On Wings of Angels
Chapter One
The final “amen” of the evening service was punctuated by a roll of thunder. A storm was coming. Prior William heaved a sigh of relief as the last of the church-goers grabbed their umbrellas and headed towards the door. They filed past him, murmuring their goodbyes as they prepared to brave the storm. When they were all gone, the old prior locked the great oak doors and sunk into one of the pews, overcome with exhaustion. I’m getting too old for this, he thought to himself. Church attendance was at an all time low and William had become bored with preaching to the small, unmotivated crowds that still attended. What we need is a miracle, he thought, something to inspire everyone again. Including me. Prior William had never been a very good preacher. He was the practical, down to earth kind of holy man, and this recent slump had dampened his spirits as well as those of his flock.
William stood slowly, his bones creaking loudly in the empty chapel. He went around the edge of the hall slowly working his way inward, putting out candles and checking for belongings that had been left behind. When he had finished, the chapel was dark, illuminated only by the occasional streak of lightning, casting eerie shadows through the stained glass. William sighed and headed towards the dormitory. Maybe tonight I will get some sleep he mused. Bad dreams and aching bones had been plaguing the prior’s nights. William grunted in pain as one of his knees gave a loud pop. Or not.
*****
Rain pelted the forest outside in huge, round drops. It was spring time in Scotland and the earth was sodden with rain. Wind buffeted the windows of the cloister. Prior William listened to the ruckus of the storm as he finished his evening prayers. He was turning down his bed when he heard someone entering the church. Who is it now, he thought bitterly as he stood and reached for his flashlight. Entering the main hall, William saw a dark figure kneeling before the altar. The candles he had put out only moments before were relit and cast strange flickering shadows over the large, kneeling man. William shinned his light on the figure to get a better look. The man had dark hair that was plastered to his head from the rain. He wore soaking wet black slacks and a long leather duster draped over his broad shoulders. William cleared his throat to get the man’s attention.
“There are no more services tonight, sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow,” he said sternly. William was in no mood to be friendly to this intruder. The man turned his head slowly towards William, revealing a well defined face with high cheek bones.
“I’m sorry father; I didn’t mean to disturb you.” The man had a voice like honey and striking violet eyes that seem to look right through William. It was quite unnerving.
“Then what can I do for you my son?” William tried to be kind as he recovered from his shock. The man slowly stood.
“This is a beautiful chapel you have here, Prior,” he remarked. William stared at him, suddenly realizing just how tall he was. The Prior himself was a large and imposing man despite being nearly sixty, but the stranger stood at least six inches taller than him, making him shift his weight uncomfortably. And he didn’t remember telling the stranger that he was a Prior. He repeated his question a little more sternly.
“Yes, it is beautiful. Is there something I can do for you?”
“You look to be a pious man, Prior, can I trust you with something?” Perhaps this man has a confession to make, thought William. It was typical for the local criminals and drunks to come by for late night confessions. This man wouldn’t dare hurt an old prior in his own church anyway William reasoned with himself. His curiosity was getting the best of him.
“Yes, son, you can trust me.” The stranger’s face softened a bit. He suddenly looked young and confused.
“I am completely and utterly lost,” he said in an exasperated tone. William laughed, glad to relieve the tension that had been building in the room. And here he had been thinking the man was a criminal.
Chapter Two
“So let me get this straight.” Prior William was now sitting at a small wooden table in the back of the dormitory. He sat across from the stranger who was sipping tea from one of the church’s antique cups. “You woke up in the middle of the forest just outside. You have no idea what the date is, not to mention the year, and you don’t remember how you got here.”
“Correct” replied the stranger. Great, thought William, I’ve got a crazy man on my hands. What am I going to do with this guy?
“So what is the date?” asked the man innocently between bites of scone.
“March the 18th, 2006,” sighed William.
William had now been awake for thirty-six consecutive hours and he was not in the mood to baby-sit this buffoon. That is, until he noticed the guy’s ring. It was a simple silver band with a small seal on the top. It was the seal that intrigued him. It depicted a crescent moon surrounded by olive branches. It seemed familiar to William, although he could not determine why.
“May I see your ring?” asked the ageing Prior. The stranger regarded his ring as if he had never seen it before. Then a knowing light dawned upon his face and he looked up.
