Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Dramatic

E - Everyone

Liva

by varada6467


He kept staring outside the window, towards the sunbaked branches of the huge tree that stood opposite to our one-floored rented house. It’s being more than an hour and he isn’t moving either talking to me about anything. There was something unusual in his behaviour; he had a scrunched sad face which I thought at first to be his ageing skin with wrinkles and the same unshaved beard, even his hair was uncombed, ruffled and unkempt falling across his forehead, his allover look gave me a grumpy feeling which somewhat was common to me, being his daughter. But it wasn’t that, I was disturbed and wondered what’s on his mind. It is the seventeenth year since my mother passed away giving birth to me. He brought me up and took the best care of me that he could alone, from bathing to dressing me up and combing my hair and dropping me to school on the retro bike that he held dearest to himself. He never cared about what people asked or said to him, the most common thing he was told was to remarry, but he never let that through his mind and kept reasoning that he wanted to share his love only to me. Earlier today he had been called to his workplace in the shoreline, his dearest friend and my loving Uncle Chan was his only business partner. I was about to leave for my college when dad informed me that he would be going across there, so he dropped me to my college and went by. When I returned home, he opened the door for me and went to sit near the window, where he is sitting still. I went into my room and changed into my clothes and freshened up. On my way to school, I kept thinking about Dad, and then the tiring day took that thought out of my head.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Fri Apr 26, 2019 2:34 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on your first chapter. I'll try to make this short, and help get the work out the green room.

Let's start.

So I did see a few things I wanted to talk to you about but @FabihaNeera got everything so I guess I'll talk about the good things about your chapter. Though I do want to mention one thing that you can fix, so Liva is the name of your story great choice by the way I'll talk about that later, anyway, so Liva is the title, and this is a chapter so to let your read know what chapter it is because I didn't know if this was one of two so on, because it did say anything like that. So if you are going to post the next chapter maybe make the title this, Liva chapter 2, so the reader knows what chapter number it is. It will help them a lot. But other than that everything was great.

Now onto the good things.

Now I want to talk about the name to your story. I don't quit know what it means yet, but to me it seemed to do it's job rather well. What I think I title to a book is for is to bring your readers in, to want to make them read your book, it also is supposed to kind of be what the story is about but that isn't such a big thing for now. When I saw the name to your book, I new I had to come and read it, because it was really good, and I am hooked.

I think the emotion you put into this chapter was really good. I really liked it that you kind of explained some of the MC back story, not all of it, but enough to explain why her father is so down, I also think it's something to do with his work, maybe he got fired. Only you know. I just can't wait to see what will happen next.

I do wish the chapter was longer, but that's okay. Because I still enjoyed reading and reviewing this work. I do hope you will post the next chapter soon, because I think I will be coming back to read it once it's out. Never stop writing and have an amazing day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 7386
Reviews: 118

Donate
Sun Apr 21, 2019 12:34 am
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This story is already pretty interesting with the daughter being brought up by her father when the mother died. It's a short chapter, so the plot remains a mystery for now... but I'm excited to see where this goes! I like the ideas of this chapter, but some of these sentences could use some work for the overall structure to be stronger.

-- "It’s being more than an hour and he isn’t moving either talking to me about anything." --

In this quotation, first of all, replace "isn't" with "wasn't" to keep the tenses consistent. Secondly, you can use the word "or" instead of "either" for this to make more sense.

-- "There was something unusual in his behaviour; he had a scrunched sad face which I thought at first to be his ageing skin with wrinkles and the same unshaved beard, even his hair was uncombed, ruffled and unkempt falling across his forehead, his allover look gave me a grumpy feeling which somewhat was common to me, being his daughter." --

This sentence feels too long. What you can do is put a period after "unshaved beard" and begin a new sentence with the words following it. Also, add in the word "and" after the comma following "forehead".

-- "He brought me up and took the best care of me that he could alone, from bathing to dressing me up and combing my hair and dropping me to school on the retro bike that he held dearest to himself." --

Firstly, you can reword the line "He brought me up and took the best care of me that he could alone" into "He, alone, brought me up and took the best care of me". This would both make it shorter, and sound better when reading. Secondly, add in commas when listing things! Add in a comma after the words "bathing" and "hair". Lastly, you can simply write the word "dear" instead of "dearest" near the end of this sentence.

-- "Earlier today he had been called to his workplace in the shoreline, his dearest friend and my loving Uncle Chan was his only business partner." --

Firstly, add in a comma after the word "today". Secondly, you can replace the comma after "shoreline" with a period. It would be better to just start a new sentence from there.

-- "I was about to leave for my college when dad informed me that he would be going across there, so he dropped me to my college and went by." --

Firstly, you can cut the first "my" before college at the beginning of this sentence. Secondly, you can replace the word "across" with "along". Lastly, add in the word "off" after "dropped me" and you can replace "went by" with "drove by" or "passed by".

-- "I was about to leave for my college when dad informed me that he would be going across there, so he dropped me to my college and went by. When I returned home, he opened the door for me and went to sit near the window, where he is sitting still. I went into my room and changed into my clothes and freshened up. On my way to school, I kept thinking about Dad, and then the tiring day took that thought out of my head." --

This last quote is sort of a structural error than grammatical error. So, in the first sentence, you are saying that the MC is dropped off at her college, then the second sentence talks about her returning home. The last sentence then jumps back to her on the way to her college and then immediately jumps to the day ending. This whole part is a little confusing. I would recommend moving that last sentence to come right after the first sentence. Or, if you mean to form that last sentence as a memory from the MC's day at college, then you can put in the word "had" before "kept". Also, are there no events at all that occur at college? Because from that last sentence, it immediately jumps from her going to school, to the day ending. If this was meant to be a normal day with no events happening, then maybe you could make this clear by adding in "this was just like any other day" or something like that.

Anyway, that's all from me! Sorry this is such a jumble of words in a review... I think if you consider all these errors I pointed out, it could make you more aware of errors in the next chapters. Feel free to ask me if there was anything here you didn't understand, and I will try to clarify. I really need to get better at reviewing...

Keep Writing :)





My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract