Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Alright, so first of all this was pretty interesting here, it seems like a story that I'd potentially follow here, something that I would read...buuut it has its issues, there are a few glaring ones that I'll point out down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Two brothers, running aimlessly down a rough dirt road that seemed to have no end. With no directions it seemed as though the two were the only people left, what were two children supposed to do alone in the middle of nowhere? Walking together hand in hand they realized that there was nothing to be running from. The two were practically unknown, they were completely shut off from others. Living in a rickety and far away homestead that didn’t even have a pathway. It would be impossible for them to be found and linked to the undiscovered family.
Well that's an interesting note to get things started on, we've got what looks to be two people just running away from something, and then it goes and says they aren't supposed to be running away, which feels like it cancels out the start a bit too quickly...although there are some pretty intriguing details with the whole premise of these two being quite young here.
Silas and Osvaldo Riggs are two young boys, only the age of 5 and 7 years old, one in hands of his older brother. The older brother that just killed their last blood relative; their uncle. The guilty conscience flooded the seven-year-old boy’s mind, bewildered with ideas of what could happen to the two brothers if they were ever found out about such a sinful crime.
To Silas, everything about this situation was confusing, though to Osvaldo it felt like freedom in disguise of a tragedy.
Their parents had passed them down to their uncle. An aloof and tight-fisted man. The two of them were often pushed away and left as an afterthought. They often found that they were mistreated nor were they recognized as his nephews. Osvaldo knew he had to do something, he cared more for his brother than anyone else. The only thing he could think of was to kill him, kill their uncle. Osvaldo ran with his brother as soon as the gun had fired the bullet.
Wow, that is very young, it almost too young there, to think that someone would have to do an act that was quite this serious at an age like that and then proceed to run away from home. Well this has at any rate, officially got my attention quite well here by now, cause we have what looks to be a case of dead parents or one's that abandoned these two somehow and then a horrible uncle that one of them killed...soo...just a looot going on.
The night fell, as they found warmth in a small abandoned barn, with only the light of the moon and the small noises of the owls. They had nowhere to go, the only option they had was to continue walking until they found somewhere to stay or die. Much to Osvaldo’s surprise, the morning had risen much quicker than he had thought, he was lost in his own thoughts.
“Oz, it’s morning,” a soft murmur came from his left ear, it was his younger brother whispering into his ear to get up. It was indeed morning, which meant they would have to continue venturing on. Although Osvaldo had felt awful he knew he had to continue walking to get where they needed to. He wanted to get his younger brother somewhere safe and out of harm's way. Perhaps an orphanage or somewhere he could work. As the two began walking, they soon found themselves in a small village, a small and yet bustling village. The more they walked the larger it got, the more crowded it got, and the busier it got. They began running, it was truly a sight to see for two small boys with all of the architecture and how many people were there. There were plenty of stares as they ran past the small markets and those looking out of their balconies.
Okay...so I guess now we're cutting away from the start of the whole backstory session and getting right to the actual start of the present day here...but hmm...I am wondering why this part is getting tagged onto that earlier bit of backstory. As far as prologues are concerned, that first part seems to fit the bill and this almost seems like the starting point of the first chapter right here.
They soon came to a point where they saw the vast blue ocean in their eyes and a line of people waiting to board a large and strange contraption. It seemed to be buoyant in water and surely something the two had never seen before, they both looked at each other in unison knowing they needed to get in somewhere. They ran behind two men in fancy clothing and soon found themselves on the ship, a ship to somewhere unknown to them.
The two found themselves thinking of each other, where will they go? Somewhere that’s different from their home in the countryside. Albeit, it probably wouldn’t end up being any better than the one they had before, rickety and broken down. Probably has been passed down for centuries. It seemed as though the two were the only children on the ship, they surely were conspicuous compared to others. Two young boys battered up and clothes that looked like they were thrown in the pig farm.
Okay, well looks like these two manage to find something after all, that's good to see, it seems that these two can be quite resourceful despite their young age and they're just about going to try and just fit in here somehow...it doesn't look like they've got too much of a plan but they do at least seem to thinking in a fairly realistic direction here.
Nevertheless, they were quickly accepted. It seemed as though they belong, no one bat an eye.
