I was interested in writing a musical at one point and wrote a short song. I want to share it with you. This song is when a blind homeless man comes across a little orphan girl who was crying because she always gets teased at the orphanage about how she looks. Her dream is to be in a fashion show. Well here I go. Enjoy!
Verse 1:
I may be blind
but my heart can see
and you are beautiful to me.
Beauty comes from inside
and the world might not agree
but you are beautiful to me.
Chorus:
There are so many illusions
so many lies
but I don't need eyes
to know that you are beautiful.
Verse 2:
They may see with their eyes
but their heart is blind
and they are never satisfied.
They may judge you by your size
or say your face aint right
Let me tell you girl they lost their sight.
Chorus:
Amazing song! I love how the lyrics rhyme. It is very pure and full of heart. You should consider writing a musical. I know I would watch it. The only improvement I could see would be to perhaps give it a bit more length. Mabey try a more traditional song layout. A typical song would go verse, chorus ,verse,chorus, bridge , chorus. Hope this helps.
Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.
Reviewing lyrics without the music is always a challenge, and I'm curious if you ever wrote a backing track or sample of this song. If you did, I think it would be very helpful to include a link to it so that it could play in the background as someone is reading this, to give them an idea of how you intended the repetition to come across.
In any case, this is a very short song, and I feel like it could use a bit more variety in its structure. Right now, you have verse chorus verse chorus, and it just feels a bit bland, especially when coupled with the "beauty is more than skin deep" platitude that a lot of media espouse. I think that adding a bridge where you add a bit of a spin or twist to the "blind man sees the inner beauty" thing would help give the lyrics a bit more interest from a topical standpoint as well as a musical one.
With that said, the use of a blind character and orphan girl smack of cheap tokenism, to be honest. While the sentiment that there is more to beauty than what's on the surface is nice one, you might want to examine why you felt it best conveyed by using a blind homeless man talking to an orphan girl rather than literally any other way. Character archetypes do exist, and using them is a form of shorthand, but based on just this piece (which is admittedly short and not necessarily representative of the rest of your idea), I got the impression that you were relying too heavily on the archetype to do all the heavy lifting rather than building upon the archetype and expanding upon it to flesh out the characters.
It's always worth asking yourself why you feel a particular character type is better for a particular role than another, if only to keep things from getting too predictable, cliched, and stale.
Hi! I am not very good at reviewing, but I will try.
The first thing I notice is the length. I feel like this is just a beginning of a nice piece. most songs are 3-4 minutes long.
I also want to mention that "blind" and "inside" do not rhyme
Hello vetas! {Welcome to YWS!} Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!Give me your soul.
With that aside, I'm not the best at lyrics but here we go!
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overallStrikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.
otherwise, it's pretty good! the rhyme scheme makes sense and the message is clear. Keep on writing.
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