Hello there! I think this lovely work deserves my 300th review!
So, here I am, wishing to help you with it. The grammar was really a problem in this work as the previous reviewer said but I went through this story and read it deeply, carefully catching each mistake. I will try to help as much as possible as we point out the mistakes I had found and the way to fix them.
Positive praising part
I like the idea of this work. The first prespective is not really the best choice but it is still writer's decision. I can work with that. Maybe it looked like 'telling not showing' because of the prespective and the way you make us see it. The first paragraph was full of amazing 'showed' detailed, not 'told' which is pretty much the plus point I give you here. After that, you just started explaining and 'telling' us. But overall, I do not think this is the biggest problem in your work. The idea of it is beautiful even if we talk about a broken heart that tries to be fixed. I do not agree with the previous reviewer that it is not understandable is it a man or girl or who is who. Obviously you showed us 'I' is a woman and 'You' is the man she is seeking for but still wants to forget about him. A broken heart. This was really sad because it is relatable, knowing that at least once in our lives we are going to be heart broken because true love can not be found so easily, unfortunately. This is all I had to say. You had written a very good work. The ending was perfect, showing that in the end, you will stay strong.
Critiques and suggestions
I`m fighting this was against something that does not actually have a cure.
You do not need space after the apostrophe at the start. Also, I think this sentence needs to be seperated to make more sense actually. It sounds like two different sentences.
I am fighting. This was against something that actually have no cure.
I think about when I look at the foot of my 7th shot that night. When somebody says your name and I can see our memories replaying when I close my eyes for a millisecond.
'foot of my 7th shot' I do not get it so I will need explaination.
'after' can replace 'of' very well.
'When somebody says you name and I can...' I do not how to explain this but it is not right.
You do not need 'and'. It is already understandable. You just need a comma before 'I can'.
Example: When we leave the room, you can call him back.
You can call him when we leave the room.
When he looks at me and smiles, I just can not stop blushing.
It is because of the build of the sentence.
Whereas you drink to cool down, I drink to forget you.
'Whereas' is wrong by itself.
'As you drink to cool down, I drink to forget you.' is a good option.
Carter Lane was certainly not boring, never an unexciting moment.
Carter can not be 'an unexciting moment'.
He is a person after all. You can have unexciting moments with him.
A attractive face.
'An' not 'A'.
Known by people as someone who never backed down, and never gave up.
You can not put comma in between the two parts of this sentence. You can use comma only if you connect two independent sentense who can make sense on their own. The second part 'and never gave up' is not an independent one.
It felt like we were worlds in some solar system,
'some' is used for things more than one, so plurals.
'system' is only one, single. So, you can not use 'some'.
'planets' is more suitable than 'worlds' but this is optional.
Planets in solar system.. just more sense in it? Maybe 'worlds' can be used with 'universe'.
I remember sitting in a corner squeezing my knees and pleading myself to stop crying.
You need comma after , in a corner'. You order one by one.
Example: I took paper, markers and ribbons.
I can still hear that heart-breaking dial tone when you hung up.
and too never give up.
'heartbeaking' it is.
..and too never give up.
'too' needs to be 'to'.
I let you get inside of my mind.
It needs to be 'inside my mind' you do not need 'of'.
Example: I let him inside my soul.
I wanted to put the box inside of a car.
Leaving me in pain, confusion and wondering why.
I understand that you mean 'and leaving me wondering why'. But still. Maybe 'Leaving me in pain, confusion and worders.' is a good option too.
Overall, good job and keep on writing.
Points: 21027
Reviews: 485
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