Life After Death Prelude and Chapter 1

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Life After Death

By: Nisa Adams

Prelude

At the beginning of the Mystic World, there were 5 people or rather gods and goddesses. 3 girls. 2 boys. They created 5 types of people in their world. This is where the humans would go after death. They could pick their type of being and the being would live here for 1,000 years, before disappearing and going onto the world after ,which, depending what they did in life, was heaven or hell. To get the thing that would keep each being going (that the god or goddess picked) they had to turn into a human being and they could pick what they looked like. Each thing that the god or goddess picked had to be in the mortal world and in a mortal.

The goddess by the name of Aillion made blood suckers, which is what humans call, vampires. Most choose to kill their victims when sucking the blood, but some only take small percentages. The ones that don’t drink all the blood, the Aligny, usually are weaker than the regular blood suckers or the Avigne. They all have extreme speed.

The next to choose was a god. His name was Dante. He chose to become a bone chewer, but are more often called Doieneas though. They are huge, have enhanced strength, are hard as a rock, and pale white as a bone. They have very tough skin and are fine fighters. They were never seen to humans though, because they are more cautious. As a bone sucker they can mentally take out a human's bone and they eat it. The bones of the humans grow back in seconds though, so it brings no harm to the mortals.

The following god after Dante was Rosanndo. Rosanndo thought snake men and women would be an interesting tribute to the bunch. They are sleek, smooth, fast, scaly, and green. They are breath suckers, and they take all of the air out of the victim’s lungs, killing them. Rosanns are the name that Rosanndo chose for them, after himself. They have amazing hearing and can hear things miles away.

Delleinia was the next goddess up to make the decision. She was always a depressed lady and felt that others should also have to feel her pain, and her type should be able to always feel excellent. She made the hope suckers, which suck all of the hope out of a person leaving them extremely lonely and depressed. Her people are always cheerful and hopeful from all of the hope they suck from people. They are extremely beautiful and are where the Greek myths of sirens come. They didn’t kill the men though. No after the Deenias (which Delleinia choose to call them) sucked the hope from them, the victims would curl up and will themselves to die. They had EXTRAORDINARY sight and can see miles away!

The last goddess and most evil and powerful thing to ever walk this world was Muallyona. The Muallyons are very mean, cruel, evil, and heartless. They are soul suckers. They suck an entire soul from a mortal’s body killing them. Then they destroy the soul, heartlessly. They are the only Mystic People who don’t go on after 1,000 years and stay. No one can hurt them like one Mystic can hurt the other Mystic (Yes, you can hurt other mystics, but not kill).

The gods and goddesses still live among the Mystics, yet they are very rarely seen. Humans are never allowed in Yuniancai (what this Mystics world is called). Humans do not know of any of the 7 entrances to Yuniancai, one on each continent, but the Mystics do.

Now, this is finally where our story begins!

Chapter 1- Sinking

I jump out of sleep with a start. I open my eyes to see I’m still on the couch staring at the ceiling, not back at my sister’s death scene or this time somewhere else.

My little sister Skylar had been the sweetest most innocent kid I'd ever known and she’d been killed by the cruel hands of water in the ocean. Skylar had been 12 when we’d gone to the ocean last month. It had been her birthday, where she’d wanted to go. I’d went with her, because, let’s face it, life’s cruel and the hands of death had swept in and taken away our parents five months earlier to the mercy of a stupid drunk dude in a car. Skylar had been broken into pieces and barely could take all the pain of losing mom and dad. I only cried long and hard at night when I was positive she was asleep.

My name is Ivory Stone, but everyone calls me, or called me, Ivy. I’m normal height, skinny, and have bushy brown hair that is long and tangled like gypsies. I have tanned skin and electric blue eyes. I don't really have any friends, and never have. My only friends were my younger sister and a stray neighborhood cat. Everyone else called me an anti-social freak.

I had turned 18 just 8 short days before saving me and Skylar from having to go to an orphanage, because of our parents' death. It had been horrible using up all of mom and dad's money easily in the first two months. After the third month we had to give up our nice big house and move into a tiny apartment in the ugly part of downtown. We were barely scraping by with the small amount of money I got from my two jobs--one at Arby's and the second one as a cashier at Walmart. I had to drop out of school, but I made sure I got Skylar to it when I could. I was just glad we didn't have to be adopted by total strangers as parents.

Now I was alone. All by myself, barely managing to survive. Having the same dream every night. Reliving the horror of Skylar going under the deep blue water and never ever coming back out.

