Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Bogo The Clown: Episode 1

by vetas


Quick note: Oh boy I am so bad at grammar and putting together sentences. I am expecting a lot of reviews on that. My head is filled with many crazy ideas and I want to share them. Even if they come out not so great. I want to create new heroes and villains! I want to make something along the lines of Marvel or DC. Obviously not as good. But new. Also, treat these as episodes and not really chapters. I hope you enjoy!

Kids birthday parties are always a ton of fun. Laughing, screaming, and lots of running around. Once in a while you would hear some crying too, but that doesn’t stop the excitement.

Everyone knows that a party is not a party without two things. First, you need the cake. The couple of pounds of sugar that will make your little ones hit the ceiling, back down, and then the ceiling again. The second final ingredient to a birthday party is the surprise! Every party needs a surprise, especially a children’s party.

Samantha threw a birthday party for her little six year old son Ryan. She could really put together a party. Almost every kid in the neighborhood was over her house. She wanted Ryan to enjoy his childhood even though his father passed away a year earlier. Anything she could do for him, she would do.

The doorbell suddenly rang.

“That must be the surprise!” She exclaimed.

All the kids were excited and gathered around the door. Ryan pushed his way through the crowd and grabbed his moms hand.

“Ready kids?” she asked as she reached for the door handle.

“Ready!” all the kids yelled at once.

The door swung open. The faces of the children changed from happy smiles to horrified looks. Ryan let out a loud scream and the children bolted in every direction. All confused, Samantha turned to look at the guest.

“Not again..” Said the clown.

“You know how hard it is to find a job these days? Especially after that scary movie came out?”

“I am so sorry, but please still come in” said Samantha and gestured to the clown to come in.

He entered the house holding his big suitcase full of surprises. The kids were peeking out from different areas of the house. Back in the days clowns were popular. Now, they are just very scary.

“This is already pretty humiliating but do you think I could use the restroom?” nervously asked the clown.

“Of course! It’s down the hall and to the left” answered Samantha as she started to gather the children in the living room. “We will be waiting.”

Locking the door behind him, the clown stared at himself in the mirror. White face with big red lips and nose. Crazy green hair and ridiculous clothes. He let out a deep sigh and walked over to the toilet. Just as he relaxed he jumped from a horrifying sound of children screaming.

“oh no!” he said realizing he just completely missed the toilet.

Quickly he began cleaning up as he heard the kids calm down. Maybe Samantha told them he’s coming and they all got scared again. He quickly washed his hands and put on the biggest fake smile he possibly could and walked out of the bathroom.

That smile quickly flipped upside down and he hid back in the bathroom when he saw an unfamiliar man with a white face, wearing black, and a gun in his hand! Breathing heavily with his back up against the bathroom wall, the clown didn’t know what to do. He heard the creaking of the floor when the man was walking.

“This is the end” He quietly whispered with his eyes closed.

“The world is better off without another scary clown.”

As soon as he said that, he remembered back in the day all the children he has made so happy. All those smiles flooded his memory. He knew he couldn’t give up. He had to show the world that not all clowns are evil.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a balloon. He blows it up and lets it fly through the air. The white faced man turns and follows the balloon. At that time, the clown gathers all his courage and charges at the man with his big clown feet stomping across the floor. He extends out his fist and nails the man right in the nose. White face was now on the ground knocked out cold. The clown jumped up and down holding his fist from the pain.

“Holy balloon animals that hurt!”

Pulling out more balloons, he tied the man’s legs and hands together.

He then peaked over into the living room and saw another man who has hurdled the kids and the moms into the corner. He was dressed the same way as the one he knocked out. He turned to look towards the clown. The clown quickly pulled his head back and hid behind the door. He wasn’t sure if the evil man was coming or not. He kept his hands in his pockets. He had many surprises in his pockets. Slowly, he peaks around the door and to his surprise the second white faced man was there. As the man began raising his gun up, the clown quickly pulled out two cans of silly string and started spraying them in the guys face making it very colorful. Quickly dropping the cans, the clown jumps in the air and using both of his feet, kicks the man in the chest. The table and hard floor did the rest of the work when the man hit his head and fell to the ground knocked out.

Samantha ran up and helped the clown get to his feet asking “Are you ok?”

He looked at her and said “I’m not getting paid enough to do this.” A smile appeared on his face and began to laugh.

At this time all the children ran up to their new hero. Ryan stepped forward and gave the clown a hug.

“what’s your name?” Ryan asked.

Like any hero, the clown slowly lifted his head and looked off into the distance. He raised his hands and put them on his hips and said, “I am Bogo the clown.”


