By mistake I put this in the Lyric Poetry... so I just moved it here because it's not a
a song, it's a poem.
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I am an opaque night in a superficial world,
Evaded because of my silent breeze.
They all look but do not see;
Reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity;
My chilling essence lingers, frozen in time,
Concealed by my eternal howls.
Do I need to show myself enraged,
Causing destruction and sorrow to be avowed?
Wishing only to bring comfort and joy to others;
I cause my own anguish with desolation.
With my thousands eyes, sparkling with determination,
Looking upon those who share my seclusion;
But is there none to alleviate my pain?
I emerge each day, in hope for that one
To accompany me into ecstasy.
Making my spirit wholesome forever more;
Never judging my dark, ominous manifestation.
I wait for only you endlessly each night, for there is no other
To quench me from my isolation.
The intensity of your passion brings my darkness ablaze;
Ignite me with your consuming blaze.
My silence screams to you, yearning for your presence.
I wait in my lonesome misery;
How long will you make me wait for your radiant sun?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This is a really good poem, but honestly, I'm kind of confused.
When I read this, I was really sure what I was reading.
To me, it just looked like a jumble of some sort.
Love that you tried to use a big vocabulary, but like the others, it was a bit overkill.
Also, the ending didn't seem consistent with the rest of the poem and your rythmn was a bit off.
Other then that, though, it was fairly good.
I really like this poem, but I do have to agree with West. Sometime, it seemed as though you were trying a little too hard. Oh, and the Lyric Poetry section is not for songs. There should be a Lyrics section if you scroll down a bit, and that's where you put songs etc..
Alright, on to the critique.
PLEASE break this into stanzas. It will be a lot easier to read. I realize that it would be very hard to change this poem at this point, but some of your words rhyme, but you have no rhyming pattern. Try to make a constant pattern of which lines rhyme. Now, you have lines 2 and 3 rhyming, then lines 6 and 8, and so on.
Also, you don't have any rhythm, but I'm not sure that you really need one for this poem. It's something for you to think about.
I like the way you punctuated this.
I think maybe you could draw more emotion from a wider audience if you simplified some of the words. The first time I read this, it sort of went over my head until the last few lines.
Other than that, I really enjoyed it. I hope you post more soon.
-Sea-
Ello.
I like the whole picture you're putting together here, I'm just not sure on the way you've done it. The varience of punctuation is a really nice change compared to a lot of poems.
You need verses though. A lot of this is quite complex, which makes reading it in such a bulk really hard. Also, I admire your effort to use so much vocabulary, but again it's a bit too much. People aren't going to enjoy struggling to the end line by line with a dictionary at hand.
Good work though, just remember simplicity is a key element in writing.