A/N: a bit early for a christmas story, but eh. i was bored, and needed to get back in to the creative writing spirit ;p. enjoy.
Santa told me I was a good girl this year. I sat on his lap and he said it to me, right to my face. Then he gave me a candy cane and we took a picture. I thought gifts were supposed to go under the Christmas tree.
Mommy asked if I wanted to see daddy on Friday, and I said no. She took me anyway. It was Christmas eve but the hospital was still full. There weren't any kids there, only old people coughing and sneezing on each other. But daddy wasn't one of them, he was always quiet.
"Look who decided to stop by," he choked out as I walked in, "You're really getting big."
I could smell the vomit. He'd probably been puking all day, since there were spots of dry blood on his hospital gown. He'd been here for a week but he wasn't getting any better. He looked so weak here, like there was no one who could help him. It was oddly familiar.
His medicine smelled less like the cough syrup mommy gave me when I was sick and more like the stuff his shirt was soaked with when he came home late at night. Mommy lifted his gown and looked at his stomach. It was dyed the color mommy's face would usually be the mornings after daddy came home late.
Daddy started coughing. He spit up blood everywhere. Only after the nurses came and tried to help him did mommy tell me he got it on my hands. It wasn't the first time.
Daddy died that night. We held the funeral the next day in the snow filled cemetery. No one was really crying, it was too cold. Only when he was being lowered in to the grave did I tug on mommy's shirt.
"Isn't this a bit far away from the tree?"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,653 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well..this was quite a story...definitely did not expect this judging from that title and the description and well this was quite a powerful one...and that ending especially was just so ridiculously powerful cause of the fact this is told through the viewpoint of that little girl.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Umm..okay....start right off with santa coming to give candy...well...seems like a pretty decent start here...although of course we have the red flags of santa taking a picture and then giving her the gift right to her face...well...let's see where this takes us...
Okay...well that seems like a pretty realistic way of seeing a hospital through a child's eyes although the mother having to haul the child there with her saying no...makes this pretty interesting...let's see where that ends up going...
Hmm...well that sounds like a terrible situation there...definitely some pretty sad description there to showcase just how bad this sickness may be for the father here...oh well...although I guess...the most curious thing here is how she thinks its oddly familiar....wonder what kind of memories could possibly be behind like that...
Well...that is...most definitely not a good sign...and to portray this through the eye of a child...well...suffice it to say, this is quite a powerful paragraph that you've got here.
Aahhhh...welll when you read the description and think its just a simple and fun christmas story...you're definitely not disappointed to see what you've actually signed up for. Well...that's quite a jarring ending that one...showcasing a truly terrible situation there...phew...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Well...this was quite a surprise...anyways...not much left for me to say here I believe...and so...until next time.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
ohhhh no no no you have dug too far into the vault to be safe. THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW younger veer and current veer appreciate it.
You're Welcome!!!
Hehe...I review stories from verrry far back sometiemessometimes*
I really loved this story especially the end.
I disagree with BiscuitsBatchAvoy review,because when a child get hurt he doesn't care who is hurting him him he will definitely hate him.
maybe if only the ones how got to feel that will understand.
Any way it was a nice story.
Keep up the good work.
thank so much for the review, im glad you liked it xp
Well, after you reviewed my piece I wandered over to the homepage and saw that you had a story and featured, no less. So I had to read it.
And it was so sad! I seriously almost cried (and although there may be other factors your writing was definitely powerful) First of all, telling it from the girl's point of view was incredible because you just feel so much for her, way more than it would have with anyone else at the center of the story.
I also love how you tell everything in such indirect ways. I mean, this line: "His medicine smelled less like the cough syrup mommy gave me when I was sick and more like the stuff his shirt was soaked with when he came home late at night."
You had that favorite line in my piece when you reviewed and said it was perfect. But no, this sentence was perfect. I mean, you get the reason why he's sick, and you get the fact that the little girl doesn't really understand what's wrong because she just thinks he's sick with a cold. It's just so beautiful and so sad and sweet.
I want to find something to comment on, and almost couldn't find anything at all about this that I didn't like. But when I read it for like the third time I noticed the dad saying "you're really getting big" but from the rest of the story it sounds like he's only been in the hospital for a week, but his comment makes it sound like he hasn't seen the girl in years.
Anyway, that last line... wow...
Gah, so glad I decided to read this.
awww shucks, youre gonna make me blush xp
your compliments are appreciated and im glad you got some of the subtle stuff i put in there. it really does encourage me to write more ;p
anyway, thanks again!
'Mommy asked if I wanted to see daddy' - 'Daddy' should have a capital D.
Ok, I too am having trouble understanding how this can possibly not be a sad story. The kid's father died . How is that not sad? I had to read the review below to realise it was a Christmas tree. Even the little kid looking over to see a group of pine trees, which could spark the thought, would help.
