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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey! I didn't get to review your story! Never mind, next time you post something message me again. I'm sorry i didn't review it in time
I feel so bad!
Here, as promised.
Eh.. don't contradict yourself here. Either it's simple or it's complex. I get what you're trying to say here, but it's not a great opening line.
Who is Elena? I know you explain in a few sentences, but I think it would be better to put it in right away. "Her sister, Elena,"
Again - who is Cynthia? You can't throw names around and expect us to know them. You're telling the reader the story, so make sure we understand.
The word choice is bland, which makes for bland writing. The sentence structure is nothing special, and so your writing is nothing special. I think that's your main issue here (as much as I feel bad saying it) is your writing skills. But no worries, write more and you will improve.
As for the plot - I can't really say much. You haven't written enough for someone to really comment on the plot. As of now, it doesn't seem to be anything fabulous, nothing that I'll be remembering for years to come.
You have potential, so hold onto that and use it to your advantage. Write more, practice it, read, and skills will come. Then you can come back to this and rewrite it into the disturbing images you're aiming for. Hope this was a bit helpful, good luck!
Thanks for such a great review. I know the end of this is kind of rough, I added it in last minute
and the plot that is on here is a very quick and short one. (If I went fulll detail it would've been going on forever.)
Hi, Volleyball13! First of all, I have to say that I love your story. I think the background(forest etc.) is great. The plot's quite okay, too. So, it's like horror, right? Well, I hope it turns out good.
Here are the things I noticed;
+ You don't need to actually listen to me, because I'm not an expert or something.
I think it would be better if it was; "Chloe heard dead leaves breaking." I don't think that the sound coming from her left is that important. And the forest floor would be better if it was "the ground", or maybe you could just exclude it.
Over here, I don't think the word 'itself' is necessary.
I think it should be "Chloe instantly regretted her decision."
I think you should say "someone" instead of "something".
It would be better if it was "muttering a rhyme in a foreign language"
This one would be better if it was "she slowly stopped muttering and stared up at Chloe"
I think it would be better if it was "went into the kitchen", since you've already used "walked"
It would be better if it was "I thought you were my sister."
I think you should describe more about the sound, and how Chloe felt.
I think you should add some more descriptions and the character's feelings, but it's generally awesome!