Published April 20, 2009
And so I will say
'Go ahead' for I cannot bear
To see you this way
Deafeated and dejected
And so I will smile and laugh
In years to come I will look back
And know that I loved you more than half
In years to come I will cry bittersweet tears
For now though I shall stay
Help you and advise you
Try to chase the depression away
And keep a vapid smile on my gracious mask
And even though it hurts me
I will play Cupid for you
Try to match you with she
Not me, who holds your heart
Never forget this though my love
You will always hold a place in my heart
Never forget this though my life
You will always be hated deep in my heart
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141,380 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
This was very interesting; I like the twist at the end - you're expecting it to be all romantic, only it isn't, which successfully negates the cliche feel of some of the rest of the poem. A few things you need to watch out for, though:
1. Punctuation. You need punctuation in poetry just as you do in prose, if not more so - it gives the poem flow and helps the reader to understand what you mean.
2. When you say "she" in the forth stanza, it sounds very awkward. Try to be grammatically correct whenever possible
3. "A vapid smile on my gracious mask" sounds a bit too flowery given the rest of the poem and it also gives the wrong sort of image; as I read it, the smile the poet is wearing is the mask, and using "mask" instead of face makes it seem kind of strange. You might want to think about tweaking that.
Overall, though, nicely done.
Cheers,
~bubbles