship. They seem to have a nice banter, and he in particular seems like he'll be a laugh.
4) Don't underestimate the capacity of the reader to understand what's going on. You over-clarify a lot. When you tell us that Melody has a shower, you don't need to tell us that she's doing it to get clean. Everybody knows that you shower to get clean. When her brother shouts at her to get up, you don't need to repeat that he's shouting at her to wake up, because we can tell that from the dialogue alone. Don't underestimate the reader's attention span. We can work out a lot for ourselves.
I'll call the review there! I think you've got a lot to work on before the piece reaches its full potential, but I hope you persevere with it. Editing and hard work does wonders for writing, and the piece could really shine with the right alterations. I hope this review helped!
Keep writing!
~Pan
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