Published December 16, 2006
Hey, I like writing a lot, but I'm pretty new to poetry. This one of my poems, and it sucks, but I'm not sure what to do with it next. Feedback is appreciated.
here it is:
French Class…in the art room
Tired.
Dark.
The rich smell of hazelnut coffee
And doing endless crosswords on the folded newspaper
While the lecture slowly hums.
Shaded tone drawings—grey, black, light
And blue and yellow sculptures of life aquatic
White wall posters
POST IMPRESSIONISM
SURREALISM
And tone.
Pencils red yellow blue green
Short, long, and in between
Used years...and years
TIME.
Real paintings and sketches
Impossible to create.
For me.
Some are colorful, abstract.
Some days.
Usually gray, lifeless
A grim painting of a woman
Glaring at me
Piercing, burning, and cold
Scolding me for not paying
attention
In french class.
In the art room.
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In addition to bubbles, I think that "red, yellow, blue, green" and "colorful" are too ...colorful, if you will, for the rest of this poem. Most of it is serious, sober, almost grim in grays, blacks, browns - I'd avoid making any reference to any primaries..or anything bright at all.
i like this alot....we had health in the art room, and our art teacher likes nude pictures....it was awkward. neways, nice writing, keep it up
Thanks for the advice. I'll work on revising it some.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS, nice to meet you! First things first: do you mind removing your name from there? Not a good practice on the net (if it's your real name, anyway LOL). Next: the poem.
Kudos! Will look forward to seeing you around.
Tired.
Dark.
The rich smell of hazelnut coffee
And doing endless crosswords on the folded newspaper
While the lecture slowly hums.
While I'm not averse to some of the descriptions in here (mmm hazelnut coffee) I think the first two lines should be scrapped - they are entirely disconnected, and as an intro...well, not so hot - and the crosswords line is too long. Not sure about describing a lecture as humming, either. Nice thought, but puts me in mind of a belt sander, for some reason...o_O
Shaded tone drawings—grey, black, light
And blue and yellow sculptures of life aquatic
White wall posters
POST IMPRESSIONISM
SURREALISM
And tone.
I think I liked this bit. Yeah...
Pencils red yellow blue green
Short, long, and in between
Used years...and years
TIME.
Real paintings and sketches
Impossible to create.
[s]For me.[/s]
I think "For me" should be dropped; it's a fragment and it sounds too self-pitying, LOL. And it spoils the rhythm >.< Otherwise, I kind of like this.
Some are colorful, abstract.
Some days.
Usually gray, lifeless
A grim painting of a woman
Glaring at me
Piercing, burning, and cold
Scolding me for not paying
attention
In french class.
In the art room.
Mmm, this bit seems kind of -- random, LOL. Too many full stops and not enough, what is the word? Flow? Anyway, I think this is the area you need to work on. What does your teacher (?) have to do with the rest of the poem? Bring in some classroom stuff, maybe, or some allusions to school, teaching...basically I think you should try to merge this idea better with the rest of the poem, and work on the flow a bit -- and the punctuation. Um. Sorry, I'm in a rush but that's my advice at the moment, LOL.
Cheers,
~bubbles
PS: Nice to see a new member willing to take crits on board