“ You two don’t seem as though you belong here,” A judgmental crewman approached the two, seemingly ready to kick them straight into the depths of the cold ocean. “ Did you bunch sneak on here?” Both Osvaldo and Silas exchanged a concerned look.
“Yes sir, were the children of…,” He quickly pointed at two unknowing cruisers. Though the crewman was visibly unimpressed and knew Oz was bluffing.
“ I’m not feebleminded,” the crewman spoke with sharp words and quickly grabbed the two by the ear and began dragging them away. The brothers were thrown into a wooden room with a small circular window.
Well...that was clearly no good, that excuse definitely showcases their age right there...even though they're smart enough to get this far, they're not the greatest when it comes to coming up with sufficiently believable excuses I see.
“ Hah! Found yourself some new workers ay Isak?” A man dressed in navy blue spoke up from the corner, holding a bunch of keys.
“Indeed, they may just come in use,” Isak grabbed their cheeks and shoved their small faces away. “The boss will find work for you both soon.”
Osvaldo looked at his brother with a reassuring look that it would be alright, that it would work out somehow. To Osvaldo; this was great, though to the young Silas he was worried and nervous.
Well...that doesn't sound like its going to end will with those two. They escape their horrible uncle only to essentially be almost kidnapped by these men when they realize that they're two lost boys who clearly have no one to support them.
They quickly found themself doing deck work, but they didn’t mind all that much. In fact, they felt like they had a purpose for others. Granted, they didn’t care for the harassment and grueling arm power they had with their newfound job. Surely, the ship would have to reach land at some point and the boys could run away and find more work somewhere else. There were similar men who had felt the same as they, though they couldn’t quite relate to others.
Silas and Osvaldo stood by every minute together, they wouldn’t leave each other’s side. It’s the only way either of them felt safe, at any moment they felt as though they could be eaten up in the mess of the rich that they took care of.
Hmm...well that's a very mature approach to their current predicament, you'd expect children of that age usually to just breakdown a bit but it looks like these two are somehow gritting their teeth and sticking it out until they get a good chance to try and escape...which is a very interesting direction there.
Something formed in Silas at that moment, a weird sense of annoyance. Yet he still wanted to be by his side, he was afraid of being alone for even a moment and he knew he had no one to rely on other than his brother.
I am really liking this relationship between the brother's though, it looks like these two clearly care for each quite a bit here...and it looks like this is perhaps going to be a very important factor of this story going forward here.
“ You two are rather strong, aren't ya! “ An older man exclaimed with a jolly old laugh, he had striking silver hair and flashy suspenders. Two burly hands grabbed Silas’s and Osvaldo’s shoulders, warm and big. Osvaldo pushed his hand away quickly, leaving the man in a bit of a shock.
“Oz, that’s not kind,” Silas’s whined, though he quickly turned his attention towards the older man and nodded his head.
“ My name is Frankie, I’m the owner of a circus that’s currently headed to Paris,” seemingly questionable information began spilling out of this man’s mouth, nonsense to the boys. “ We could really use boys like you when we reach land.” Silas and Osvaldo exchanged looks at each other, Osvaldo shakes his head disagreeing and Silas is doing the opposite of course.
Okay...well that took yet another turn...oh gosh...at this point we've got almost a bit too much happening and I'm having a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around the fact this whole thing is still meant to be only a prologue...I feel like its a bit too much to have in one of those.
Frankie didn’t seem like an apathetic or detached person, instead, he seemed caring and rather benevolent to Silas. The man with silver hair and a built shape that any regular man his age would have. He was peculiar but not in a negative way, he seemed welcoming and trustworthy - at least to Silas. Contrary to what his brother would believe, it felt as though the man was trying to help the two out of their situation. His striking amber eyes and large hands gripped the railing of the ship.
“Listen, if you can get your brother to agree we could really use you. You could be star kiddo,” the words began flooding out of the older man’s mouth. To the impressionable 5 years old this seemed like a dream come true. He simply had to get his brother to agree, he instantly began trying to convince his brother.
OKay...well I dunno what either of those kids are thinking, but I smell someone that's just trying to take advantage of two very young children to end up making a good amount of money right there...definitely doesn't seem like a person that you could trust at all right there...all of this kindness appears to be a bit of an act right here.
“ Why would it, we didn’t even want this job,” Silas grabbed his brother’s hands and looked up into his eyes,” this could be something that’ll be good for us.” Though, not even this seemed to break Osvaldo’s shell, pushing away Silas’s hands he turned his back to him once more.
