Linger On Your Pale Blue Eyes

Heya! Gsp or Crocky here, at your service!

Now, the warning that I put at the beginning of all my reviews; I tend to rip stories to shreds and point out even the tiniest grammar mistakes. The people who talk to me regularly, (Tala...) know this. So, just to give you fair warning.

And without further ado...

ON WITH THE REVIEW!

The room had become cold from an open window and it disturbed my sleep so I awoke. It was early morning, the sun hadn’t come up yet and the dawn gave this very beautiful and somehow depressing cast of light. I got up to close the window so she wouldn’t freeze or wake up. Even more pleasant than the rooms color was the view from the window. There was no sun but I still gazed upon the soothing embrace that it offered. Only at that time the Big Apple is peaceful and quiet.

The first sentence seems a little... I dunno. Not entirely sure what's up with it, or how you should fix it, but I feel like you should do something different with it. Also, I love the description of the light of dawn. I'll put what I would do with the whole thing underneath.

The room had become cold from an open window and it disturbed my sleep so I awoke. It was early morning; the sun hadn’t come up yet, and the dawn gave this very beautiful and somehow depressing cast of light. I got up to close the window so she wouldn’t freeze or wake up. Even more pleasant than the room's color was the view from the window. There was no sun, but I still gazed upon the soothing embrace that it offered. Only at this time was the Big Apple peaceful and quiet.

I took a deep breath, closed the window and got to my desk to see if I had written anything last night, or the night before. I didn’t even remember the last time I sat on that chair. What a big fucking surprise it was to see that there was not a goddamn word to read. It seemed like I had forgotten that my mind has been mute for a long time and still I stared at the blank page with despair and great smile on my face overtly saluting my own misery.

The swear words in here don't really seem to fit in with the rest of this. I'd get rid of them. Great description at the end though. I think we all know how that feels. xD

I took a deep breath, closed the window and got to my desk to see if I had written anything last night, or the night before. I didn’t even remember the last time I had sat in that chair. What a big surprise it was to see that there was not a word to read. It seemed like I had forgotten that my mind had been mute for a long time, and still I stared at the blank page with despair, and great smile on my face overtly saluting my own misery.

I sat down. The sun began to rise and some of the first rays were coming in from the window. It was fascinating to watch them as they gently touched her face, her beautiful lips that were leaning on the bed; the beautiful dark hair that shinned like the sun was whirling around her head and above all, the whiter shade of blue that colored her eyes indulging the contrary attitude towards everyone she had. I just kept on sitting there and watching her insatiably, bewitched by the realization of what a delicately wicked being she was, the kind of beauty that unfortunately has to walk around in this bitter world of ours. She deserves a much more heavenly ground to wonder upon.

All I really have to say here is a couple of spelling corrections.

I sat down. The sun began to rise and some of the first rays were coming in from the window. It was fascinating to watch them as they gently touched her face, her beautiful lips that were leaning on the bed; the beautiful dark hair that shone like the sun was whirling around her head and above all, the lighter shade of blue that colored her eyes indulging the contrary attitude towards everyone she had. I just kept on sitting there, watching her insatiably, bewitched by the realization of what a delicately wicked being she was, the kind of beauty that unfortunately has to walk around in this bitter world of ours. She deserved a much more heavenly ground to wander(?) upon.

The suns light became more intensive. It troubled her sleep so she awoke and even while awakening she had a very unique way to do it, by gradually opening her eyes while keeping her body quiescent, it made her look like she was still sleeping peacefully. She looked at me and smiled innocently without saying a word in a form of partial attention,. Palliative like always and still invigorating to all of my obsessions, that’s what she is. She’s my lullaby, my Lolita, my life and love, she’s heroin to my depression, the host of my beings private Armageddon, and at last she’s a woman laying on my bed, looking at me with lingering pale blue eyes that I am suffocating on willingly and a spotless smile of childlike sincerity, nonetheless she’s mine.

"awoke" and "awakening seems a little repetitive to me. WONDERFUL description at the end.

The sun's light became more intensive. It troubled her sleep so she woke, and even while awakening she had a very unique way of doing it, by gradually opening her eyes while keeping her body quiescent, it made her look like she was still sleeping peacefully. She looked at me and smiled innocently without saying a word in a form of partial attention. Palliative like always and still invigorating to all of my obsessions, that’s what she is. She’s my lullaby, my Lolita, my life and love, she’s heroin to my depression, the host of my being's private Armageddon, and at last she’s a woman laying on my bed, looking at me with lingering pale blue eyes that I am suffocating on willingly and a spotless smile of childlike sincerity, nonetheless she’s mine.

All-in-all, I loved it! Let me know if you post something else, or want help with anything or a review.

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp

Welcome to YWS! As I haven't seen you are much, I'm taking it that you're new or I just don't look for people. My name is Cirque and I'll be your reviewer for today. I just want to point out that this is very short and I really think that you could lengthen it to whole three pages. Not by placing add-ons but by just writing more!

The room had become cold from an open window and it disturbed my sleep so I awoke.

The last word on this sentence really dulls your opening sentence - as sentence that should really draw in your reader. What I think you should do it take the 'a' out of the word (it's bolded) and then this starts to make a little more sense then before. It also fits, too.

I don't really understand what's happening here. Something about this really just doesn't feel right. It would if it were a short story and I mean really short - maybe it is - but not a novella. I don't really check the thread in which it is posted but the title of the story, which I must say is very interesting.

Your writing style is very good though from some reason I think you don't let yourself fully attack the peice of paper. Plenty more could've and should've been written here, to explain the message that you're trying to get across. I saw no dialogue, quite a few similies though I would prefer if you added a metaphor here and there to really liven up your sentence work.

In my opinion, this still has a lot of work if you really want it to shiine. Not saying that it is - far from it in fact - though, it does need its improvements to become great.

Welcome to YWS.I hope that you are having a great time here. On to your story. I thought alot of the writing was choppy and bland although it did have a few redeeming qualities.

The room had become cold from an open window and it disturbed my sleep so I awoke

I don't think this is a very good opening line. I would say something like I woke up when the chilly morning breeze swept across the room tickling my bare skin.

the sun hadn’t come up yet and the dawn gave this very beautiful and yet somehow depressing cast of light.

I would not use the word yet twice in the same sentence.
I would say the the dawn bathed the sky in a incredibly beautiful but depressing light.

What a big fucking surprise it was to see that there was not a goddamn word to read.

You don't need to use two swear words in the same sentence especially in a romantic story. I think using profanity makes a writer look weak because they are unable to find better ways of expressing themselves.

whiter

Winter.

her eyes indulging the contrary attitude towards everyone she had.

Everyone she had what?
I would say everyone she had met.

The suns light became more intensive

The suns rays became more intense sounds better.
I think with a few revisions this could be a very good story. Remember that you have to give reviews to get reviews. If you have any questions you can PM me. Fiction