Young Writers Society

Hi there! I figured I would stop by for a quick review. I can see from the comments that you've already received some pretty useful advice. Hopefully I can add a little more to that pool.

This has a really interesting idea! I'm honestly really disappointed that's it's so short. But this first chapter is also really rough, so I guess its length makes it easier to revise and hopefully get you and the rest of your chapters in the right direction! So without further ado...

The way you describe mediocre rain doesn't seem very mediocre. It honestly sounds as miserable as a "sad rain" would be. The definition for mediocre is, "of only moderate quality; not very good." When you say "mediocre rain" I imagine a light drizzle that isn't very noticeable because... well, it's not really raining at all. I imagine it's just rainy enough to force you to wear a jacket and inconvenience your day without actually hindering you from doing anything truly taxing. I don't imagine rain that soaks through your shoes, because that's sad. Olivia even complains about getting soaking wet. How is that not a sad rain?

And I know it's already been said in previous reviews, but I would like to (ironically) repeat that you do say "rain" and "mediocre" quite a bit while describing the weather. I would definitely advise cutting it down a little. Just get your point across and move on, it's okay not to dwell on descriptions for so long.

This is just a preference, but I would suggest putting Olivia's thoughts in italics. It makes it easier to distinguish between her thoughts and the rest of the paragraph.

I also agree with Jimss about the parenthesis. I personally don't think they're very professional for fictional writing. What you could say in parenthesis can, more often than not, easily be said without them.

Another subjective view: Your description of the bus driver is stereotypical as heck. You could leave it how it is if you really wanted, but I feel like you could easily describe the bus driver as some surly old man without making a huge generalisation. It doesn't make your writing seem very professional to label stereotypical bus drivers as fat, balding, angry men that live with their Mothers.

"not in a good enough mood to carry on a conversation."
Jimss pointed out how you could improve this sentence, but I honestly think you could cut it out completely. Unless Olivia was unlucky enough to sit next to a rare chatty-Cathy, chances are the people on the bus are just as anti-social as she is and they're not going to talk to her. Also, if Olivia is an awkward introvert, which is the vibe I get from her, wouldn't her first choice be as far away as people no matter what mood she's in? That's just an observation, I could be wrong about Olivia's personality.
But my point still stands. The sentence isn't quite necessary at all, in my opinion.

"her obviously blonde hair cheaply dyed a blackish color"
How does one have "obviously blonde hair?" Unless her dyed hair is already growing out and you can see the blonde roots. In that case, I might suggest pointing out the roots, rather than saying "obviously blonde hair." Also, "blackish color?" Is it black or not? What color is it really? It can just be "dyed black."

"our leader is very particular of who he lets in but I think he’ll like you. We meet in the basement tomorrow after school” she said before running off. ‘She seems nice.’ Olivia thought, walking into her math class."
1) Abigail hasn't seen anything from Olivia other than the book she happened to have with her. That doesn't reveal anything about Olivia's personality, and she even gave a halfhearted "I guess they're pretty cool" answer when asked if she's even interested in demons. Olivia could easily be some wishy-washy kid that doesn't even care a lot about demons and is just reading some weird book for the heck of it. What kept Abigail engaged in Olivia? What gave her the impression that their leader would be at all interested in her? I would suggest giving them more of an interaction. Have them talk a little before class, have Olivia say something particularly "devilish" that actually gives Abigail an impression of who Olivia even is before she invites her to a club that is apparently "very particular" about who enters.
2) "She seems nice." Olivia's an awkward kid who's in a bad mood- as stated earlier -and has been making a pretty big effort to avoid all human interaction. Then some stranger grabs her, and gives her an "unsettling smile" as you put, and invites Olivia to a creepy-ass club in the BASEMENT of this new school. What about any of this makes Olivia think that Abigail "seems nice?"

I would suggest imagining yourself in all the situations and asking yourself how you would respond in Olivia's shoes. Or even ask a friend or family member to answer a hypothetical question to see how they would act in a certain situation. This way you get more of an authentic reaction from your own characters. Obviously there's a little more slack because it's a fictional story, and sometimes you just gotta make things happen so you can get along with it. But there shouldn't be a lot of slack, ever. You want to make the interactions as believable and as realistic (as a fictional, supernatural story can get) as possible.

I would also advise reading dialogue out loud to yourself or to others to see if it flows nicely and seems realistic.

Sorry if I came off really blunt throughout this review.
As I said, this is a really interesting beginning, and seems to have a lot of potential. I just want to help get you going in the right direction.

Keep writing!! I hope I was able to help, even just a little bit.

~Pomeroy

Jimss here

Heyo! So I saw your rating and just knew I had to take a gander. Most of my stuff has that content rating, so I was naturally intrigued.

Anyway, how I got here is not that important. So let's do this review!

Quick Disclaimer:
I am here for your work, not for you. You are probably a nice person, and I have nothing against you personally. I am here to offer you my honest, raw opinions. I won't disrespect you or your work by giving some BS review that does nothing but pad your ego and prevents your story from getting any better. These are all MY opinions. If you agree with them and feel like they are helpful, use them. If you don't agree, then ignore them. Nice and straightforward.

1) Rain. Megrim's review covered this, but it bears repeating. Keep the rain descriptive but concise. Too much rain description can water down your story (shameless pun).

2) "Olivia let out a long droned out sigh as she waited"
Cut "as she waited." You already said that in the previous paragraph.