“Get back to work,” picking up a wet mop he began cleaning the floors, the flies resting on his strands of hair. Once again Silas felt that funny feeling in his chest, a twinge in his heart.
Irksome.
“Fine,” he could push the subject further but he knew it wouldn’t be the best idea, and would probably break their relationship more than it needed to be.
Well...looks like these two are having themselves a bit of a quick argument there..but then it kind of ends off a touch abruptly there, so I don't quite see what this argument here was trying to accomplish besides just being a conflict for the sake of being a conflict...I feel like there should be more of a consequence from this argument.
That night the weather took a dark and gruesome turn, the air was raw. The sky turned bleak as the stormy clouds began to roll in bringing bad weather to the sea and the ship. The ocean began churning and rocking the ship back and forth in an aggressive manner. Silas found himself look outside of their quarter’s circular window scoping the waves and the hostile sea. It was more than intimidating it was terrifying though Osvaldo seemed the least bit concerned with the weather.
“ Do you think this will pass?” The concerned Silas whined to his older brother.
“Surely,” Osvaldo replied, though it was the least bit assuring to him. Osvaldo grunted and put his book down and laid down, relaxing his arms beneath his head.
OKay...well sudden thunderstorm coming out of nowhere to interrupt an interesting conversation is...sudden...a bit too sudden almost, once again I have to ask, why that's mentioned. Perhaps you want to add a bit more atmosphere into things but at this point where you've added it in, it sounds rather random here.
“ Silas, I’m your older brother and my job is to protect you, I want what’s in your best interest, he does not,” Osvaldo replied,” he would probably just use us as tools.”
“ he promised us wealth and a happy future, we could even be stars if we tried hard enough. Wouldn’t that be wonderful Oz? We could be amazing!” This piqued Osvaldo’s attention, he actually opened his eyes to listen to his younger brother.
The older brother definitely seems to be the smarter of the two here, and we finally get to see this little argument of sorts here actually heading in a useful direction that's advancing the plot forward somewhat.
“Can we please give him a chance?” he grabbed Oz’s hands and cupped them with his,” Please..?” Osvaldo groaned and shoved his younger brother’s hands down.
“ Fine. But he turns out to betray us, I will not hesitate to cut him up,” He promised, though he was still highly stubborn about the ordeal.
Well...they just made a nice terrible decision, that's lovely.
That night the weather didn’t get better- in fact, it leads to a lot of the crewmates getting sick, giving off a nasty feeling of worriment. Though much to everyone’s surprise that same morning the sky was beginning to clear up, the ocean settled down.
“ Oi, you two, get up before the captain yells at you,” Isak shook the two up, pulling the excuse of a blanket off of them. “It seems we’re approaching land very soon.” This statement woke the two up easily, they were almost near land…
See now here, would be a much better point to include the thunderstorm description, with the main argument finished and to add an extra bit of detail things, that would make this have a better flow.
“Good morning to you as well Silas, have you discussed what we talked about with your older brother?” He glanced at Osvaldo.
“Actually sir-”
“ Yes! Osvaldo finally agreed with me,” Silas interrupted with a toothy grin.
“I’m very pleased to hear that, great timing as well as we are about to reach land,” he pointed to the very chunk of land they were about to greet.
Well...I have a feeling this is going to end quite badly there...that man is not acting in the way that a person with good intentions would be acting in a situation like this one right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall, the main issue I see with this is, the flow, its got so many scene changes that it feels like we've gotten through four chapters rather than just the prologue. Too many things are happening, and its all very sudden and jittery sometimes. I like the fact that you have clear scene breaks, so that's helpful but again, its like the plot if jumping from spot to spot rather than flowing through if you get whaat I mean. Another issue I have is that this is wayyy too much to have in a prologue, this is basically a first chapter...just calling this a first chapter would be the best idea and think and if you really want a prologue, make that very first bit be the prologue..otherwise, too much happens here for it all to be a prologue, prologue's aren't things that people always read, they are usually shorter mysterious scenes about something that becomes important later. Here this is like the story of these boys. Perhaps you've got the actual first chapter starting somewhere totally different with different and these boys are important later, but well, that is the only situation where this being a prologue would make sense. Well, that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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