Published May 30, 2010
Happiness, laughter, and smiles as well
All sounding like a beautiful bell
Ringing, Ringing all around
Making such a wonderful sound
Beautiful things are fading away
Sadness and emptiness enter the fray
Oh how I wish the lonliness would end
That there was happiness just around the bend
Anger and Hatred enter now!
Oh I wish I knew how!
Silent shadows in the night
Take my happiness without a fight!
...Nothing...There's nothing to feel
No happiness or joy or anger or chill
Emptiness and nothingness are all that's left
Oh what a horrible theft
Will the happiness ever come back?
Or will I just crack!
Joy and laughter are what I wish for
But I am doomed to emptiness forever more.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
Hey Aly!
Well, if you needed to have a rhyme scheme, it's fine. I think you could work on the punctuation, though. Sometimes punctuation matters a lot, because the reader needs to know where to pause, so they can follow the flow of the poem. I have a few suggestions too.
I think the second line could be: "All of them sound, like a beautiful bell." Then again, that's just a suggestion.
I love this stanza. <3
I have to agree with Pages. I didn't actually understand these lines.
I'm not sure, but I think "forevermore" is one word.
I like the similes that you used. The poem was good, and I more or less understood what you were trying to say. But I do think you could explain this a little more. If you want to keep this as it is, you could rewrite it and post another one. I'd like to understand the poem a little better.
~Lemony~
The rhyme is forced because it had to rhyme for class. I wrote it a long time ago before I really had any understanding of poem mechanics. I haven't edited it though because I need a reminder of where I was to judge if I have in fact improved. There is a long a complicated story behind this that I'm not sure could be expressed in one poem. Each stanza is almost a separate entity since each represent a different time in my life and how I felt during that time.
Hey w5aly!
Also, the emptiness! For some reason, I thought that if anger and hatred came, they were there to stay, but it seemed like they just wanted to steal happiness and joy... or maybe they killed them? I don't know... I want more details! 
One of the things I'm not sure about is that you say Anger and Hatred steal away Happiness... but how? I think that's a dramatic story that needs to be told!
I have to agree with NeverendingPages. The poem is nice but I can't quite see where its going. Many of the rhymes seemed forced. I think it might help if you just relaxed and didn't worry so much about making each two pairs of lines rhyme it might feel a little less stilted.
On the second 'ringing', there shouldn't be capital letter xD
I don't know what this line means, but i am kinda stupid
This rhyme seams a bit forced. When writing, try not to
use rhyming schemes, they don't give you much freedom :/ which sucks
I'm not sure what this means? Explain please
Overall some good descriptive sentances.
Try and make the aim of the poem more clear.
I'm not too sure what you're trying to say.
Keep writing and edit things before you submit,
unless you're like me who clarifies that the
work is unedited, before the writing commences??
('starts' just didn't feel right xD)
-Pages <33