Young Writers Society

Hey, Meevs!

This is cool- writing prompts inspire great ideas, huh?

This was very short, so I've only got two things to ramble about:

SENTENCE VARIETY: I ramble on a lot about this in response to "Agri and the Engineer" in the sci fi section, but here's a synopsis- it's a lot more interesting to read stories with different sentence lengths and complexities. When you're writing, and you get into a lull, stop and could clauses. Have you used the same number in every sentence? If so, shake it up a bit to make it more exciting for the reader.

SHOW, DON'T TELL: I think what would have made this piece even more powerful for me would have been a short anecdote about what the person did to make them like ivy. It's a cool metaphor, and with a little planning, you could probably come up with something cool.

At the moment, it seems like your main character is talking to us on the phone- ranting, actually. There's not a whole lot of story. This piece doesn't have to follow traditional story rules, per se, but you're a good writer, Meevs- putting in a little 'show and not tell' would really show it off.

Good piece! PM me if you've got any questions or want me to look at something else.

Wow, that was great, very eloquent

I personally find it very difficult to use profanity in my writing (although i still do it ), I found that you used profanity very well. It was not overdone, and seemed to contribute to the flow of the piece.

I also don't really understand the "from fun" line. That might need to be clarified or reworded.

Also, halfway through the second paragraph, you switch from speaking about the abuser to speaking to the abuser.

Ivy tangled around my bare feet, cutting across my ankles, holding me here, with him. You... you always used to say my skin was beautiful...

Hey incase you didn't see I made this into a thing for my Ice Cubes story, although i still might keep this as a separte thing, I'm just not sure if I can make anything out of it :\

Meevs
x

This was very good.

I didn't quite get the whole 'from fun' thing but I enjoyed the rest of it.
This was great:

And as I tore down the sharp green leaves he tore away every bit of respect and love I had for him.

Yeah, I must admit this was such a strange topic to be given, we had to make the ivy resemble something, our teacher suggested abuse so In my lack of creativity I just did the suggested resemblement thing lol, I might adapt this more...make it like longer, I dunno :S but thanks for the review anyway

Meevs
x

Very deep and thoughtful. Not too sure I like the subject matter - there's so much of it, here on YWS, and out there in the real world, if I'm reading this right. But it was very well written, and the idea of combinging it all with the ivy was a good one.

-ST