“My name is Gabriel. I just remembered. And yes you can,” he stated confidently.
“Gabriel. A good name. It means ‘man of god’ if I am not mistaken,” William said as he took the ring. He began to examine it more closely. A few silent minutes ticked by.
Gabriel waited while the prior examined his ring. The old prior was being very kind to him. I must be coming across as insane, Gabriel mused. The prior had listened to his story with a concerned air and offered him food and dry clothing without questioning him at all. Gabriel felt for him. Poor man, having to listen to every nutcase and drunkard who comes in here looking for free food and a bed for the night. Gabriel regarded the old prior affectionately. He had a round face and a big frame with kind, knowing brown eyes hidden beneath bushy, silver eyebrows. He wore only his rough, home spun cassock and old leather sandals on his bare feet. A true holy man, Gabriel thought.
Gabriel’s thoughts turned inward. He was becoming uneasy. He had been telling the truth so far, just omitting a few key details. Should I trust this man? Will he help me? Suddenly Gabriel stood. There’s nothing for it, he though, I might as well tell him the truth. He was tired of lying.
“I have to go. I have imposed on your hospitality long enough.” Gabriel had decided what he needed to do. William, who had been ignoring these remarks, suddenly realized why he had recognized the ring.
“Wait.” William’s mind was reeling as he tried to think of an excuse to stall him. “Who are you?” The prior asked, confused. This ring, thought William, carried the symbol of the archangel Gabriel, the left hand of God. Gabriel smiled at William, but inside he was torn. Telling this man the truth would put him at great risk. But on the other hand, he needed somebody’s help. Anybody’s help.
Gabriel quickly made up his mind.
“I knew there was a reason why I came here,” he stated decisively. “You are supposed to help me. I have to show you something. Are you alone?”
“Yes,” replied William tentatively. This didn’t sound good.
“Please do not be afraid,” said Gabriel, “I’m not going to hurt you.” With that he removed his leather duster in one graceful movement. He wore no shirt underneath it and had a few strange scars on his tanned and finely chiseled body. But that was not why the prior gasped and recoiled in fear, crossing himself and dropping to his knees as he took in the sight before him.
Gabriel stretched his wings in relief. They had been stuffed under his duster all evening. The great wings nearly filled the small dormitory and seemed to suck all the light in the room towards them. They stretched away from his body nearly six feet on ether side. They were the color of a stormy sky.
“Please do not be afraid,” Gabriel repeated. “All I have told you so far is true. Only, I ‘m an angel. Or I used to be. I think I have been banished” Gabriel regarded his wings in surprise. “Odd,” he thought aloud, “my wings have changed colors. They used to be white.”
William was beginning to regain his sanity. He ran a sweaty hand through his thinning silver hair. This cannot be, he thought, terrified. He knew lack of sleep could cause hallucinations, but nothing like this. Then reason started to take hold again. I must trust in God’s plans, William reasoned as he got to his feet. If I am supposed to help him, I will.
“How can I help you?” William asked. Gabriel sighed in relief. William had reacted better than he had expected.
“I need to speak with the Pope.”
This has been seriously edited since the first two reviews, so I hope you like it. Sorry it looks like such a mess but I can't figure out how to indent the paragraphs. There will be more coming soon so let me know what you think!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Rain pelted the forest floor in huge dime-sized drops. It was spring time in Scotland and the earth was sodden with rain. The wind buffeted the windows of the cloister. Prior William listened to the ruckus of the storm as he finished his evening prayers. He was turning down his bed when he heard someone entering the church. Bloody drunks, he cursed as he went to shoo the intruders away. As he entered the main hall, William saw a dark figure kneeling before the altar. It was a large man with dark brown hair. He wore soaking wet black slacks and a long leather duster draped over his broad shoulders. William cleared his throat to get the man’s attention.
