My first attempt at a poem. Here you go, world.
I break away from the monotony of apathy
this moment of eradication
of my feelings takes dedication;
a hopeless mission to transition
to a nation of empathy
to dream of open emotions
like unbottled oceans
in a sea of guilt,
like wilting flowers in a drought
my empty cup of doubts overflows
everybody knows, everybody knows
my thoughts can be seen
all over my face
a jumbled mess that makes no sense
no there's no pretense
the thoughts I create
just exacerbate my fears
that have built up over the years
over time I've come to find
I'd rather run from my thoughts
more often than not,
than be antagonized by
the agonizing feelings inside
my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Wow really good for a first poem...especially like the ending. Well done!!
This is a very good start for your first poem. Your writing style is pretty amazing, but with this poem, you didn't quite seem to get to the point until more towards the end. I almost drifted away when I started reading it, because it wasn't apparent immediately what it was about. Maybe that's just what I prefer... Anyway, with that aside, this was extremely well written. There is a lot of emotion in here. Keep writing!!
An excellent first attempt! You've got a great sense of rhyme, especially all those internal ones and there's some clever wording going on here. However, your flow is a little off in places and of course there's always room for improvement. So. Here's a few comments which may help you in this and all future endeavours:
I break away from the monotony of apathy [Try saying this line out loud. It's tricky, no? Your first line should be smoother, easier for the reader to step into your poem and then build your rhythm and such from there. You're fine un til monotony by the way, it's the 'apathy' which throws the line off.]
this moment of eradication
of my feelings takes dedication;
a hopeless mission to transition [Love the half rhyme of mission and transition, very good! The previous full rhyme (eradication, dedication) doesn't work quite so well because it's not as subtle and is kind of roaring in your face.]
to a nation of empathy
to dream of open emotions
like unbottled oceans [Good. Very nice line.]
in a sea of guilt,
like wilting flowers in a drought
my empty cup of doubts overflows
everybody knows, everybody knows [Nice use of repetition.]
my thoughts can be seen
all over my face
a jumbled mess that makes no sense
no there's no pretense
the thoughts I create
just exacerbate my fears
that have built up over the years [This line is forced.]
over time I've come to find
I'd rather run from my thoughts
more often than not,
than be antagonized by
the agonizing feelings inside
my mind. [Not a bad ending.]
Content
Alright so I like this but one issue I have is that there's not a clear content to your poem. It's currently a collection of words and images, some vague, some strong and it doesn't go beyond that. There's no message or story to grasp at so to speak. As you get more experienced with poetry you'll start to realise that the 'plot' element is as important as keeping the flow in check.
Punctuation
This thing needs some stops and more commas, yeah? It's very hard to know where you're supposed to take a breath and if you try reading this out loud (as you always should with poetry) then you'll see what I mean. Remember, poetry isn't just there to be read in the head. It's written for an audience so you can readi it out to friends or children or even just to yourself or at a poetry slam. It's a very verbal art which is why the sound of words is as important as what they say.
Overall
An excellent start. You've got all the potential of a good poet so keep it up. Maybe try writing one or two in free verse though until you've got the feel of how to get the content right and then start fitting that into a structure.
Good luck and hope this helped a little,
Heather xxx
Wow. This was deeeeeeep. Such good vocabulary is embedded in this also,in every line.
This was my favorite stanza! But the one thing that I wish you could have elaborated on more was exactly what was going through your mind. What were all these agonizing feeings? The reader kind of has to guess what you're talking about. When, we really don't know. Now, you might think that this is talking about agonizing feelings in general, BUT, I think the poem would have been even better if you gave us a good example of what you're talking about.
Overall, excellent job for your first attempt at a poem. Keep up the great work!!
Hi! I agree totally with thescratchman: this is a brill first poem. However, I do understand how apathy can be monotomous, if a little more discouraging. You definately need some set stanzas in your piece. It would flow a lot better with a few more periods and colons, too. Also, I think some of the words you used really clumped up the smoothness of your poem. Try simpler connective words. All-in-all, a great poem. As regards a title, I think perhaps just quote a piece of your poem, like: 'Break Away.' I'm not too sure if that's just a rubbish suggestion! lol. Happy writing, I'm sure you'll come up with a title soon...
~ Amelia
This is a really beautiful poem. It's very good for a first try. Keep writing!!
This is very good for a first poem. I question the first line where is says 'monotonous apathy' -monotonous indifferance? It doesn't really make any sense.