tick tick tick
the clock upon the mantle
sounds magnified to me
all else is silent.
not a knock, or a footstep,
or a ring.
i moved the phone away from me
hours ago
my eyes can't move from it;
they won't move.
you haven't called.
so my eyes stare while i sit-
i just sit,
and my eyes stare
and my ears stare too
at the tick, tick, ticking clock
and the silent phone-
i feel like a fool.
what am i waiting for?
the thought taunts me
i've had too much of this
somebody stop that clock!
how silly, i think.
a command
given to no one.
i'll smash the thing myself.
and i do
and now it sits next to the phone
two little heaps of broken things,
side by side,
they've the same fate.
one was smashed for its maddening tick,
the other destroyed for its silence.
it's still silent.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The way you compared the telephone and the clock was interesting, but the rest of the poem doesn't really go anywhere. It seems to much like a stream of consciousness to really appeal to me as the reader, especially the first part. It just drags on into emotion and unnecessary "ands".
into that shorter space.Getting to the point. This would be much more effective if you shortened it and put only your really good stuff, like this:
Word choice. The word "tick" was used too many times; in some places you can cut it out:
And in others you can replace it with a different (and possibly better) word:
And this part:
Could be rephrased:
one was destroyed for its maddening tick,
the other for its silence.
Yes, that last line can be cut out entirely.
Sudden exclamations! The "somebody stop that clock!" was completely unnecessary, and I see no justification for its presence. It creates an awkward break in the middle of the poem. You'd be better off without it.
Logic and/or continuity. Nowhere in the rest of the poem do I see a reference to the phone being smashed...so how is it suddenly broken in this half of the poem?
Cliche. While I think you did a good job comparing the phone and the clock, it seems to me that poems about "waiting" often involve one or both of these objects. This doesn't mean you can't use them. It just means you have to use them really well to make your poem stand out from the large, unoriginal masses of "waiting" poems about telephones and ticking clocks.
Keep at it!
-Colleen
this is full of emotion, you did a great job with ,i sure wish he would have called you back.
i loved it
kim