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Sun Oct 08, 2017 10:55 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



~late to the party but here nevertheless~

So despite the fact that I have never liked clowns (not because of "It," which I refuse to watch/read/otherwise ever absorb in any way), I like that the clown in your story is not only good but actually saves some kids superhero-style. Even before that, I liked seeing his sadness over the fact that once upon a time kids loved him, but now they're all scared, and he misses the way things used to be. He obviously loves his job as a clown and is bummed out that other people don't have the same appreciation for him.

I don't have a lot to add to what other reviewers have already said, but I'm going to echo them on the villain. The dude comes completely out of nowhere and crashes the party in a villainous way for no apparent reason. I could see it a little more if we had a hint of Samantha being rich or something, lots of nice things to steal. But even then I don't know, because the Bad Guy would have to be pretty dumb to bust into an opulent house to steal stuff when there's a children's party in full swing. Why would he not do it when no one's home? Or at least I'd expect him to do it a little more subtly, like he'd get hired as someone working the party in order to infiltrate the house and later sneak off.

Only then why would he have a gun and threaten them all? Hmmm.

Plus if Samantha was rich...like, why a clown? Why not a bouncy castle and pony rides and a magician?

So while I get that you want Bogo the Clown to save the day, you can't start with "something needs to happen so Bogo can save the day" and then throw in a random villain. Think of different bad things that could happen, and consider the fact that they don't need to be so dramatic! Maybe Samantha has a pool in her backyard, and her kid falls in and nearly drowns. Maybe the neighborhood bullies crash the party and try to steal Ryan's bike. Maybe a kid starts choking on a piece of cake. There are so many things that could happen at a kid's party that could require someone to save a person. You can go the melodramatic route if you want, but if you do it's going to need a lot more thought.




vetas says...


Thank you! Lots to think about!



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Tue Oct 03, 2017 7:59 pm
Zoom wrote a review...



Hello. Zoom here for a review.

The reason I was intrigued to read this is mostly due to your A/N mentioning marvel/dc inspiration. Also, I enjoy the subject choice, usually when writers take a stereotype and turn it on its head, it’s a serious topic and done in almost a backhanded, preachy way. But instead, you are taking something that was formerly comical and trying to return humour to it. Interesting - although personally, I am mortified of clowns in any context! To quote one of my favourite book series: "There are two types of people in this world. Clowns, and those who fear them."

Firstly, I just want to point out that you have a tendency to explain things that don’t require an explanation. I have three examples:

The doorbell suddenly rang.


Never use the word “suddenly”. It almost always doesn’t serve a purpose, and this particular word is probably the most amateur word you could possibly insert into your writing.

In this example, there is no need to say suddenly because it is universally understood that doorbells are sudden. If the residents knew the bell was about to ring, there would be no need for a bell at all. Therefore, hearing it would inherently be sudden.

“I am so sorry, but please still come in” said Samantha and gestured to the clown to come in.


The dialogue literally says “please come in”. There is no need to then say Samantha gestured for the clown to come in. She isn’t going to say “come in” then gesture for the clown to clear off down the street. Readers can infer a lot through dialogue, so let them do it.

He had many surprises in his pockets.


Again, doesn’t need to be said. Clowns normally do have a pocket full of surprises. And we will find this out in due course anyway. This just kills the excitement.

Now, for my overall comments.

1) The appearance of the “evil” guys was random AF. There was no foreshadowing, no build up, they just went from not being there to being there. It was so random that I just assumed it was going to be people in costume and the clown had made a mistake, but when they genuinely turned out to be bad guys, I was very taken aback. That’s not even to mention the logic behind there even being bad guys at a child’s birthday party, but I do not know their intentions yet so maybe that will make sense in the next chapter.

2) Your writing is super theatrical. For example, the use of the word suddenly, but also other things like:

he saw an unfamiliar man with a white face, wearing black, and a gun in his hand!]


The exclamation mark seems like a cheap shot at building tension. Let the story do that itself.

3) You switch tenses a lot, from past to present to past to present. People will ignore the occasional grammar flub, but most won’t overlook serious inconsistency with verb tenses. You must work on that.

4) I can see this potentially being quite humorous. I see exactly what you are going for, and can see this being quite a good slapstick, quirky adventure. I’m assuming he doesn’t have any actual powers, and that his arsenal will mostly consist of clown tricks. I wonder where this goes . . .

-Zoom




vetas says...


Hello Zoom. Thank you for the review. I have always had problems with a lot of the things you have mentioned. I need to work on that. English is my second language. but I will improve hopefully!



Zoom says...


I comment you for writing this well in a second language! Usually I can tell but I had no idea!



Zoom says...


Commend*



vetas says...


Thank you :) I know English well, but I grew up learning two languages and I didn't really master both. I can both speak, read, and write English and Russian. But I have grammar and punctuation issues with both as well as everything else that you have mentioned.




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