Remember those times when we spent time together
Walked around not knowing where to go exactly
It didn’t matter because we had each other
We’re like a pair, your pace and mine matched perfectly
By the time we got home, we would find ways to talk
Conversations only end when one’s load expires
That created joy, we were one another's stalk
Our gibberish talks end if the other retires
The “Till death do us part” is the vow that we lack
But I was stupid to think that we would get there
Old days; before we part ways we tend to look back
These days; not a single glimpse of you anywhere
I loved you, Good thing I never got to say those
I doubt that I love you too would be your reply
I wish I simply stayed with you and kept you close
The feeling was never mutual now I can cry
At least now I’ve experienced how to love someone
It may be unrequited but I know it’s true
However, I still feel that I was left with none
I guess love is not something for me to pursue
I quit. For now.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! 4revgreen here, and firstly I would like to apologise that this review may not be the best because I have had such a long break from the website that I kind of forgot how I used to write my reviews! So it may be a little bit rusty, I hope that's okay
I actually really adore this poem. I love how you told a story from beginning to end in such a short space, something most people struggle to do. I've always liked the more unconventional ways of story telling, poetry include. Most people just write short poems about feelings, nature etc.
Talking about feelings, I think you could have elaborated a bit more since this seems like an experience that would include a lot of emotions. Obviously, it's much better to show the emotion rather than just stating it, so perhaps that is something to work on? I think this was also mentioned in a previous review
I really liked the punctuation and sentence structures, but in my opinion, it didn't really need a rhyme scheme. Don't get me wrong, the rhyme scheme was great and doesn't need any work in this poem, but whilst reading it I kind of felt myself not wanting it to rhyme? It just seemed like the kind of poem that is a poem in itself without rhyme. I'm rambling here; I hope it makes sense
I hope you found my review helpful!
Keep writing
You have written a good story. The point is thought-provoking. It would be good to use more punctuation, because without it, it's hard to tell where one thought ends and the next one starts. It would give more clarity. You're doing good with writing a realistic experience tho. Keep writing!
I'll keep in mind to utilize punctuation to separate one point from another. At first I thought I wrote this with utmost clarity but this simply means there is room to improve.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my work. ^_^
This is a really nice poem! I liked how it was like a story. It wasn't just about feelings, it was about a love story that didn't have a happy ending. I have a hunch that this poem was a true story that needed to be let out. The poem flowed really nicely and it was easy to read.
You could've added a little more emotion though. When I was reading it, I didn't really feel sad for the narrator. So I think if you added in some key emotions here and there it'll bring the story more into life. One last thing, You could've put in stanzas. Without them it was a little harder to tell when one part of the story ended and the next started. If you put in a stanza somewhere inbetween the lines "Our gibberish talks end if the other retires" and "The “Till death do us part” is the vow that we lack" It would define the story more. Other than that I think it was really good, keep on writing!!
It actually was.
:'(
I was trying to express the sadness by just telling what was happening. Maybe because I thought that most people could have experienced this at least once. I guess I'll have to work on breathing life to my writing.
Noted putting stanzas. Thank you for your feedback. ^_^