Published October 2, 2005
You can never be a psychic if your such a defensive pessimist Charlie” fuck that. All his life Charlie worked to disprove his mum’s psychic visions. So now, with every pessimistic bone in his body, he saw into the swirling orange-yellows of the future and he could see he was going to die…crawling on all fours, through the virus filled darkness of his apartment, Charlie couldn’t help but see delusion from the corner of his eye. like light reflecting off water…water, bleeding with the smell of Indian incense sticks and floating dead with oil….troubled times..the army of matchsticks were mobilising. there are ready for a coup…the charm of the Captain Chemo was wearing off…wearing off on everyone…world war 2 has got a new life…fuck that…Charlie had seen worse in Vietnam…world war 2? Those German captains can kiss his ass…
but he knows he cannot lie…the razor had started to smile …the mush of blood and hair from the back of his head was bringing him down…”Sagen Sie ein Gebet für die Armee von Matchsticks, Leutnant Dirkman?”” prayer?. you German pricks..Ive seen hell in Vietnam. what the fuck do u know?…and now..now u ask for a prayer?..at my weakest hour?…fuck you..” no church bells rang for Charlie’s tears….the band started to play..1, 2, ,1,2,3,4,….Charlie’s been off the wagon. sure he was, he promised his mother remember. and if he did drink she would know right?....but the smell of beer in his breath will tell a love story….
Charlie was dying and all he wanted was a light….a light for his smoke..so he can die a happy man..he was gonna get high with a little help from his friends…” Wurden Sie mögen mich Ihren Freund zusammenrufen HIV?.. Er vermißt Sie überhaupt soviel...?”…the oil seemed to have leaked onto his floor..he couldn’t grip it with his hands and he fell to the ground…he could hear the sycronized steps of the army…” guilt?..you will never kill me with guilt you bastards…your all prisoners..prisoners of responsibility…I celebrated responsibility…I celebrated freedom…you know it…this world will knows it…”….” Sodomized alle Männer Sie zurückgekommen, um you?..Are u zu frequentieren, das diese Welt ängstlich ist, würden wünschen Sie getragen nie an allen? Hallo? Hallo?”…”hey..man..come on..ask them stop marching will you..im dying..give me a light will you..come on man..hey!!..”…
the motel next door finally got their lights working…the white-blue neon seemed to fill the room…as charlie looked down to see the dark purple patchwork quilt that he had become..he finally conceded defeat..he had been waiting for someone and he knew he was closer that he had ever known but…but tonight he was too dumbstruck to thank his lucky stars…because tonight they sang a song of everything he didn’t want to know…captain chemo had started laughing again…” Wachen Sie auf! Mommys Haupt, wenigen Charlie.’
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So I saw that you had this version and a revised version. I though that I would review both and compare just to get a sense of what the improvements were as well. As for this one its actually really hard to understand what is going on. Even after reading it a couple of times only a few parts actually seem to make sense. I don't if that's on purpose to reflect his chaotic vision so I won't say any more about that.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that was quite the start that you have here. Its definitely a little confusing as to what exactly is going on especially at that last part but I suppose that is mostly because of the fact that that is in a vision that maybe is meant to be disorienting so I'm not entirely sure if that's okay or not.
Well this reminds me of randomly scanning through radio channels. If you are trying to create the effect that he is seeing random glimpses of the future then you are doing a pretty good job here.
And that part still doesn't really make any sense but I think that maybe this is a continuation of him crawling around about to die. I can't still be sure though.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Sorry to have to say this but I couldn't really make head or tail of most of what's going on here. I only understand a couple of points of what's happening and that is not a good sign if you wanted this to make sense. I will go read the second version of this and see if I understand it better.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
You need a lot of work with basic grammer, punctuation, and spelling. Fix that, and I'll be happy to critique this.