You are very good at getting emotions across, especially in such a short space. Your descriptions are vivid and I really could picture all the blood. I'm guessing that the father is an alcoholic but I'm not sure. I think it would be good to develop the parents just a little bit.
Well done
well you got it right in the end, yes, he was an alcoholic xp
should i ever take the time to make this a full length short, i will definitely develop the parents. thanks for the review!
You're welcome but I just don't understand how that isn't a sad story?
erg, i really dont want to explain it >.>
take a look at the paragraph that starts with 'his medicine', it'll give away the most information
No I get that the dad wasn't a very good guy but a little kid is still losing their father. No matter what that is painful.
how about if the little kid was one of the people the dad wasnt being very good to?
Well then you could mention that
Ooh, I'm so glad this is featured!!!
you and me both stu xp
TWAS THE FIRST TO REVIEW IT!!! XD
Also, yeah, I didn't get the abusing father part until I read it twice, and then I was like "ooooh" and wrote my review. So, maybe, yeah, make that a little clearer?
LUVS DA STORY, VEERENAWAY
clarity seems to be my weak point then. not to worry, i think ill have more on the way soon xp
and hopefully theyre better >.>
Gracias, Veerenaway!
So apparently I just don't get it. Shouldn't have written why.
it would seem from your review that you completely misinterpreted the entire story. for one, it's not a sad story at all, it's quite the opposite. one thing readers must learn to do when reading any credible piece of literature is realize that every word the author uses is deliberate; everything adds on to the story in some way. if you were to pay a little more attention to what was being said, im sure you would've realized what was actually going on.
if the reviewer below could get it, I don't see why you can't. thanks for the review anyway.
You never answered my question about the title, and I don't understand how everyone can just get what you're talking about, and I completely don't understand why it's not a sad story? Please make me feel more stupid by explaining it.
the title is nothing but ironic, as it is a phrase used to show a distaste to the christmas season, while the story is about a happy(ish?) occasion.
i dont expect everyone to just get it, but i dont expect them to completely misinterpret it either.
if i were to explain the whole thing to you, it would completely defeat the purpose of me writing it to begin with. if i wanted to make the meaning obvious i wouldve done so in the story itself, but what i want is the reader to think. and quite honestly, its not that hard considering this took me not twenty minutes to think of and write.
Calm down, VeerenAway. Ssshh. I don't think Skydreamer means to be offensive, she/he just plain out doesn't get it. I understand why you want her/him to think about it, but can I tell her the basics so she/he doesn't feel bad?
sheeee will be able to figure it out on her own. she just needs to pay a bit more attention to the details.
Okay, sure. I just feel kinda bad for her. Everybody doesn't understand things sometimes.
Look Veers I'm sorry I reviewed this, personally I don't understand how somebody dying is a happy occasion but that's just me. I've done reviews not getting the work before and it's dumb but well, congrats you got real work featured!
Hello, +1 here to review for a Mini Review Day! Sorry, I'm a bit tired, so it probably won't be that good, but no matter! On to the actual content!!!!
1) Mommy asked if I wanted to see daddy on Friday, and I said no.
Daddy should be capitalized.
2) "Look who decided to stop by," he choked out as I walked in, "You're really getting big."
The comma after walked in should be a period, because you are starting a new sentence with "You're really getting big."
3) He looked so weak here, like there was no one who could help him. It was oddly familiar.
Repetitive use of the word here. You don't really need it in this sentence.
4) His medicine smelled less like the cough syrup mommy gave me when I was sick and more like the stuff his shirt was soaked with when he came home late at night. Mommy lifted his gown and looked at his stomach. It was dyed the color mommy's face would usually be the mornings after daddy came home late.
The not capitalized Mommys should all be capitalized.
Daddy died that night. We held the funeral the next day in the snow filled cemetery. No one was really crying, it was too cold. Only when he was being lowered in to the grave did I tug on mommy's shirt.
"Isn't this a bit far away from the tree?"
o_O
Omigod.
*Adds to favorites*
This ending really did it for me. It was.....PERFECT.
The whole story was written so well in a "little kid" way, and ARRRGH for once I have no words to describe what I'm feeling. Even though it could use a little proofreading, the story was so.....BWAAAAAAAGGGGH.......that I have to give it a perfect rating.
Even the title was perfect o_O.
So, correct me if I'm wrong, but was this about a young child's father being an alcoholic?
Overall rating: 10/10
BWAGAGAGAGAGGAGAGAGAGAGAAGGA KEEP WRITING YOU ARE SO DANG GOOD!!!!!
+1
yes yes, the daddy was an alcoholic, and i shall look in to those edits xp
thanks!
Oh, good, so I didn't completely misinterpret this. Your welcome! Keep writing!!