She's the first thing he sees when he finally opens his eyes, the faint traces of pain hazy through the medications. "Hello, Dad," she says quietly. Her words are laced with sadness and longing. There's more she wants to tell him, but now's not the time - will there ever be another?
He greets her weakly by a name that's not hers. But she holds his hand and lets the conversation run to mundane things, things that hadn't happened to her. She's making up the answers as she goes along.
Someone tells her it's time to go - the voice is impatient, gruff. The gruffness conceals years of jealousy, and pain.
She excuses herself, promises to return later. A lie. "It was nice seeing you," she says, glancing over her shoulder. It was nice meeting you, she wants to tell him.
The medications are potent. He drifts back into a dreamless, restful sleep.
Some hours later, he receives another visitor.
"Hi!" Her familiar eyes shine bright with relief. "You're feeling better!" She's holding back - she can't tell if it's a good idea to hug him around all the tubes and wires.
Faintly, he returns the smile. "Good to see you again," he says, studying her from the cot. "You changed your hair."
She runs a hand through her hair. "What do you mean? It's always been like this."
His scarred brow furrows in puzzlement. "Hm... It looked different when you came in before."
"Before?" Now, it's her turn to be confused. They've had him on a lot of drugs since.... "You must've dreamed it."
He grows silent. Somehow, that doesn't seem right.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! First, I really enjoyed this piece of prose. You have a real talent for setting the scene and mood in a few words. Yet, because of the few words, there seems to be some holes. It's quite an ambiguous story, with not just an open-ended ending. Even so, it stands quite well on it's own, though a few sentences of backstory and explaining would be nice.
But, there seems to be a problem with perspective. The first portion seems to be in the daughter's point of view, while the rest is from the father's.
This particular sentence particularly confused me: "Someone tells her it's time to go - the voice is impatient, gruff. The gruffness conceals years of jealousy, and pain."
At first, I thought it was a nurse or doctor or orderly, but why would one such person have a voice that "conceals years of jealousy, and pain"? This is a story I'll be pondering over for some time.
Despite that, I do very much like this story. Keep on writing!
- recklessandwild
Hey, I'm here for a quick review!
Wow, this story really demands me to have a long period of thinking. Everything is realistically delivered, and the emotions are conveyed well. From what I glean from this, it appears that the father has two daughters, and he only remembers one. The story is too vague, though, so perhaps it's what the second daughter says, that he's dreaming of having the first daughter meets him. I'm not sure. At one hand, the first encounter seems real enough not to be dismissed as a dream, but if it's real, than the second daughter would have known her sister has visited their father, and would consider the possibility of that instead of assuming her father dreams it.
Like I said. This story demands me to think. A lot. I'm still figuring out the answers. Good job for making the story hook me. It doesn't need another chapter to explain what's going on--this is the story that falls into the category where readers are free to interpret everything that's occurred. I would have liked a clearer plot, though, considering this is a flash fiction. But I'm not complaining--I still like this.
I think the point of view can be improved here. It seems to me the first part of this story is told by the first daughter's PoV, but the paragraph above, if judged by the first sentence, seems to be in the father's PoV. This is simply because the narration implies we're seeing things through his eyes, until the part about wanting to tell him more indicates this is her perspective. The wording of the first sentence needs to be fixed.
I'm very curious about the gruff voice. I can't put my hands on whose voice it can possibly be. It's an interesting detail of the story, and if I know the answer, I think I can interpret the story better. Hmm, more thinking is needed.
From here, we see things from his perspective. But the sudden jump of view to the second daughter in the having lot of drugs part is a bit distracting. I would suggest to reword it to have it told from the father himself. Perhaps he's considering the daughter's thinking he takes too much drugs. Something like that.
Anyway, that is all from me! This is a solid piece, overall, but a touch of clarity can make it better. Keep up the good job!
Hi Allison, and May the Fourth be with you!
I have to say, I'm a little confused about what's going on here. You have a real strength for showing the character's emotions, so much so that I feel like I should understand what's going on, but I really don't. Reading this, I felt like saying, "When's the next chapter? Where's the rest of it?"
This could certainly work as the opener to a longer story, but the bottom line is that it needs some context before it can stand alone.
Best Wishes,
Kat