z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Our Savior

by veeren


this was all written from the prompt given to me by the wonderful indieeloise:

Prompt: Slenderman kidnapped you in the middle of the night and transported you to a small island of the coast of Greece where he holds his other captives and occasionally tortures them

***

They looked at me like I was the bad guy. I couldn't take two steps without hearing a snarl or an angry remark from the very people I'd just rescued. I got my hands bloody for them, literally, and they couldn't have the slightest bit of decency to even nod their heads in approval.

I looked down at my clothes, now painted in a dark red hue. I reeked of dried blood and struggled to keep myself from regurgitating. Even my fingers and face were sticky with the fluid. I tried my hardest to shake it all off, but the cold night air had already caused it to settle into place.

I looked back into the crowd ahead of me. "Fear no more, the beast has been killed!"

Sobs broke out near the back of the crowd and a few children drew closer to their parents.

I raised an eyebrow and took a step forward, but was stopped suddenly by a few of the men.

"Don't you dare come any closer here you... you-"

"Savior? Is that the word you're looking for?" I asked.

"You filth." He finished.

I watched some women lead the little ones into their homes, assuming they were going off to pack their belongings, and the men as they gathered their tools; I assumed they were going to assist me with getting rid of the rotting corpse I'd left behind.

"Ah, everyone's getting ready to head out I see. I used to study maps, I think if I can look around a bit, I'll have an idea of where we a-"

"No one's going anywhere but you." a man said with a sullen look on his face. He gripped his shovel tighter as he approached me.

"Wha- what are you talking about? Listen to yourselves!" It was almost impossible to believe that I went from arguing with my landlord to arguing with these ungrateful prisoners in just a day.

"You listen to us. You better leave our island before we make you leave."

I looked at the faces of the men as they surrounded me. I didn't get it; he took us here, kept us here, yet these people hated me for getting rid of him.

They came closer, raising their weapons. "Or we'll just kill you."

"No! Wait, wait! If you leave me be, I'll- I'll pay you all! Lots and lots of money!"

They continued moving in. One with a voice full of sorrow looked at me, "If you had money, you wouldn't have had the privilege to come here."

"But, but I saved you! He kidnapped you and I saved you. I killed him for all of you," I tried to reason with them, "Please, I saved you!"

They shook their heads. "He took us in, and he," one of them pointed behind me, "...saved us."

I quickly spun around, and there was the faceless face of the face I'd just smashed in looking down at me with a lookless look of remorseful pity.

My jaw dropped and tears dripped down my cheeks as the men's tools fell on me from every direction. Through the blows, I heard one of them mutter in a woeful tone, "He did always tell us there were two ways to be saved."


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49 Reviews


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Fri Feb 07, 2014 1:13 am
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thehotinpsychotic wrote a review...



Hey, thehotinpsychotic here to review!

Having played Slenderman myself, I was drawn to this story. Now, I really liked it. I didn't notice any grammar errors or any hints of mistakes in any way.

The only thing is that I wish you'd elaborated why the prisoners hated him for killing Slenderman rather than leaving it up to the reader's guess. Stockholm Syndrome? I don't know.

But this was really good!




veeren says...


i thought i made it pretty obvious actually xp
take a look at some of the smaller details while you're reading it through and youll figure why they were mad xp
but thanks! im glad you liked it :D



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Fri Jan 31, 2014 6:34 pm
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MagentaDefined wrote a review...



I really enjoyed the way you started this story, it seemed like you had just tortured the victims and you were surprised that they hadn't been grateful. Moreover, your characters intention to save them but instead making their situation worse can be easily compared to how people intend to do the right thing, but inevitably do the wrong thing. I really enjoyed your story. :)




veeren says...


Thanks xp glad you liked it :D



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Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:19 am
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Cailey says...



My thoughts: "Veeren posted something? Woah! Must read, ah, well, slenderman, maybe not.."

After reading the first line: "This is great. I'll read all of it. I might even forgive Veeren for his creeperness."

And then this line: It was almost impossible to believe that I went from arguing with my landlord to arguing with these ungrateful prisoners in just a day.
I don't even know why I liked it so much. But I did.

And this whole part: I quickly spun around, and there was the faceless face of the face I'd just smashed in looking down at me with a lookless look of remorseful pity.
I am mind-blown, speechless. It's like Inception.




veeren says...


aw shucks, you make me blush xp
im glad you liked it :D



Cailey says...


:D It was all the blood that I liked the most.



veeren says...


Oh yeah but iiiiim the creeper right xp



Cailey says...


Yep. Definitely. ;)



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Fri Jan 31, 2014 3:00 am
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*Blinks*
I- I- -ah.
I dont know what to say. I myself have never really played Slenderman. Never really wanted to. But this was interesting. Very.

Thought I enjoyed it!!! Alot!!! Very nice!




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Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:52 pm
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

First off, I have recently been overdosed with Slender exposure. I hadn't had any real encounters with the game, and then enter college life, circa 0000-0200 (midnight-2am). So the moment I saw your title, I thought "Oh, Slendy!" And then I saw the description and almost Pewdie gasped. So I just had to review this.

Technical:

"I got my hands bloody for them, literally, and they..."

Simply a style recommendation, but you could change the commas to dashes for better effect.

"I looked down at my clothes; now painted in a dark red hue."

Misuse of a semi-colon there. That should be a comma.

"...the cold night air had already caused it to settle it into place."

That last "it" is a bit redundant. Maybe that was for style, but when I read that sentence, my mind automatically read that part without the second it. The sentence just flows better without that it. (Okay, it's seriously annoying to try to talk about an "it" while wanting to use the word "it" over and over. Example: second word of the previous sentence. Sorry, had to get that out there.)

"I looked back into the crowd ahead of me,"

Incorrect punctuation there. That should be a period.

"assuming they we're going off to pack"

I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think that you typoed the "we're" there, instead of "were." Other possibilities include "they're" and "that's where".

...
...
Why? WHY???
They killed Slendy like this? (warning: video contains mature language), and then it's all Game Over for them, and SLENDY'S NOT DEAD! WHY??????
(I was smiling until Slendy wasn't dead anymore. Then I was mad.)
...
...

Anyway, decent story. Sadly, there's no way to make Slendy pop up on the web page once you get to Slendy's return, but still a pretty cool idea.

Hope this helps!




veeren says...


Why thank you Knight xp
You actually caught mistakes I didn't realize I made, so thanks. :D
And I can't just leave slendy dead can I? Xp





Glad to help.
(And you could have just called this a fanfic and left Slendy dead. Fanfic means you can do whatever you want. ;) But I understand why. And somehow, even if there were a way to kill Slendy, his spirit would live on. *shivers* I sense a Slendy mod in the vicinity.)



veeren says...


eh, i just wanted to show a different side of slendy you know. cant have everyone thinking hes the bad guy right ;) xp





Haha, I know what you mean.



veeren says...


awww, seee he's a person just like you and me xp




Life’s disappointments are harder to take if you don’t know any swear words.
— Bill Watterson