Published January 26, 2010
When the moon is full
and the sky is bright
When you feel that pull
to join the night
When the heavens awaken
and so do you
When you're left shaken
from the truth
When the wolf's cry
Echos in your throat
When you can no longer try
to hide your ghosts
When the everyday fight
is too much to bear
When life gives only frights
but nobody cares
When you're left alone
to face the day
When survival is unknown
You must find another way
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141,415 Literary Works • 674,394 Reviews
Thanks everyone for the comments, but i didn't add punctuation on purpose. And you don't have to capitalize every line. It is suposed to sound stressed and run together.
Hello! I think this was a decent poem. There were a couple places where you tried to cram too many words to rhyme (especially the third stanza), but in general the meter was fairly solid. Some of the rhymes weren't quite there. I know sometimes syllables can be fudged, but you/truth and throat/ghosts were both wobbly.
So really, just some tweaking to do. As for your message, I think you handled it fine... until the end. The last line feels so flat. After delivering all these images of despair, it's kind of obvious that a change of situation is needed. I'm not suggesting to play some kind of overly perky cheerleader, but I recommend that you end it on a more encouraging note.
That said, I think I would give this a three out of five stars. Maybe a three and a half. See you around.
–antimelrose
I like this work, but you don't capatilize each beginning line, and you don't use punctuations, just like Mizzle made clear.
Also, there were a few places where it felt like you put a word there just to make a rhyme, such as this:
Do throat and ghosts really rhyme? It needs improvement, to be blunt, but all in all, I like it. Keep Writing.Hi, Aly. Nice to meet you and welcome to YWS. I hope you're enjoying yourself here.
Anyways. So, this made me think of werewolves and Twilight for some reason. Which was annoying. That probably isn't your fault though.
The thing you need to remember, is, oh dear, punctuation. Commas, periods, semicolons at the end of sentences (lines), and stanzas.
Also, capitalize each line, it's just what you do in poetry.
Okay, so most of this flowed...nicely. There were a few spots I felt the rhyme felt sort of forced, but that can be changed.
Tata for now, Aly, and I hope to see you around.
-Mizz