First of all, I’m not sure about the flow here. Some of your sentences seem – abrupt. I think the problem is that you’re stopping too soon (lol duh) and perhaps being a trifle repetitive with the whole storm thing. Might work better if you try to lengthen your sentences a wee bit, to keep the same ideas close to each other perhaps? Also, info-dump. Try not to give us so much info at once – make us work for it! LOL. And one more thing – it doesn’t seem right to me to have a prior (assuming you’re using this in the monk-type sense) “shoo” away drunks. Perhaps something kinder? Unless, you know, you don’t want him to be a nice monk, LOL. It’s just, I kind of have trouble with a monk “shooing”. And swearing, even something as harmless as “bloody”. I don’t know why.
“There are no more services tonight, sir, I’m going to have to ask you to come back tomorrow,” William stated calmly.
OK. I suggest right now you check out Snoink’s site, particularly the part about words to use instead of “said”. Because “stated”...unless you’re talking about someone stating facts, or something official-sounding – like, a proclamation – I’d use another word. Preferably said. And why calmly? The other man isn’t (or hasn’t been said to be) violent, raging, in need of calming, or upsetting in some way. Perhaps “gently” would be better? Since the guy is assumed to be drunk, and all. Or maybe, “clearly”? Maybe he raises his voice to be heard? I don’t know. I think I’m nitpicking again, so I’ll stop LOL.
Grammar point: put separate persons’ speech on different lines.
This man is no drunk and he doesn’t appear to be a criminal.
Two things here – (a) present tense. Why are we in the present tense all of a sudden? If this is meant to be William’s thoughts, then italicize or better yet, put it in the past tense anyway. – (b) If he didn’t appear to be a criminal, why did William feel so relieved at the end of the passage, when you say, “he had been thinking him a criminal”? I’m not sure if it quite works that way.
The man stood as he remarked, “this is a beautiful chapel you have here, Prior.” William suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. Despite being nearly sixty, William was a large and imposing man. This stranger was nearly six inches taller than him. William shifted his weight un-easily. He hadn’t told the man he was a Prior. William repeated the question more sternly.
This section bugs me. First, punctuation on the first line! And second, William’s being uncomfortable, his height and the fact that he hadn’t told the other man he was a Prior don’t seem to fit together. I think you need to rearrange your structure a bit here. Perhaps:
The man stood.
“This is a beautiful chapel you have here, Prior,” he remarked. William stared at him, suddenly realizing just how tall he was. The Prior himself was still large and imposing, even though he was nearly sixty, but the stranger stood at least six inches taller than him, making him feel a little uncomfortable. And he didn’t remember telling him that he was a Prior. He repeated his question a little more sternly.
“Yes, it is beautiful. Is there something I can do for you?”
Or similar. Sorry. I’m a demon for rewriting other people’s work **blush**
“I am completely and utterly lost,” he said in an exasperated tone. William laughed. Here he had been thinking the man was a criminal.
One thing I would recommend: never, ever, if you can possibly help it, use the word “tone” when referring to someone’s voice. It just...urgh. Sorry, LOL, but...it kind of works here, I’ll admit, but I would try to avoid it as much as possible, because it sticks out, you know? I’d replace it here with “exasperatedly”. Fewer words the better, IMHO. As for the last line, nice tie-in, but perhaps it would be smoother if you put an “and” at the beginning. “And here he had been thinking the man was a criminal!”
“March the 18th, 2006,” sighed William.
Aah! **enlightenment dawns** I get it! Modern monkeys! It all makes sense now. But do you mind trying to work the date in a weeeee bit earlier, so densities like myself don’t get confused? LOL. Cheers.
No, you must be dreaming. He can’t be. No.
Why the second person? I never refer to myself as “you” in my own head, LOL. I’d go with third person here, less jarring.
The stranger smiled at William. Gabriel was torn.
If we know his name, use it. Otherwise it sounds like you’re telling it from William’s POV and the change is confusing. So, “Gabriel smiled at William. He was torn.”
Gabriel quickly made up his mind and stated decisively,
Gabriel made up his mind quickly.
“I knew there was a reason why I came here,” he said. “You...”
I have to show you something, but do not be afraid. Are you alone here?
If I were you, I’d leave out the afraid bit until William actually shows some fear. This reads better as: “I have to show you something. Are you alone here?”
With that the Gabriel removed his leather duster...
Um. Forgive my ignorance, but WHAT is a duster? Other than, you know, something feathery that you dust with, LOL. Also – with what, exactly? Gabriel isn’t the last one to speak, so “with that” is inappropriate. What you *could* do here, is write in the “don’t be afraid” thing:
“Don’t be afraid,” Gabriel said. With that, he removed his leather duster…
But I still say “With that” sounds out of place.
