I'm new at this so please tell me the truth...
Everything is black...
I cant see my hand in front of my nose...
Something shines above my head,
A light.
I try getting closer,
but i cant...
Something is holding me back...
Everything is getting clear now...
Bubbles scape from my mouth,
And I cant breathe!
I'm choking!
I'm under water!
I cant rise to the surface!
I'm trying so hard,
but i cant!
Something keeps holding me back!
Something or someone is trying to drown me!
Don't know what to do!
A burning sensation pulls my skin...
I need oxygen!
I need you!
I need...
...
Cough! cough!
Open my eyes,
I'm soaped
What happened?
Whats going on?
I was drowning...
Wasn't I?
A cold wind waves my hair...
Its freezing,
but i don't care.
I look around me..
I'm standing by a lake...
everything is black and white.
I look up...
A full moon is bright up in the sky.
The light...
I cant see the stars,
even though there is no clouds.
It's so quiet...
So quiet...
Why is it so quiet!?
This is not right...
Were am I?
What am I doing here?
Whats going on?
I move one step forward towards the lake.
Smoothly whisper,
"Hello?...
it's anyone there?... anyone?"
Chilling wind swings the branches of a tree,
...that whines?
The reflection of the moon on the cold water,
dance so beautiful as the wind blows.
It's so beautiful...
So beautiful it hurts...
Life itself hurts without you.
Tightly shut my eyes,
and cover them with my freezing hands.
I'm crying...
One of my tears silently drops
into the lake.
The lake...
"My eternal lake of tears".
Whispered from the deepest part of my mind.
Lower my view,
and turn away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
ok, thanks for your help...
Ok, so you see I made some slight changes. Some places this gets very cliche, also you don't show us anything. This poem is all about tell, and I can't picture what you are talking about because you jump around so often. First you are reaching for a light, then bubbles are coming out of your throat. It's all a little confusing.
Try picking a specific thing you are trying to show us and describe it. Right now this is very clustered with a lot of idea's, maybe try and pick one and run with it.
Good Luck
OverEasy