Hey! ![]()
So I wrote this for a Commonwealth Essay contest and I just sorta fell in love with the story xD It was popular amongst my group of friends and I figured, since it was one of the first things I ever really completed and liked, it should be the first thing I put up =]
Enjoy! ![]()
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Diego gently placed the CD in the small CD player. He pressed the ‘play’ button and selected the track. Pausing in between the selection of track five and six, he gulped and pressed the ‘next’ button, blinking away slow falling tears. The newest song by his favourite band, Jewels and Tears, floated out of the speaker.
He fell back into his chair nearby and buried his head in his hands. More tears fell and mingled with the sweat falling from his brow. Feeling around in his pockets, he pulled out the note left by his brother to him before his Hanging in the South Alley. He had found his body: mutilated, all possible bones broken and a gun bullet embedded in his chest. That’s what you get for living in California, joining a street gang and getting into gang fights.
The note told of a song in Jewels and Tears’ new CD that led to a better life. All he had to do was ‘scratch the CD’ as his brother had put it. The term was merely a code, a totally different meaning to its original meaning.
It meant him to play the CD backwards.
He looked at the name of the song on the paper. To his mind, it made no sense. ‘The Long Way to the Dome of the Free.’ What was the Dome of the Free? How far from California was it? And did it really exist?
He played the song, and reaching the end, pressed the rewind button. He listened carefully to the words. They were not what one would usually expect to hear from a CD played backwards. Five words were uttered in the voice of his own sibling.
“Play this in fast forward.”
Over and over, the same words. What was the point, really? To play something backwards, only to have to play it faster? He sighed. Just like his brother to complicate things for him. Pressing the fast forward button, he leant closer to the speakers as the refrain started to play.
“Come away from your shackles, Break the family tree, Walk away from your previous life, Walk the long way to the Dome of the Free.” Diego blinked. A change in the words. There it was. Dome of the Free, in fast forward said Dome-free. Dome-free made no sense what-so-ever.
Diego blinked yet again, his way of showing realization. Slowly he took a piece of paper and pen. Scribbling on the paper, he quickly blinked a couple of more times until he was smiling through the tears. Now he saw it. It was clear. If someone had to switch dome-free to free-dome, remove the ‘e’ and space, there it was, freedom.
Long Way to Freedom. It made perfect sense now. Of course, the song was his ticket out of California. Where would he go, though? Brazil, maybe. Or Washington DC. There was also Alaska. He always wanted to go there. He nodded to himself. Alaska it was. A life away from the gang fights, the cruel night streets, and the bad wages California was prone to.
Diego got up and went to the window. Sunset, and in a few minutes, he would start to hear the gun shots and shouts that put him to sleep every night. His ‘in-human lullaby’ he called it.
He looked around the room. Switching his CD player to another song, one in Spanish, he started to softly sing along as he packed his bags. He trapped his foot to the beat, and when it arrived to the refrain, did a few tango dance moves and twirled around the room, dropping clothes and items into his rucksack. He continued to dance as he packed, and kept on dancing even as he reached the safe where he kept all his money. He cracked it open and took the money from it. Counting it, he smiled. Two thousand dollars were enough to catch a plane to Alaska, he hoped.
Switching off the lights, he took his CD player and walked through the streets, locking the house behind him.
“Thanks, Pablo,” he whispered into the night, thanking his sibling for the help he had given him.
Shouldering his bag, he ran towards the bus stop.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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well, this was a nice start, i thought. it could be one of those super short prolouges and then the next chapter you could have him in Alaska, or you could just continue the story like normal.

the only thing i found confusing was how sad he was about his brother's death. if it was recent, you'd think he would be a little more shaken up by it, but i thought it worked better like if his brother gave him the CD a long time ago and he had just gotten around to playing it. i think it would sound better if you explained how he had finally gained some composure over his death and decided to play the CD he gave him.
the whole 'Dome of the Free' poem didn't make all that much sense to me, but it can work. im wondering how he's going to escape to Alaska without his parent knowing.
overall, i say nice job. can't wait to see more
Aww. ^_^ Not quite sure how this would work in realistic terms, but that's never bothered me much when it comes to stories. I'll concern myself first of all with welcoming you to YWS! Go post in the Welcome forum and you'll get the rules, but Demeter's already got the important one: the review ratio. You'll get used to it.
Right, I do nitpicks first off, before I launch into an overall summary. So if this looks like I've taken your piece apart, it's because I have, but using a microscope of sorts.