Last night it had been different though! I wasn’t at her death scene. We had been on the beach in sunny Miami, Florida (where we live) and was alive. Well was close enough to alive. Something had just seemed off. She had claimed she was a spirit from a type of world or something, and she wanted me to follow her back with her in another of my dreams. She had told me it was forbidden for a living person to be there, but I just had to come.

I didn’t know whether to dismiss this as a silly dream or take it seriously, so I just brushed it off for now and walked to the bathroom to get dressed and ready for the day ahead.

______________________________________________________________________

“Ivy! Touch my hand.” She said in her voice, which now seemed to terribly sweet. I normally would have, and right away too. I guess she could see the questioning in my eyes though as she repeated the command again.

Skylar and I were by a lake this time, and I had never ever seen it before. The trees and grass seemed faded, like in an old picture. Even the water was a paler color than I would ever expect it to be. And it was creepy. Skylar still looked and talked in the same fashion she always had, but her voice was sweeter, and there was always a cold air about her, but I guess it was the whole death thing.

“Ivy, please, hold my hand one last time before I have to leave forever,” she said and I couldn’t stand it. I just had to hold her hand one last time. I reached my hand out and it got colder as it got closer to her.

I interlocked my fingers with hers and whispered “I miss you.”

Skylar looked back at me with her icy blue eyes staring into mine and her hair, the same as mine, billowing out behind her. “You don’t need to miss me anymore,” and I could almost believe her, but the dead were gone right? “Just walk to the lake and wade in it, just a teensy bit.”

I took one step, then another to it, the branches breaking under my bare feet. Eventually we got to the bank. I wasn’t so sure now as I looked into it. Even right by the shore the lake looked like it went down forever. It was so clear I would think I should have seen all the way to the bottom, but maybe there was just mud in it. A lake couldn’t go down forever, right? She was already standing in it, and it just went up to her ankles. That reassured me and I took a step in, but I sank and I sank. I was going so fast I didn’t have time to see the look on Skylar’s face, just watched as the world around me turned to a grey blur and I sunk deeper and deeper into the icy cold water.

My head eventually went under and I couldn’t breathe, but no matter how hard I struggled to swim to the surface I just kept sinking. I was panicking now, my body starting to go numb, from the cold and lack of air. The last thing I saw before I lost consciousness was crystal clear water, in a dreary lake, that seemed to go down forever.

I drifted in and out of conciousness and every time all I ever saw was darkness, complete black. I could breath to and suprisingly well too. I wondered why would I be going down this far. No lake could be this deep, and I was sinking at a pretty rapid pace. Another odd thing was there had never been any type of creatures any where in this lake. And, I later noticed that every time I had opened my eyes again, Skylar was no where to be seen, even when there was a little light. Now that I think of it, as soon as I had stepped into the water she had simply dissapeared.

The water in this lake didn't even feel like ordinary water. It was light as air and I couldn't decide if the water was black or there was absolutely no light. I didn't even know which way I was sinking anymore. Up, down, sideways, or diagonally? There was no way to tell.

As I was thinking of the water I hit something, that felt a lot like mud and it was suddenly very bright. It slowed down my sinking, but I was definetly still going down, or which ever way it was. The supposed mud looked as if it was radiating light and was perfectly clear. As I looked down though, my entire legs had been engulfed by the "mud" and I could not see anything beneath it's surface.

It eventually took my mid section and neck, but as it started to suck in my chin, my eyes were starting to feel like they were being forced shut as if I was very tired, thoguh I was wide awake seconds ago. As the "mud" reached my nose my eyes shut entirely and I faded from the dark water into uncontiousness.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Hey there Vanilla,

I'm Tanya, one of the judges for the First Chapter Contest, here for a review!

First off, I wanted to mention that this was for First chapter only. Not the prelude. I was only going to review first chapter, but I noticed your prelude could use a little help, so I will comment on it also.

At the beginning of the Mystic World, there were 5 people or rather gods and goddesses. 3 girls. 2 boys. They created 5 types of people in their world. This is where the humans would go after death. They could pick their type of being and the being would live here for 1,000 years, before disappearing and going onto the world after ,which, depending what they did in life, was heaven or hell. To get the thing that would keep each being going (that the god or goddess picked) they had to turn into a human being and they could pick what they looked like. Each thing that the god or goddess picked had to be in the mortal world and in a mortal.

First off, numbers under 100 are usually written in letters. So, 5 should be 'five' and so on.
Second. This was really really confusing my friend. You said 'type' and 'things' and other vague words throughout the whole paragraph. None of it made sense. I even tried reading it outloud, thinking maybe it was just an off day for me.

