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the last things I need to say

by viclemore


As a kid I used to wake in the night and hope for the sun. The darkness troubled me; my imagination supplied many creatures with fantastical mouths to lurk beyond the range of my vision. Now I embrace it. The night offers cover from the flesh and blood of the day, the ones with their guns and official badges, the ones who can be judge, jury and executioner in the name of freedom. Even on moonlit of nights, I blend into the city shadows, staying clear of those pools of yellow light that flow from the street-lamps, hiding from anyone who might be suspicious. The only reason to risk out at night is to join the game, the game where everyone misses and the reward is almost non-existing.

Only accompanied by the moon and the blinking yellow lights from light posts, I feel emptier than ever. I feel empty and alone. Nothing feels real. I do not feel sad but just numb, uncomfortably numb. Like I am on another ruthless trip, just without any drug to cause it. When I started hearing voices I wondered why I wasn`t able to fix them. Does pain have to be felt in the back of the throat to be real? And I wondered if I could die before my body did. You tried to make me point out the place it hurt, but I couldn`t. Told you about the voices, the ones you didn`t hear and you promised that I would be okay. That was a lie. It`s been three years, and the voices are about to win. I`m sick. I`m fighting this was against something that does not actually have a cure. I`m lost.

I am walking down this street with a destructive plan in my mind, like numerous nights before. However, tonight is different, and once again, I’m here with my pockets full of dope, waiting to make some quick bucks in the end. Nobody assume someone my size to be the middle man of one of major drug circles in the nation, that’s why I can distribute. Day in and day out I do the same procedure, pick up the shit, get a brief description of the costumers, wait, deliver, eat, get on a bus, deliver, get home, sleep. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Often I find myself wondering how I even got into this; it is because of the number one stupid motive for any stupid decision ever: love. The lovely, purest, most gut wrenching form of torture. Yet the one I find myself seeking desperately like a love-struck teenager.

When you left dear, I stopped looking for happy endings, and reasons to smile. I stopped observing the shape of the clouds and the color of the grass, I stopped smiling at people in the street and stopped talking about the things I found beautiful. It felt like everything just stopped all together, I was stuck in time, everything spinning forwards without me.

I do not talk about you, because people expect me to be over you by now. You screwed me over so many times and hurt me so much I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again, but somehow you’re still the only one I think about when I look at the foot of my 7th shot that night. When somebody says your name and I can see our memories replaying when I close my eyes for a millisecond. You are continuously there, always in the back of my mind reminding me of what happened. I know I should be over it by now, but I guess I like the way swallowing your name leaves a rambling burning line down my throat. I was the drunkest woman surrounded by the most alcoholic men, and you would wonder why I drink. Whereas you drink to cool down, I drink to forget you.

There are so many things I should’ve never told you. Because now you see, I am harbouring crushing secrets I am too afraid cannot even acknowledge anonymously.

In nature, lively colours assist as a warning sign of poison. The livelier the colour, the more deadly the substance is. And your eyes, god, your eyes, were the wildest gloom of navy that I had ever seen. It is really no wonder that they stopped my heart the second you looked at me, and the colour represented the poisonous hurt you left me. Adoring you was simply like swaying around a sleeping tiger. The excitement was intoxicating; but the consequences were lethal.

That is why I had to move, away from you and everything that reminded me of us. Still, I find myself looking for your replacement, trying to find a part of you in every person I meet, telling myself that I am over you. Sleeping with whoever and downing shots to get you out of my mind, and I know you would be mad if you knew that I am on the verge of screwing up my life. But you’re not mad, because you have no idea what I’m doing, and frankly I don’t think you care anymore.

Carter Lane was certainly not boring, never an unexciting moment. A attractive face. Well defined, with a sharp jaw and cheekbones. The nature of his skin goes well with his colourless eyes. Known by people as someone who never backed down, and never gave up. He was surprisingly intelligent as well, it did not take me long to realize how he never was caught for making various drugs, he was simply a genius, which is rare among people in this kind of business. My body required his like the mind craves information and the stomach craves nourishment. It felt like we were worlds in some solar system, and I could not break from his intense gravity. I desired him, and my mind turned to him with every minute that passed by.

