Fighting a war

by wall_flower
  • November 4, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Other

It's dark, it's late,
And way too early.
Nightmares haunt me,
Destroying anything innocent that’s left.
The siren wakes me,
From my shallow sleep.
I'm here still,
Fighting a war for my peace.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Mars
Review
Mars wrote a review · Sat Nov 07, 2009 12:39 am

Hey wall flower! Welcome to the site, I'm glad you've posted your poem already :) But, we actually have a rule that you should read and review two other things before you post your own, just so everyone gets some comments.

Anyway:

It's dark, it's late, This seems a little redundant to me - the 'it's dark' suggests that it's late and I think this space could be used for possibly more description - instead of telling us that it's late, show us and set the mood.
And way too early. Interesting line but I think I'm missing something - I don't fully get it? I'd expand on this.
Nightmares haunt me,
Destroying anything innocent that’s left. Too vague. What's this 'anything innocent'? Soul, mind, body? What about the 'left'? What happened that destroyed the rest? Sex, murder, etc? I'm not telling you to just state it, but a couple of hints or something to make the reader care. Otherwise it's like, so what.
The siren wakes me, Literally? Either way it needs more explaining.
From my shallow sleep. I like this.
I'm here still,
Fighting a war for my peace. I get what you're saying, but I think it could be developed further.


Basically, like the above reviewer said, it needs more explanation. It's a good basic idea, but work on getting a little more of that idea out on to paper (or computer screen). Sometimes (and this happens to me all the time) you have a really great idea, but it's hard to express it in words that will get your point across to the reader.

Hope this helps, PM me if you have any questions. :)

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wall_flower Comment
wall_flower commented · Wed Nov 04, 2009 11:09 pm

thanks :)

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jayleighsmith
Review
jayleighsmith wrote a review · Wed Nov 04, 2009 10:47 pm

Hello Wall_flower. I'm Jayleigh

Its dark it's late,

Okay, awesome first line in my opinion, however..."It's" and shouldn't there be a comma to symbolize a pause between dark and it's?

That's all I found.

But is this it? This sounds like an awesome start to a longer poem. I think you could expand on it a bit. Good luck! :)

-Jayleigh :elephant:



“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell