Chapter 1
I eyed the
road and crossed with unneeded precaution. Even though I had lived in New York
my whole life, crossing the busy streets always gave me an uneasy feeling. My
friends Audrey and Nikki usually crossed with me, but today both girls were
going shopping at Burberry.
Yup, 2
fourteen year olds were shopping at a store that I would never be able to
afford.
That was the
downside for going to an exclusive and expensive private school on complete
scholarship. It was completely common to walk the hallways of Chapman High
School and find people with Burberry coats and Gucci watches.
Of course,
then there’s me.
I stood out at this school completely. I was a
tall girl, taller than most of the girls in my grade.Unlike my fellow peers, nothing in my closet
was from Michael Koers. When I reached the apartment building that my parents,
brother and I lived in I scurried up the staircase to the 7th floor.
I unlocked the door and was surprised to see my dad’s coat was on the rusted
coat hook. Next to that was my elder brother’s coat, which was equally
surprising. My brother had scored a seat at a prestigious college and only came
home from Harvard during school breaks.
Today was
just a regular Tuesday, which was why it puzzled me that he was home. My mom’s
coat was next to my brothers, but that wasn’t surprising because she was
usually home, on exception of her teaching Ballet on Saturday. I could hear all
of their voices in the living room.
My brother’s was the loudest of course. I love
my older brother, I really do! But he was always arguing. When I was younger,
we would fight, but the outcome was the same. It didn’t matter whether I was
right, no matter what, he wins every argument.
I heard my
dad also arguing but his voice was calm and steady, unlike my brother who was
on a rage. My mother wasn’t fighting; she was just trying to get them to stop.
Nobody noticed I was home because of the arguing, but I calmly said “Hello” and
they both stopped their heated discussion. I have always noticed that I have that
impact on people. When I speak, people just listen. I am pretty sure I
inherited that from my dad, who’s always get’s people to hear his opinion.
“We have
something to tell you” My mom said calmly. I looked at my mom, wondering what
she could possibly tell me right now. The last time she said that statement, I
was 7 and we were moving to New York City. “Dad got laid off” She said, a tear
escaping through her chocolate colored eyes.
Oh No.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
OK, I got 1 line down and had to stop.
I eyed, should be connected with your next line. I see that happens a few times. I would suggest not putting so much space in between each line.
Here are some lines that need punctuation.
taller than most of the girls in my grade.Unlike my fellow peers. In this line you need to put a space between the period and the U.
“Dad got laid off”. You need a comma after the word off.
You have a line where that says the character walks in and says "Hello." Then you have a line that says that both of them looked at me. You just said before that there were three people talking, so it shouldn't be both. It should be: they all, or all three.
Now, you story seemed interesting, I'm interested enough to read the next chapter. I don't mean to be harsh. If you fix those things it will really help the reader to enjoy it more.
Keep it up!
Hi violinlover73!
Before I get to the review, welcome to YWS! There are a bunch of amazing, friendly here to help you on your journey of writing. If that makes sense, haha. It's also nice to help out other writer's with their works.
Now, this piece was really quick and straight to the point. I wonder why the spacing is weird. Did you do that on purpose or did YWS's formatting mess with it? Either way, this looks more like a free-verse poem than part of a novel. Since this is in the novel category, there should be paragraphs. Paragraphs make a major difference.
Also, grammar plays a huge role in writing. Use it. Please. Things like periods, commas, capitalization, etc. are lacking in this piece. In some places, there were capitalized words that didn't need to be and words that needed capitalization.
Also, since there are no paragraphs here, it makes it kinda hard to explain how dialogue should go. Dialogue shouldn't be just randomly placed in the middle of any paragraph. When there is a dialogue needed, start a new paragraph specifically for that. There shouldn't be more than one person's dialogue in one paragraph.
Finally, the way this was written was a little odd. There were random shifts between subjects thrown in the reader's face. At one point the main character was talking about crossing the street, then she switched to how she stood out in school. This was done a few times. Sometimes, I can see how they connect, but the transition between them was just too sudden.
I hope I helped! I'm interested in how the story is going to play out. I hope the next part of this story is improved. If you pick one thing to do out of this review, please use paragraphs. It will benefit you and everybody reading your work in the long run. Welcome, again and happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Um...okay. Well, I was okay with it until you shifted, majorly shifted, from her being at school to being at home (or coming home) without any segue at all. No transition, just BAM!!! Instant literary teleportation, and suddenly she's staring at the coat rack, noting all the unusual circumstances. And with how short this chapter was, it's kind of hard to empathetically feel sorry for her and her family. Sure, being laid off is a major heartbreak and brings major pain and changes to any family, but beyond that, how am I supposed to feel at this point? I think if you showed a few 'normal' days of her at school, and pointed out the empty coatracks whenever she came home, and THEN went into the "unusual" paragraph, this would flow better and have better quality.
And are you having issues with formatting? Reading this felt like an old typewriter gone berserk. Three words, BING! back to the beginning but still in the middle of a sentence, and then the rest of that sentence and the first word of the next and then BING! Back we go again for another round of eye-snapping whiplash. Is there any way that could be fixed? Try typing this up in a Word document and then upload it that way; that'll help.
Hope this helps!