Or so I thought, because he lacked the one thing I wanted the most: He was just not you.­­ And I realized that the biggest difference was the way he looked at me, like I was a piece of meat and he hadn’t eaten in four days. Nothing about us was tender loving, it is simply lustful, and lust is not satisfying forever. Honestly, I do not mind. I am too messed up for any kind of affection.

And when it ended, and I couldn’t reach you it hit like a hurricane. I remember sitting in a corner squeezing my knees and pleading myself to stop crying. I can still hear that heart-breaking dial tone when you hung up. I cried that night, the morning after, and the whole next month. I just could not accept that it was over, and I still can’t.

You see, two years ago you saved my life, you showed me all the reasons I should be happy. You promised to stay by my side, and too never give up. Yet, you did when I was in a psychotic state. I broke every boundary I have ever had; I told you every secret, and every thought. I let you get inside of my mind, and I let you see everything. And you left, just like that. Leaving me in pain, confusion and wondering why. Now it’s been hundred days since I last saw you, and you still keep me up at night, and I can’t deal with this.

I once told you that if you gave up, I had no reason to keep on going. And darling, I’ll keep my word, even if you didn’t.


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Mon May 09, 2016 1:12 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
Hello there! I think this lovely work deserves my 300th review!
So, here I am, wishing to help you with it. The grammar was really a problem in this work as the previous reviewer said but I went through this story and read it deeply, carefully catching each mistake. I will try to help as much as possible as we point out the mistakes I had found and the way to fix them.

Positive praising part
I like the idea of this work. The first prespective is not really the best choice but it is still writer's decision. I can work with that. Maybe it looked like 'telling not showing' because of the prespective and the way you make us see it. The first paragraph was full of amazing 'showed' detailed, not 'told' which is pretty much the plus point I give you here. After that, you just started explaining and 'telling' us. But overall, I do not think this is the biggest problem in your work. The idea of it is beautiful even if we talk about a broken heart that tries to be fixed. I do not agree with the previous reviewer that it is not understandable is it a man or girl or who is who. Obviously you showed us 'I' is a woman and 'You' is the man she is seeking for but still wants to forget about him. A broken heart. This was really sad because it is relatable, knowing that at least once in our lives we are going to be heart broken because true love can not be found so easily, unfortunately. This is all I had to say. You had written a very good work. The ending was perfect, showing that in the end, you will stay strong.


Critiques and suggestions

I`m fighting this was against something that does not actually have a cure.

You do not need space after the apostrophe at the start. Also, I think this sentence needs to be seperated to make more sense actually. It sounds like two different sentences.
I am fighting. This was against something that actually have no cure.

I think about when I look at the foot of my 7th shot that night. When somebody says your name and I can see our memories replaying when I close my eyes for a millisecond.



'foot of my 7th shot' I do not get it so I will need explaination.
'after' can replace 'of' very well.
'When somebody says you name and I can...' I do not how to explain this but it is not right.
You do not need 'and'. It is already understandable. You just need a comma before 'I can'.
Example: When we leave the room, you can call him back.
You can call him when we leave the room.
When he looks at me and smiles, I just can not stop blushing.

It is because of the build of the sentence.
Whereas you drink to cool down, I drink to forget you.

'Whereas' is wrong by itself.
'As you drink to cool down, I drink to forget you.' is a good option.
Carter Lane was certainly not boring, never an unexciting moment.


Carter can not be 'an unexciting moment'.
He is a person after all. You can have unexciting moments with him.

A attractive face.

'An' not 'A'.

Known by people as someone who never backed down, and never gave up.

You can not put comma in between the two parts of this sentence. You can use comma only if you connect two independent sentense who can make sense on their own. The second part 'and never gave up' is not an independent one.

