Published April 4, 2007
I cough.
I wheeze.
Suddenly, my lungs feel
As if they were
Filled with water.
My throat feels as if it were
a clogged drain.
The coughing fit won't stop.
My throat stings.
Sometimes I think that
I’m about to take
My last breath.
One word.
A single word that can cause
So much pain…
Asthma.
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Ok, i liked this, but this may sound a little weird, you could make it a bit longer and use more 'claustrophobic' words...if you get me there? I had an asthma attack only once and it scared the hrell out of me, and god can i relate to this poem!
I like how your sentences dont finish on once line, its kinda choppy but i think that works well with the poem topic.
Very well done
Meevs
x
This "as if" is too close to the other "as if". I would change this to either "like a clogged drain", or, for an even stronger image "my throat becomes a clogged drain".
As for the last lines that BFG mentioned above, I think the poem would have more impact if you just took them out altogether. Since we already know you're talking about asthma from the title, there's no need to mention it in the poem.
Other than that, I thought your imagery was good. Keep writing!
I liked it up til the fourth to last line,
That whole "one word"/"single word" thing is very cliche and overused and just plain annoying. Especially when the "one word" is the title, so you know it all along. Take that part out entirely, or replace it with something altogether different. And remember, the title is part of the poem, so put the care into it you would for every other line. Also, don't forget you have an audience, so if you have some kind of suspense or drumroll or some way of leading your readers on, it had better be something good to finish it off, and preferably something they couldn't predict from the moment they started the poem.
Other than the last lines, I really did like this. Good subject matter. Keep writing!
OK I updated it, with a little more detail.
As a sufferer of asthma i love how you've altered the rhythm to how breathing would be during an attack, uneven and unpredictable
I like the theme you are trying to present, asthma attacks. But I think it would come off a lot better if, rather than listing and describing, you made the reader feel what it was like to have an asthma attack.
On a side note: You should probably consider not posting 10+ things in one day. We try to keep a nice ratio of two critiques (at the least) for everyone one thing you post. You only have 17 posts total so... with that ratio, I doubt you've done your quota. It's also nice not to post a billion things in one day, it's kind of annoying, and you are more likely to get replies if you post things slowly, rather than all at once.