I couldn’t point out which part of my body hurts the most. I couldn’t tell you if it was stinging pain or a throbbing pain. I couldn’t tell you what it was because it might not even be a physical pain, it may just be in my head. I do feel ill. Not ill in the sense of a boiling fever or a strained muscle. I feel ill in the sense that I could lie in bed all day, everyday with no desire to get up or even speak. I could lie in bed all day and still feel the same ache and anguish day by day.
I feel as if my body is trying to tell me something; like a message inside hinting its importance to me through pain. I compare it to the feeling of listening to the same song over and over again. The constant tap of the replay button; like forcing the performer to sing the song to you one more time. Encore, Encore. It’s comforting, listening to the same words and the same tune. It’s safe, no surprises. After a while you catch yourself looking for changes in the song every time it’s played. The second time, you think that the singer starts to sing slower. The third, you swear the mood of the song seems more bitter since the first time you’ve heard it.
But then you stop and realize. The song isn’t changing. It’s the same words, the same sounds, the same way. The way you listen changes due to the way you want to hear it. The singer doesn’t sound more despairing the sixth time, you feel more despairing. You fill the song with a morbid feel because the thoughts in your head sing a morbid song.
The song in my head is a wistful tune. I can’t hear it and I can’t sing it aloud to you, but I feel it in every step.Sorrowful music fixed to play with my every movement. It plays with every aching tread and every aimless word that creeps from my lips when asked a question. I feel it play while i watch my life go on. It seems to be an atrocious series of scenes performed on an empty stage by lifeless actors.
Changing my song, i suppose, may take a drastic effort in altering my attitude and behavior. Maybe then, when I speak, people would hear a different song. Perhaps a joyful tune with cheesy words written on a bus ride. Then when i smiled, they wouldn’t hear my dark anthem. I may still feel the sharp pains every night, starting from the soles of my feet, vaulting painfully upwards, spreading a burn into each vessel. The pain is still there and maybe it will never leave, but I will change my song. My song will change because my thoughts and sensibility will change. I won’t have to play a song over and over again because I will enjoy the song in my head. The song I created with my mind and my own disposition. This time, the singer will sound overjoyed; and it won’t just be my imagination.
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Hi Wanderjay,
You've done a great job writing this. I also think it was just long enough otherwise it might've got a bit too moany and repetitive. I think you did a good job of transforming the mood from dark and hopeless to almost happy, or at least aiming to change their lifestyle a bit, towards the end. You did it well. Keep writing!
Let me just start by saying that this doesn't really fit into the essay section. I think that more so, it fits into the short story narrative section. You've got a good way with describing emotions, and I love how you tied it to the music. I think you do this very well, and it's an interesting idea you toyed with. But you wrote it well
Just remember that 'i' always needs to be capitalized on it's own. And in the first paragraph, towards the end you reuse the word 'day' too much. I realized at with the final words 'day by day'. (Day had already been used in the previous sentence as well). So maybe you should change that bit to: I could lay in bed and still feel the same anguish from every waking hour. It still demonstrates her emotions and how endless the feeling is. You also put: I feel ill in the sense that I could lie in bed all day, everyday (comma need to be here)with no desire to get up or even speak.
That's just a little nitpick I noticed though
Deanie x
Thank you so much Deanie! That's amazing feedback that I will work with. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work!
Hey, HT here to review.
Okay, as a whole I think that this is very well written. I don't, however think that this belongs in the essay category. It just doesn't feel like an essay to me, it feels more like a short narrative story.
To review this, I'm going to break it up in paragraphs.
1) Well written, good size. It's not to big, or to small, and your use of language (i.e. 'ill', 'morbid, 'wistful') adds a little character. No grammar or spelling mistakes spotted. The same applies to paragraph two and three.
2) What have already said applies to the last two paragraphs, the only difference being I spotted several grammatical errors, and truthfully they were all the same in the end. You did not capitalize the letter, 'I' in the locations where it needed to be capitalized. This however, is the only error I could spot.
Well, that's all I have to say. This was very good.
Happy Writing!
HT
Thank you ^, I really do appreciate it and I'll try to remember to capitalize my "i"s.