Young Writers Society

Hello, the name of this poem drew me in right away I HAD to read it. But I disliked how it ended. The last stanza was hard to read and I was confoused but the best thing to do is to put your emotion out there and let people feel what you feel and for me. I just wasn't getting it. Hope this wasn't too harsh, good luck writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
-Max

Hey, I think I've reviewed some of your other works? I see real potiental in them. But, a writer's work is never done haha, there are a few areas for improvement in this:

As I sit alone in a dark room, with nothing to look at but my ripped arms. And my lonely heart of stone. (Heart of stone. Can you think of a better metaphore? This one's lost most of it's meaning from overuse)

I did love him, I did. (Good repetition)I loved him with all my heart, my cold, empty heart. (I added a comma there)

He loves me, he’s got the world at his fingertips; and me at his palm.(Great!)

Does he know that I lay awake waiting for my heart to love him again. A story that lies beneath my heart, of him and a embarrass. (Not really sure what you're trying to say)

People say that they know what I go throw, they have no idea...(Should be through)

My heart feels like a hundred pounds, yet my soul doesn’t feel like anything.

Crying with the strength that’s left, I begin to wonder; why am I crying for him.

Isn’t it my fault were like this, aren’t I the one who stopped our hearts from growing together, forming into one?(Awkward phrasing here)

Like an eagle to a storm, and fire to a burning tree.(Good)

I ended the most beautiful thing, more beautiful then a sunset, more beautiful then anything.(Again, good development- but you need better metaphores and similies)

I have to fight to find another love, but this one I could have for free. (Good ending)

Hello! You reviewed my poem, so I thought I'd review one of yours.


First, some nit piks.

my ripped arms

He loves me, he’s got the world at his fingertips; and me at his palm.

Does he know that I lay awake waiting for my heart to love him again.

of him and a embarrass.

People say that they know what I go throw, they have no idea...

why am I crying for him.

Isn’t it my fault were like this, aren’t I the one who stopped our hearts from growing together, forming into one?

beautiful then anything.

I have to fight to find another love, but this one I could have for free.

Like an eagle to a storm, and fire to a burning tree.

You HAVE to put this in stanzas or something. If you don't, it's like a big boring chunk of words and people won't like it.

I can feel the pain in this poem but maybe you can try expanding it a little and limiting your figures of speech because it's too emo that it's not nice to read anymore if you know what I mean.

Overall, it was nice, but not that exciting to read.

--casey_kent

Hiya!

A story that lies beneath my heart, of him and a embarrass.

I think you need to fix the line/stanza structure. Right now it's just a jumble of words that is very difficult to read.

Also, I thought it was a little cliched. Lines like "the world at his fingertips" and "more beautiful than a sunset" are used so much that they add nothing to the piece. Try using some more interesting imagery that is specific to the situation.

At the moment, this reads more like you are telling us how you felt, which doesn't engage the reader. Instead, use original words and sensory description to show us the love and the pain. Love is a very difficult subject to write about (as it lends itself to vagueness and cliches), but if you focus in and create more detail, this could become much better.

Keep writing!

I see the pain in the poem, I see how much the poet had been in love, but felt the pain was still too much for the entwining bond.