3) "The bus driver was about what you would expect; a fat, balding middle aged man who hates his job and most likely lived with his mother."
This is a little wordy. I recommend changing the flow, so it reads more naturally.
So try something like...
" The bus driver was a fat, balding middle aged man who hates his job and who most likely lived with his mother. Exactly what you'd expect from a bus driver."

Just a thought.

4) (Looks over shoulders, making sure the coast is clear)
Confessions time. Me no gusta parenthesis inside stories. Why? Who knows. I just don't think they are necessary. I prefer internal monologues better. I feel like parenthesis break the fourth wall a little bit.
This is apparently a very divisive issue. I had someone recently attack and cuss me out and call my opinion complete BS cause I said I didn't like parenthesis. People can get butt-hurt about this stuff apparently. So it's up to you. I think in the context of your story, I don't believe that you really need them where you put them. But this is entirely your choice.

5) "not in a good enough mood to carry on a conversation."
A little wordier than it has to be. "Not in a mood to carry..." Means the same thing. Being concise is a hard thing to do as a writer. But it pays dividends with your reader. My opinion. See disclaimer if you disagree.

6) "filing behind."
"in" between filling and behind

7) "stared down by the few students that were there."
Damn, they hate her already. High school students are judgy, but if this was the first day of class, then most people don't know each other anyway. Just saying.

8 ) Judging by your story, you don't have a problem with profanity, so I'll take that as a green light.

"Mr. Richardson was a bit put off by her emotionless stare; stepping back as if ready to defend himself from an attack. “W-why don’t you take a seat next to Abigail.” "

Mr. Richardson is a bitch. I don't know teachers who are flustered by emotionless stares. These are High School teachers. They have seen some things. Now, if Olivia looked like she wanted to kill Mr. Richardson, then that response would be appropriate.

9) "Abigail definitely didn’t fit the visual role of the ‘normal girl.’ "
Show don't tell here.

10) "The Devil’s Notebook by Anton Szandor."

“You like demons and shit?” Olivia was thrown off by the upfront question but nodded in response. “I guess they’re pretty cool..”

The Devil's Notebook is a highly nuanced text, covering a great many uncouth topics. (I assume you have read it, correct?) Olivia would be at least somewhat interested in devils and demon and stuff. This is a response you might expect from someone like me, who has never delved too deeply into the topic. Try to make Olivia's response correlate to your description.

11) “You should join our club, we’re required to call it the mythology club, but it’s really about demons."

Ok, I'm going to make a prediction. There are real demons in this story aren't there? The club is some secret society for teenage demons? Am I getting warmer?

If any of these are too close for comfort, try to make the foreshadowing a little less overt. If not and I'm miles off base, then you are fine.

Now I'm not saying you should not foreshadow at all, put you don't want your reader to go "Ah I see what's going on here" Long before you introduce what is going on. The reader gets bored that way. And we writers must always keep the reader engaged and wondering what is going to happen next!!!

Ok, I'm done. If you want to bitchslap me into next week, I understand. I hope you find something in this undiplomatic dribble that you can use.

You have a good start here. Keep going.

(PS. If you hate me, let me know. I won't do any more reviews.)

Cheers,

The neighborhood jackass,

Jimss

I really loved how you came up with a very bland setting but put bursts of 'odd' things in there. I don't really like how often the word mediocre is used so I would look up some synonyms for it. I also like how you put her next to an equally 'od' girl in class that shocks her by being so blunt; by doing that you really get the feeling of who Abigail is as a person. I really liked reading this piece and cant wait to read more!

Hi there, and welcome to YWS! I'm Megrim, one of the mods from the Resources forums (good place to ask questions and join in discussions and brainstorming!)

First of all, I love the premise--an "odd" character meeting an even, well, "odder" boy, presumably through this demon group. I hope Abigail remains a main character, too, because she's interesting.

I really like her perspective on the rain, and I haven't ever thought about a "mediocre" rain before! My one concern about that section is that it does go on for an awfully long time, and the word "rain" is repeated a *lot* I think you could boil the rain section down to two sentences instead of two paragraphs, eg one comment on the rain not being sad, and a second sentence explaining the mediocre rain. You might also want to watch out for punctuation in that section, because I noticed you missed a few periods and capital letters.

I didn't realize she was new to the school until Mr Richardson introduced himself. I'd expect her to be thinking about this at the bus stop, maybe wondering about what it will be like, missing her old school, or worrying that she won't like the new one. I was especially confused at why she "could be in San Jose"--was that where she used to live, or another school she didn't get into, or what?

I really like Abigail, but I am a little concerned she might be overly stereotypical "goth girl." I look forward to getting to know her better, and I hope to see more of her personality in future scenes.

One grammar thing you may want to keep in mind is that each time a new character speaks, their dialogue should go in a new paragraph. For example, I got confused by “You like demons and shit?” because it was in the same paragraph as Olivia's actions, so I assumed it was Olivia speaking. Then I wasn't sure if “I guess they’re pretty cool..” was Olivia or Abigail either. This could be solved by making a new paragraph each time the speaker changes.

Good luck and happy writing! Hope you settle into YWS nicely.

hi.

Well, I looked at this peice because I was curious about this 'boy' that she was going to meet. It's funny, though, this is the last thing that I would read--not saying anything bad about that. I though that it was going to be romantic, but what cough my attention was the 'odd charcter' that you mentioned in your summery.

So far, I like the way that you describe everything as medioker. It shows that your character was not expecting much to happen. However, I, personalty, feel unconformable with the cuss words--idk, something about all the cuss words is sort of making you main character to be unlikable in way. Just my opeain. You want her to be likeable. Also, I wish that I got some information on what she looked like/ was wearing.

Anyways, I hoped that this helped