This is the first chapter of my Nano '08, which I have just begun to edit. I am pondering whether to rewrite the prologue, so I thought I would post it to get some feedback. 
Pro*logue (pro'log) n. 1 a speech or poem addressed to the audience by one of the actors at the beginning of a play, opera, ect. 2 an introduction to a novel, poem, or other literary work. 3 any introductory act or event.
Black. White. Shifting... Shades of gray.
Kings. Queens. Bishops.
Pawns...
The board is set, and the two battle-ready armies stare down at each other across the checkered field. The white queen smiles fiercely, safe behind her row of pawns, whom she chose before they were even born. Now she has brought them here, to die thousands of miles from home.
The black king raises a hand, and the two armies meet with a resounding crash. People scream, bodies fall. No one is spared- even the headstrong young queen loses her smile, as her escorts fall around her. And the pawns continue to fight for something they have never believed in... Their forces are felled the fastest.
The battle, though brutal, ends quickly. And when the survivors come out of their bloodlust thrall, all the royals lay dead. Seven pawns, from both the white and black armies, looked at each other in amazement. They were the only ones. There was no one else left.
One hundred years later, the seven met again. No longer divided by just two colors, they had split into seven separate entities, still filled to the brim with the power their queens had bestowed them, increased thousand fold by the years of practice they had gotten, given to them by the powers themselves, who had granted them immortality. If these seven died, then the powers died with it- so they gifted their carriers with god like powers.
And gods they became.
But the powers were restless. They wanted to fight, to prove their worth against worthy opponents. Normal humans were below them. All they had was each other.
Then one came up with the game.
When one lives forever, names are easily forgotten. Now, the seven pawns are known only as the colors their powers present themselves as.
Gray, black, white, green, blue, red, purple.
It was Gray who thought of the game. Black, Gray's biggest rival, was first to agree. The other five agreed, surprised by the fact that this was the first time these two had agreed since the Beginning-War.
The game started three hundred years ago, taking place over years and years... The last one ended over ten years ago.
It is time for the next round of the game. For new pieces, new teams. New betrayal, upsets, and scandals.
It is time for A Game of Wits. What this one holds in store is something not even the gods can foretell.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey. In general, I liked this. The only thing I can think of right now to suggest is to slow it down a bit. Preferably around the part where you mentioned it was one hundred years later. I think you should add something in between the two times. I was a little confused (maybe it's just me), and I wanted to get a taste of what you were writing, but you never slowed down enough to give me the chance
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All in all, it was interesting. Keep writing, Vine.
(Really, Space. "Plane" bad? This site is all about constrictive criticism, I believe, and it's really immature to rip someone into shreds like you've just attempted to. Vine isn't the one who needs to grow up...)
Space that was just rude. Sorry I didn't really read this yet.
The originality of this is amazing so my hat is off to you miss for coming up with a creative idea. You have some good thoughts and some great lines scattered here and there but the power of the piece fades a little with the way it is laid out at the moment.
I suggest you try and form paragraphs instead of one line at a time. Otherwise there are a few spelling and grammar issues here and there but overall the idea of the piece is very much alive. I think it is worth exploring and revising.
Whatever happened to constructive criticism, Space? I also don't see how you can tell anyone to spell better when you said a moment before it was 'plane bad'.
Anyway, I love the originality, and I can see this idea going a long way. However, I think we all know what a prologue is so the dictionary definition doesn't really bring anything to the story. Also, I'm not entirely sure about the middle part, which doesn't really seem to know whether it's prose or poetry. This said, I look forward very much to reading the next part.
Just a little extra point; I'm not sure if this is in the right section? Right now it just seems to fight much more under fantasy than action/adventure.
Dan
You've got the right idea, but your not writing poetry here, at least there isn't any kind of rhyme scheme...
A sentence isn't a paragraph, its a sentence.
Space, you really are being a little brutal. 'You need to spell better'? Excuse me sir, but I believe you do.
I liked it, I thought you were explaining a very tense chess game for the first couple lines. The only thing wrong is that you need to try to organize your paragraphs a little better.
All in all, a great idea, very original.
This was just plane BAD. You need to spell better. You also need to work on your grammar. If you think that I am being harsh, I am not. It is your writing that is bad, not mine. You need to grow up in your writing. I hope you do.
Space
Hey!
Did you mean this was your Nano '07? From last year? Just curious...anyways- Ok so I enjoyed reading this. One thing I can give you is your originalitly. I've never read a piece like it.
Firstly, I didn't like this:
It's a little bit corny. Not really sure what it brings to the extract.
The rest develops well, it's engaging and described well. I especially liked this one:
Good. You've created a real stage for battle. There's a dark atmosphere.
I can't really see much else other than the prologue thing..however the structure of it doesn't look very professional. Try and order it into more concise paragraphs?
Hope you do well with this,
Eimear