hmmm.... it's late. i can't sleep.. typed it up.. and i need an opinion.
it might be an opening piece for my school news paper this semester. just tell me if things don't click, should get cut out, etc. it needs to be discussed so i can email it soon. help a girl out!
here goes...
Simplicity
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I told her
But beauty is in the eye of self,
No rest, until you find the prefect lip gloss
Smear it on until you get lost in self,
Vanity
Insanity, get lost in morals not reality
Can it be?
I'm losing it... to the president?
And the..
Fake war fare soldiers, don't care workers,
Rap head moguls that even got their own energy sodas...
Like how,
Russel Simmons says Do You!
His brother says, "Preach too!"
But his sister-in-law says,
"Fabulousity is in the eyes of those with curiosity.."
Yet staying in meritocracy, does not work for me!
So who am I to be?
Because,
Freedom is my mind set
Trapped is my minds trick
Loving is my souls mood
Hating is something I can't do.
Simply because I, am, simplicity.
We teach our children positivity
The media calls it punking out, so it's negativity
We! Got, preachers sharing the word,
Then taking little boys in the confessional,
Take their clothes off and strip them of their innocence and then!
When we find out, it's like..
"Oh. Word?"
As if confused,
Simplicity don't work like that.
Simplicity shares the fact
It never slacks,
Like KRS One,
The bridge is over,
So come take the country back!
From ignorant people like Bush,
Don't even know how to be president
Have a campaign but, destroying' the rest of US!
How messed up,
Do I have to be, to get this,
Simple ministry to my people on the streets?
Honestly, simplicity isn't as easy to come by,
Yet how can I see when I'm blinded by the mother lands cry?
Simply I can write this poem,
If I could I'd build a boat like Noah,
Except I'd go to Iraq and get our soldiers,
And bring them back to their family.
Then,
I can be,
Simple me with my reality.
Making plans that make sense to me
Other than the media making things for from serious.
You know..
All of our so-called Icons are in jail or drunk!
How much of a joke is it to us?
Trust,
With a fist in the air
Of which no one can compare
I am an example of unique simplicity.
And if you have a problem,
Deal with it,
PLEASE!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
A good place to learn that kind of rhyme and rhythm you're looking for would be Saul Williams.
",said the shotgun to the head" excerpt
For the poem quoted below:
Look at the rhythm and the word choice and how things fit together. And -- pay attention to how almost every line has imagery and how it all builds off itself. Even writing satire or something 'straightforward' his images are worth paying attention to.
I think you should take the idea behind this, and cerate a totally new piece.
Your rhymes are hazy, inconsistent, and forced to the point beyond saving.
The 'transitions' are amateur at best, and you really should read through your work before posting.
Your topic is jumpy and cliche, and your linebreaks are, as SirFand said, arbitrary.
Better luck next time?
~Ed
I like some of the ideas in this poem buut the thing is, I think there are too many. When you have more than one main idea in something you need to sufficiently express each and everyone of those ideas (not necessarily all at once and not necessarily clearly) but still expressing them to the point where one can understand them or understand clearly that there are many ideas. I think you should either take out some of the ideas to express them better or make your current idea more clear.
...Well. That was an interesting read. Delving right in, then, shall we?
You really need to do some work with the line breaks here. They were arbitrary to an extreme. Also, a "prefect" is a student officer at a private school; I believe you meant "perfect." ^~ That's one of the things spell-checks won't catch, as prefect is just as much a word as perfect is--time for a read-over, non?
And the what? The missing period from the end of that ellipsis? (NB: ellipses should always consist of THREE periods in the middle of a sentence, and FOUR at the end of a sentence. No more, no less, ever.) This statement, I'm sure, was supposed to be a lead in or add drama or something--as it is, it simply looks rather forlorn, all alone in its own little two-word, two-period stanza.
"Fake war fare soldiers?" What? I'm thinking perhaps "fare" is also supposed to be fake... but even that makes only a mild amount of sense in the context of the rest of the stanza. Stop listing things and start conveying a message; I came to read your poem because I wanted to learn something, a new way of looking at something--anything!--but all I'm getting so far is an arbitrary and poorly-presented laundry list.
*wince* No.
Um. Who's Russel Simmons, and why should I care? I want to hear what you have to say; I don't want something regurgitated from others. Also, I'm thinking you're missing some quotation marks, and all this with his brother and sister-in-law... it's really not working, sorry. You're also continuing to abuse punctuation in this stanza. No comma in the fifth line, four periods in that ellipsis in the fourth (though ellipses are to be avoided, as much as possible, in poetry).
I do however think your point about not wanting to be part of a meritocracy is interesting; perhaps expand on that? I'd like to know your reasoning why. Why don't you want to be part of a society where everyone is judged according to their abilities and accomplishments? Was it meant to be ironic? Do you have communist leanings? Etc., et al. ^~
*thwaps poet on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper* Bad!
All right, this stanza seemed to be a turning point. I really like the first line, actually; "Freedom is my mind set." It says a lot in very few words. There's defiance, pride, and a glimpse of an entire ideology. You see a lot about the narrator (poet?) there. But then the next three lines made me sigh. This stanza had such potential! You abuse punctuation again, and there doesn't seem to be any continuity or connection between the lines aside from a shared format. Close, but no cigar.
Why are, you, abusing, commas? What did, they ever do, to you?
...Okay, after doing that, even in a satirical manner, I feel the need to punish myself. *thwaps self with newspaper*
But you get the picture, yeah? Those commas are unnecessary. And what's with the (ineffective) repetition of variants on "simple?" *cringe* Stop. Please.
STOP ABUSING PUNCTUATION. I'm sorry for shouting, but really; this is just getting ridiculous now! "We! Got, preachers sharing the word?" Ye gods. "We've got preachers sharing the word," is how it should be punctuated, if you insist on using it. I recommend not.
The rest of this stanza tries to be a clever social commentary on the Catholic sex scandals, but fails miserably.
Well, this is closer to being a clever and attention-catching satire. It still falls short, due mostly to poor line breaks and punctuation, and rather confusing sequencing.
*sigh* Okay, I give up. No more stanza-by-stanza. This is simply too long, poorly-written, and repetitive; my brain's starting to hurt.
Lesson one: A poet does what a fiction writer does, but IN FEWER WORDS. That means--you condense. You find the strongest words, the strongest way to express something, you pare down your message until everything that's unnecessary is left on the cutting-room floor, and then you piece them together. Sure, there are long poems that are popular and well-received, but generally speaking, if your poem is this long--it's going to be repetitive.
Lesson two: Learn how to use punctuation. Please. I'm begging you. PLEASE.
Lesson three: Satire should be clever. In other words--don't just yell at the reader, or preach to the reader. Find an interesting, original way to present your message, so we'll pay attention. This is exactly like the dozens of other satires on American life/politics/war/etc today that I've read.
Better luck next time, yes?