Published January 22, 2011
You knew I would give in to those sorrowful eyes. You knew I would forgive.
I played the game like a broken child with a tattered toy, wanting to fit in.
For you….it was child's play.
I felt like the puppet that was never properly handled, often misunderstood and tossed aside. That’s what I was, wasn’t I; just a rebound for you to pick up when you run out of other options?
I fell for it once.
I was foolish to believe the words you spoke to me were anything but a lie. I thought I saw in your eyes, a spark of hope for another try. But it was just your pride; dancing in acknowledgment that you had once again, won.
I'm backed up in a corner. I HATE you. But yet, the child part of me wants to see the figure that you should be. I don't want to for ever be as old as I have had to portray…I want the childhood I never had. No more pretend!
…But you can't make up now for what you damaged back then…
I can lie to my friends. They see me another way. I can be happy and act like everything's ok. But here only ONE truth lies; the reflection of me and who I portray to be, combined into one. I wear I disguise; these strings are the lies; and the puppet continues the dance of two lives. I barely hold my own strings and I can't control me. It's funny. The ONLY present I got from you years ago; it was Pinocchio… the puppet.
I got the thread all intertwined with my upset hands.
I saw you laugh and work them like you had other plans.
None of which really concerned me, only your happiness, among other things
The puppets in my dusty closet with the skeletons … I could never figure out how to work the strings….
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Thank you for your comments. How ever this was a free verse. Truthfully I think context is nothing. It does flow well and grammar is nothing without a real good piece of work. Out of the three comments I got, I only got one person that said she liked it as a piece of work. Yeah it isn't professionally written, but it's a poem and you CANNOT put a cap on free verse poetry. I'm starting to think this site is not worth my time, but we'll see.
Hi there this my first comment ever:) i have read through the previous comments and they are true however i really like the way you used the puppet and the whole concept of how a person can be controled by a puppet, it was very creative:)
Hey there, Victorian, nice to meet you!
Okay, I’ll be short with this and say that you’re really blending prose and poetry here which can make reading and classifying and reviewing a piece of writing.
In some ways, the ideas and such feel very poetic. In the same sense, the structure seems more like prose. That’s why I say it’s a bit difficult to really review this because part of me wants to look at it as prose and part of me wants to look at it as poetry.
These are your only really very poeticish lines and that’s because they have rhyme. But they’re long and they drag out more like a personal narrative than anything else. What I’m getting at is that it needs a little structuring.
Take for instance
You knew I would give in to those sorrowful eyes. You knew I would forgive. (18)
You knew I would give in (6)
to those sorrowful eyes. (6)
You knew I would forgive. (6)
I’m not saying you have to do this. That would make me a dictator. But do you see the number at the end of each line. What I’m mostly trying to point out is that by breaking it up, it seems less like prose and more like poetry because you’ve given it structure.
Personally, I’m not the best person to be giving advice on structure. However, there is an article I feel I should point you out to. Points ---> On Highly Structured Poems (by Snoink)
Even for fun, try out some of her tips to see if they help you out with making things less prose and more poetry. Learning to watch your metering especially will help you out because if you meter down to a certain pattern then you have to watch your word choice which in the end leads to ultimate improvement over all.
As far the poem goes, though, it seems a little scattered. You have a good idea and a rather unique extended metaphor going on but it’s very…large. Part of this too, comes from line length I think, at least for me.
You have the poetic idea but turning the poetic idea into a poem usually takes a bit more than just putting words down. It’s about word choice and metering and even rhyme scheme so keep that in mind.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me and I’d be more than happy to answer.
~lilymoore
Hello there. I'm here to critique your work and I apologize if I sound harsh. I'll comment throughout the poem in bold, and edit as I see fit, always pointing out where I'm editing. Rest assured, however, that this is ultimately YOUR poem and you can choose to change it or leave it be as you see fit.
Okay, so what I found with your poem was that there was no flow. There were too many great ideas all placed in it, but none of them were meant to be together. It was like you tried to force a bunch of different poems together, and it didn't go well. I like the concept of the puppet, as well as some portions of this poem, but I don't like it together. It makes me think you had too many ideas and wanted to get them all down, and instead of doing it individually you just threw them all together into one massive poem... and it didn't work.
So what I have to say to you is that you have good concepts, but you need to split them up! Don't force things to gel if it won't happen.
Good luck with your future in writing,
-Molly