It felt like we were worlds in some solar system,

'some' is used for things more than one, so plurals.
'system' is only one, single. So, you can not use 'some'.
'planets' is more suitable than 'worlds' but this is optional.
Planets in solar system.. just more sense in it? Maybe 'worlds' can be used with 'universe'.
I remember sitting in a corner squeezing my knees and pleading myself to stop crying.

You need comma after , in a corner'. You order one by one.
Example: I took paper, markers and ribbons.
I can still hear that heart-breaking dial tone when you hung up.

and too never give up.
'heartbeaking' it is.
..and too never give up.

'too' needs to be 'to'.
I let you get inside of my mind.

It needs to be 'inside my mind' you do not need 'of'.
Example: I let him inside my soul.
I wanted to put the box inside of a car.

Leaving me in pain, confusion and wondering why.

I understand that you mean 'and leaving me wondering why'. But still. Maybe 'Leaving me in pain, confusion and worders.' is a good option too.





Overall, good job and keep on writing.




viclemore says...


Thank you for your review! I appreciate it, and I'll keep working on my grammar. As said, English is not my native language, but I'll get there!



Elijah says...


Welcome.



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Tue May 03, 2016 3:45 am
geekygirl3100 wrote a review...



The depth to this story is boundless. I read it three times and each time there were different things I noticed. It's compelling and interesting which are two aspects that every story needs. While your grammar needs work to the nearest eye it's beautiful. Now, the only thing that truly threw me off, and it's a small thing that happens to be a pet peeve of mine, is your tenses kept getting mixed up. You described one thing in past tense then the next paragraph was present tense. If that was corrected you're story would run a lot smoother. Your descriptions were perfect, your sentence structure is great, with some grammar and tense revision, this story could be one of my favorites I read on here yet.




viclemore says...


Thank you a lot! I'm fifteen from Norway so I haven't quite perfected my English grammar yet. I really appreciate your feedback!I'll work with the tense you mention next time I write.



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Mon May 02, 2016 1:35 pm
Zackymas wrote a review...



Uh oh. Quite the piece you've got here mate, I shalt give it a somehow short review (I'm still not good at reviewing stories :p).

Really liked it. But there are things that *must* be addressed. (I'm first going to talk about the positive things). Very original story. The wording is on point (Although grammar-san could pay a visit).

Now let's tackle the negative things here:
1st. Telling. You are telling, there could be so much good showing here, but you are telling us everything. I'm pretty sure you know what I mean, parts I think the most revision regarding this are:

"Yet, you did when I was in a psychotic state. I broke every boundary I have ever had; I told you every secret, and every thought. I let you get inside of my mind, and I let you see everything. And you left, just like that. Leaving me in pain, confusion and wondering why."

"The darkness troubled me; my imagination supplied many creatures with fantastical mouths to lurk beyond the range of my vision. Now I embrace it."

2nd.The use of 1st/2nd person. The readers don't know who is "I" or "you". Which is horrible, especially when you are tying to set a romance. Is "I" a girl? A boy? Is "You" a boy? or a girl? Is the MC homosexual? straight? We do not know this, yet you ask us to get into that character's shoes.

This review may have sounded harsh, and I'm sorry for that. I just couldn't find another way to word it :p

Keep writing :D~




viclemore says...


Thanks a lot for your feedback! I agree with your thoughts about showing, not telling. This was a school assignment so I had to write it in a way so I knew my teacher would understand the story. Also, I don't believe that every short story like this needs a specific first character, regarding whether it's a boy or girl etc.



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Mon May 02, 2016 10:57 am
JustJasper wrote a review...



Wow this is really interesting! I like how you used a series of shorter sentences to make it seem more fast paced and sudden. You could touch up the grammar to improve this and possible use a few more metaphors or similes to get your point across. The writing is really good and you don't need to fix much! Great job!




viclemore says...


Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm fifteen from Norway so my English grammar isn't perfected quite yet, but I'll get there. Thank you.




Moo.
— Cow