But that is not why the prior gasped and recoiled in fear. The prior second reaction was to cross himself and drop to his knees in prayer.
Present tense again! Make this into the past tense please (“but that *was not* why the prior gasped and recoiled in fear”). I wouldn’t categorize the next reaction as “second” – too much like you’re reading a grocery list of actions, LOL. Instead, build it onto the first sentence: “But that was not why the prior gasped and recoiled in fear, crossing himself and dropping to his knees as he took in the sight before him.”
Love the transition to Gabriel stretching his wings. Very smooth. A bit of info-dumping there though; you might want to try to break down the amount of info you give, making sure you incorporate it into the story and don’t give too much all at once. Also, I’d work on balancing the length of your sentences, some short, some long, some medium. As it is, it reads jerkily because they’re all one length. Remember, sentence length can add atmosphere. Use it.
“And my wings have changed color[s]s[/s].”
Otherwise, love what he said there.
“How can I help?” William asked. [s]He had made up his mind.[/s]
I don’t think you need this part. You’ve shown us his thoughts, and we know he makes up his mind, LOL. Don’t insult our intelligence!
Overall, this is most interesting! I will look forward to reading more. The main areas I think you should work on are:
1. Sentences. You need to work on the flow of your sentences, as they seem slightly stilted and the length doesn’t vary enough.
2. Atmosphere. I’m not getting a sense of where and when we are. A little bit more description and “fleshing out” might help. I want to see some of William’s life, his surroundings, etc.
3. Characters. So far, you haven’t really given me a picture of either William (except for his silver hair) or Gabriel (except as a somewhat sexy angel with cool wings and a great bod, LOL). But seriously, describing their looks isn’t enough. I want to know their quirks, their habits, their pet sayings and what they do in the evenings when they’re alone. In short, I think you need to build them up more. I realize these are only the first two chapters, and that they’re quite short, but I think they’d really benefit from a bit more exploration.
Your dialogue is very good, and once you get the formatting worked out I’m sure that will be much easier to read, so that’s not a problem. These chapters would benefit from some thorough editing and a bit of fleshing out, but I’m very intrigued by the story so far, so will look out for more of your work with great anticipation
Write more soon!
Cheers,
~bubbles
The orange is not quite right to me. Dimes are fairly small even when comparing them with rain it contradicts itself cause people associate dimes with small. You could take out the dime sized and it would work better.
The red is disrupting flow. Something like, The spring showers drenched Scotland and blew hard on the cloister windows. That would incorporate the sentence after too.
If the green is dialouge or thought, it needs to be italicized or put in quotations and it starts a new paragraph.
You use William quite often. Repetition can lose your reader.You need to show more than tell us what the characters look like. You don't have to describe their full features immediatly. Treat it like a puzzle. Give us a few pieces here and there as you go. It keeps the reader reading and doesn't overwhelm us with information.
And when a character speaks start a new paragraph. And when the second speaker speaks start another.
Chapter one was short. You might want to expand it more. It will give a chance to slowly introduce William and avoid the info dumpage. Maybe starting a little earlier in the day. Just a suggestion.
You missed a letter in the red.
The orange is thought and needs to italicized. (I'm sure you write this in word and didn't realize that you had to format it before you copied and pasted)
And the green changes POV. It is okay to change POV but you cant do it so abruptly like that. It is confusing.
.
The red is an extra word. This is a very good paragraph. I could feel the surprise and fear of William and it flowed gracefully.
I like it pretty good. Some major issues are the info dumping and the telling more than showing. Now that you've posted a story I'm sure you will realize that you have to put the [ i ] [ /i ] for italicized words and you have to put spaces between the paragraphs. It's a big help to the readers here so that the words don't bunch together.
I have a bit of advice for you. Whether people like it or not shouldn't matter when writing. Just because someone doesn't like it now doesn't mean someone else wont like it later. I've written plenty of stories that have crapped out in real life but people around here like them. Basically what I'm saying is don't let people decide what you write. You decide what you write.
This Crit Brought to You by The CCF