Published January 25, 2014
Trekking through the jungle in the same clothes, socks, and underwear you'd worn for the last two days is nowhere near as exciting as they make it out to be in all the adventure books I've read. And let me tell you, if you thought North American summers were hot, then you haven't been to the jungle! It was just my luck that my blouse was long-sleeved and considerably scratchy with sweat and dirt.
The man with the hat and the funny name just didn't seem to get it.
"My feet are killing me," I said, cringing as I stubbed my toe on a log. Dislodging it revealed a natural habitat teeming with insect life. Don't look, I told myself as a beetle crawled right across my shoe.
"Quit your complaining, okay?" snapped Indiana Jones. (Get a load of the funny name, I ask you!)
Complaining, me? Seriously. If he thought I was being a complainer, then he hadn't met my brother. Henry could read about explorers trekking through rain, sleet, snow, and sun, but he wouldn't have lasted an hour out here!
Walking a few feet behind Dr. Jones, it was safe for me to stick out my tongue at his back. We'd been fighting nonstop for hours now.
"Will you at least tell me why we are even in here?" I hadn't exactly asked to be whisked off into the jungle to escape a bunch of thugs with guns and sweaty armpits. I had the right to know.
Indiana Jones sat on a fallen log that happened to have fallen right at the side of the path and reached into his satchel. It moved slightly to reveal the leather bullwhip he kept coiled at his belt. I hadn't noticed it before.
"Take a look at this," he said, holding a cloth-wrapped slab of stone carefully with both hands. "And don't drop it."
He might as well have said a long list of things not to do with it, because I committed just about every other one of them when I took it from him.
"So what is this?" I asked. It was a nearly perfect rectangle, lined with cryptic symbols in almost perfect lines. If not for its obvious age, I would have thought it had been written with a foreign-language typewriter. But what stood out the most was a large red engraving in the center of the tablet, of a winged bird - a phoenix.
"That's what I'm trying to figure out," Dr. Jones replied irritably. "It's an ancient artifact - something from a long time ago." He enunciated the last part slowly, as though he was talking to a stupid person.
"I'm not slow," I retorted. "I know what an artifact is."
"But not even I know what to make of this one," he replied, running his finger over the bird engraving.
"It looks like a phoenix," I suggested.
"I know that." Dr. Jones snapped.
I rolled my eyes. This guy could be so snippy!
"I just need to figure out what all these symbols mean." He pointed a grimy finger at what looked like the first paragraph, assuming such grammar conventions existed at the time it was written. "This looks to me like one of the pre-Columbian languages, but after this point, it appears to be something else."
He got up abruptly, wrapping up the tablet carefully and replacing it in his satchel. "Let's keep moving. It's getting late and we should set up camp."
"Some way of hiding from those goons," I muttered. "Won't they know where you ran off to?"
"I'm sure they do," replied Dr. Jones. "But they won't set foot in here. They're cowards."
I didn't like the sound of that. "What's to be afraid of in here?"
"Oh, lots of things."
As if to further emphasize his point, some indigenous creature let out a ghoulish screech, reverberating all through the jungle. Closer by, another one responded with an equally chilling call.
I threw my bedroll over my head in fear.
With a wry chuckle at my reaction, Indiana Jones, the man with the weird hat and the even weirder name, said, "Welcome to the jungle, kid."
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141,420 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hi Comical,
You've got a nice start here. Plot-wise you're certainly in control and you've got your hook which intrigues me to read on, so well done. I do enjoy how you give your protagonist's voice such character and personality, it's done very well. Keep that up as you go on.
The reference to Indiana as the man with the weird name is a good one, I like how you've referenced it again at the end to make it more complete and not just be a throw away statement.
There are a few problems though.
1. Your opening sentence is far too long: as soon as I started reading I was put off because there are just too many words. A better start would be:
Okay, not exactly like that - but you get the idea, it's snappier and more to-the-point.
2. You sometimes fall into having far too much explanation. Examples are:
Try, "It was just my luck my long-sleeved blouse was scratchy with sweat and dirt."
The comic-value is lost here because it's trying to clarify the image too much. Try something like, "As Dr. Jones continued onward, I stuck my tongue at his back."
Delete "assuming..." on to the full stop - it is not needed.
3. Nitpick:
should be:
4. You say this:
and reference the two day trek....
therefore this is not plausible:
Delete the "I hadn't noticed it before" as it doesn't work within the context of your piece.
That said, your dialogue throughout is strong and the tablet description is a particularly good example of your descriptive talents. Keep writing!
Best
Ben
Hey here to review =)
So far, I'm loving this. Such an interesting start. I especially like the narrator. I like her voice; only wish I knew her name. Perhaps it's been mentioned and I've missed it. Hopefully it will be revealed in the next chapter.
Here, I think it should be "I know that," Dr. Jones snapped. The word "snapped" is what you're using to describe how Dr. Jones said something. It's like a substitute for "said" so you should treat the sentence as you would if you did use the word "said." I'm not sure if this was just a mistype - and it may very well be. But yeah, I'd change this! If you want to.
I don't really have anything else to critic on. You're good everywhere else, and I think you have a unique writing style. =) Nice job
Thank you! Her name will be Sara if I manage to put together a concrete Chapter One. Sara Williams. (Mutt's sister, if you've seen Indiana Jones 4 - spoilers!)
Hi there. Review for ya. Let's go Paint the Roses Red!!!!
*Clears throat*
As it's already been said, this is a very nice introduction to a larger story or novel and it seems like you've really laid a nice foundation for what's to come. I especially like the ending. Very dialogue there to get the readers wondering about which direction this will go in. I like the way that you've given life to each of the characters in such a short prologue. I also enjoyed reading this, so your narrative ability is good and your style of writing is definitely entertaining. This is also very intriguing, and that's exactly how you always want prologues to be. Good job pulling us into the narrator's world there.
Now then, for the less awesome parts. Idk if anyone already pointed this out, but it seems that there are a few slightly awkward parts when the narrator is speaking to the readers and it seems that whenever there is a shift to the narrator's inner thoughts, it comes out a little bit awkwardly. I'm not gonna point out specific textual evidence just cause I don't believe in nitpicking every little detail, but there are definitely some parts (some of the italicized parts) that need to be in quotations instead of italics. Not all of it, because I feel like some of the words were intended to be italicized, but they should still fall within the quoted portions if they are dialogue and/or the character's inner thoughts speaking.
Overall, nice job! This is a real nice start to something that I'd definitely read! Way to go and I hoped this was helpful!
Cricket here!
Popping in for a quick review!
Now in the beginning when she's telling you about her blouse I do think you should use a different word when it comes to the 'considerably itchy'. It didn't seem to flow with the sentence.
I don't have anything else to say other than it was a great beginning. And the way you just pertained ever so slightly to why she's trekking through the jungle! That is the way to go! Your sentence structure is extremely well done by the way!
So I hope that helped!
It totally does! Thanks!
This seems like a good story to a story. The only problem I have is the little parts where she talks to the readers. It's just a bit odd, but that could be just me. I also think that doing that can cause problems between the tenses you write in. Again that is just my opinion, you can take it or leave it.
Other than that, this is very entertaining and I think it could end up being really good.
Thank you! I'm honored that you chose to review my story for this event. Happy Review Day.