The thing with prologues/preludes is that if they end up confusing the readers more, or seem completely info-dumpy, then you really need to cut it off. As it was, I ended up skimming over. I know what I'm talking about, I've done it myself, a time or two. Every time, I realised I was better just cutting the prologue, and adding it to the story (leaking it into the story) at a much slower pace, maybe through dialogue.

Here, click this link and read my prologue while keeping in my what I just told you. You might be able to spot the errors in my chapter that I mention in yours: viewtopic.php?t=57594

The problem with info dumping this way is that your reader will never remember who everyone is and what their powers are. Personally? I skimmed over everything. Which means that throughout your story, your going to have to remind us several times whose who.

Onto chapter 1!

My little sister Skylar had been the sweetest most innocent kid I'd ever known and she’d been killed by the cruel hands of water in the ocean.
Your story's a fantasy, right? Which means that it's completely possible that Water is actually an entity that has murdered the sister. While I kept reading, I realised you meant that she drowned. So, this sentence that you chose is confusing to the reader, and I suggest you make it understood that your MC thinks the water is cruel, and not that the water has bad intentions.

My little sister Skylar had been the sweetest most innocent kid I'd ever known and she’d been killed by the cruel hands of water in the ocean. Skylar had been 12 when we’d gone to the ocean last month. It had been her birthday, where she’d wanted to go. I’d went with her, because, let’s face it, life’s cruel and the hands of death had swept in and taken away our parents five months earlier to the mercy of a stupid drunk dude in a car. Skylar had been broken into pieces and barely could take all the pain of losing mom and dad. I only cried long and hard at night when I was positive she was asleep.
This, my dear, is more info dumping. And it's not even disguised. In one short paragraph, we learn that the sister had a birthday, she died, their parents died a few months back and that the mc tries to be brave. But, really, why would I care about this? I don't know your MC, let alone her sister or the parents.

Before you bring us to something this touching, which is what this scene has the potential to be, give us the time to get to know your main character, to love and care for her, and be as hurt and shocked by Skylar's death as she is.

Another thing I'd like to mention is this: When you write in first person, it is as if you're plugging your reader into your Mc's brain. We should feel what she feels and think her thoughts. Here? Your mc feels like a robot, and not a very sympathetic one. There are no tears, as she thinks of her sister. She seems morose, but that's about it.

Even in the dream (well, I think it was a dream) when she sees Skylar and realises it seems to be more than a dream, she doesn't seem happy to see her. Yes, she tells Skylar that she misses her, but she doesn't act like it. If my sister were to suddenly die tomorrow, there would be telling how long it would take me to stop mourning. I would probably drink myself into oblivion, and would curl up in a ball and cry and sleep and rage all the time. And if I had the 'opportunity' to see her in a dream, I would be ecstatic! But....Nothing from your MC.

Even when she's sinking, she doesn't panic. She just calmly states the fact that it's dark and has no idea where she's headed, up, down or sideways. And she feels no fear? If this is true, it should be mentioned. She should wonder about this. Plus, she sinks into the mud, and it covers her breathing holes, but still no panic? Unbelievable, if you ask me.

That is basically my whole critique for this piece. You have so much potential here Vanilla, you've already faced your MC with adversity, how will she react? What will she do? What's next? Will it be worse than losing your whole family in less than a year?

But you definitely need to refine this rough piece. Go back, slowly, very slowly, and reread. Out loud if you must. Ask yourself how you would react in this situation, and whether or not this makes sense, whether it's believable.

Hope this helped, pm me if you have any questions!

Tanya

User avatar
Bhayden71297
Review

The plot caught my eye right away. :) Very well...

But what also caught my eye was the no spaces between each paragraph. That's not even very easy to read when you have 20/20 vision! Never mind me over here squinting, face smushed against computer screen, attempting to try and see what everything is saying. (My contacts are out O_o). Always put spaces...always!

And your character. You describe her in one paragraph. Spread the description throughout the story. Make it fit in, so it doesn't stick out so obvious either.

A few grammar mistakes. Read through and you'll be good I bet.

SO.....basically what the last reviewer said XD
-Brie

I like it; it sounds very interesting. The plot, I mean. Anyway, one thing that you should do to make the writing easier to read is to leave a space in between paragraphs. At least, on here you should, because it looks jumbled together. Also, just go through your writing before you post it, and look for any small grammer errors in it. I saw a few. In your story, automatically in your story, you described Ivory in just one paragraph. In writing, you shouldn't do that. Take each description in that paragraph, and scatter it through your story. It'll make it flow way better than just putting it in through the story. Anyway, keep up with the good writing, and good luck with your story! :D



See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451