You've repeated tears here, even if it is just a band name in one instance. The repeats are too close together to flow properly, though, so try and cut one if you can!
Only one speaker? That just seems weird, even if it's only a small boom box. Give it two speakers, hehe. Be generous.
I'm not sure sweat drips off you unless you've been running, even if you're really, really nervous. Plus, sweating profusely whilst crying? It's a really odd image.
Capitalised?
This seems a bit rushed. I don't know, but I think you could have expanded on this just a little bit. Maybe give the body a bit more detail or more subtly insert the details about the gang.
EDIT: I think Demeter highlighted it better than I did, about the grief. Maybe that's what I was getting at.
You see how badly this sentence flows? You've repeated "meaning" and it's very obvious. I'd just cut this sentence from "a totally..." onwards, because it's much easier than rewording and the clause is irrelevent, anyway.
Quite how exactly did he arrive at this conclusion? Mention somewhere that his brother said it to him, or something, because I'm lost as to how he decided on that meaning. This'd actually be a good time to insert that subtle hint about the gang, actually, and maybe how the months of being with them have trained him to recognise this? Something, anyway.
Those first three words are quite awkward.
Again, I have no idea about how this would really work, but maybe you could at least mention the words being garbled. Maybe write down his thought process? At the moment you have this...
... whereas I'm thinking it should only be a couple of words, and it should take some time to make them out. Far ford? Far - fast - forward! Fast forward. Something like that.
Aha, so here we do have speakers.
These lyrics are a bit off. I would change "previous" to "old", and instead of the commas in between, use slashes, like this. Come away from your shackles/Break the family tree/Walk away from your old life/Walk the long way to the Dome of the Free. At least, that's how I usually see lyrics written in a sentence. Alternatively, you could italicise them and write them as follows.
Come away from your shackles
Break the family tree
Walk away from your old life
Walk the long way to the Dome of the Free.
Eh, I'm not a lyricist, but I think the second one looks better. I'm just not all clear on the necessary punctuation.
Should be all one word.
I'd just cut this. It feels repetitive, again, and the last phrase "showing realisation" is very stilted. If you keep it, change it to "this time, with understanding" or something.
Again, I don't like this explanation. First up, "if someone had to switch"? It should be "if he switched", because there's no someone involved, and they aren't having to do anything either. I think it should read a bit differently, in that you shouldn't be so specific about the e and space. If he switched dome-free to free-dome, it was simple. Free-dome. Freedom. You see what I'm getting at?
Cut the last part, from "California" on. It's unnecessarily awkward.
This should read as follows. His 'inhuman lullaby', he called it.
Typo? I think this should be "tapped".
This sounds like it's in the wrong order. He's already in the streets in my mind, but then suddenly he's locking his house. Mess around with it a bit.
You do keep calling him a "sibling" rather than a "brother". Wouldn't "brother" be easier?
Okay! Done that. I told you I was picky, but in something short, it really counts, you know? Especially in something that's good and short, where we don't have to worry about the actual grammar because it's pretty decent. As I said before, I really, really liked this. It's sweet and kind of sad, and it's a really clever idea, even if I'm not sure about how you executed it. So it's good, and a few little tweaks will make it great. You don't have to follow all my advice, but maybe have a look at the areas I highlighted. It's up to you, at the end of the day, but I hope this was helpful to you somehow.
Hi, Vii-zee, and welcome to YWS!
Just letting you know.
I mean, sure, people blink all the time, but you don't really have to say everytime it happens. It makes the story too redundant and prevents it from getting forward. Any kind of repetition does.
At first I have to inform you that there's a 3:1 review to work ratio on YWS, and it's going to increase to 4:1 and 5:1 in December. This means that you should give three reviews toward every piece of your own, and it's recommended you review before posting your own work
Now, onto the review! I picked this one to read because I saw you didn't have any reviews yet. It caught my attention from the very start with the CD thing, and it was very interesting because I've always been rather intrigued with stuff like that. It made a good beginning for the story in my opinion, and was a nice touch throughout it as well.
One thing I was wondering, though – he seems to sort of... emotionless about his brother's death, which seemed weird to me. I mean, either he's mourning over him, or happy that he's gone, but to me it seemed a bit like... "Okay, he's dead... now what's this CD thing?" I don't know how you meant it to be, but maybe reconsider your choices.
Other thing; Diego seemed to be blinking quite often.
Why these places? Do they mean something to him? Expand a little, because now it's just a bit random...
All in all, I rather enjoyed reading this. It was a good length, and the little twists kept it interesting all the time. Good job, and PM me for any questions!
Demeter
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