October 30, 1980
I saw him exit his house. I shot my hand down to touch the cold, slick metal of the gun in my pocket. I'd been watching him for two months now. There was something I wanted, and he had it.
I watched as the man came closer to me and I silently eased the gun out of my pocket and lifted my gun to point at my victims head. It was a nearly perfect shot and the bullet would easily have enough strength to snap the few branches it had to go through to hit the victim.
I squeezed the trigger and the bullet raced through the brush and hit the victim right in the head. He twitched like a rabid animal for a few minutes then the light left his eyes.
I laughed. Finally. I carried my victim to the near by pond and thrust him deeply into the water. I watched as his body sank out of sight. I only had one more Freaker to go.
I smiled and felt no guilt at all, for all I was a spirit on Earth collecting souls, doing two things and once.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, first of all, that title is quite intense there, it definitely makes you notice this story, cause it sounds like a concept that I haven't seen too much of before. Then once we actually get into the story we've got someone that's lining themselves up to take out a man, who I'm assuming has nothing to do with the dead girl in the title...but well, it certainly gets your attention to see a maon character lining up a shot to kill someone especially when its just because this someone has something the main character seems to want. The one slight issue I'd have is how powerful of a weapon is being used here cause you don't generally find something that can go through multiple branches and still kill a human cause when a bullet hits things like that it tends to go off in random curved directions and not really straight. Its not that it won't be strong enough, its just really, really hard to get it to go straight at the target and for a assassination that looks to have been two months in the planning stage, you'd expect a bit more of a well thought out plan where there were no branches blocking them.
Okay....well the ending is properly terrifying and yet also intriguing. It looks like we're in the POV of someone that's hunting should or something along those lines and going after folks and just taking them out. This certainly was a brutally efficient kill right here, you could very clearly see that there was no hesitation and no regrets at all on the part of the person who carried out the deed. It makes for a rather powerful scene here and well it certainly works wonderfully as a start to a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello, Apple here.
Reading through this sentence, I was weighed down (not literally) by how many 'my' words there are. I mean, yes, you used only three but they sound repetitive and pull down the quality of the rest of the story. I found that I was pulled away from the prelude to stare at this for an achingly long time. And on a side note, you must place an apostrophe between victims and head. Its just showing that the word before it owns the next. Confusing, I know but my english teacher is pretty persistent.
Suggestion:
It makes a little more sense from my point of view but it is up to your as the writer to use it. If you'd like to make your own changes then don't let me stop you.
I think you mean bush here, not brush.
Ooh, this is guy is evil! Anyway, this next sentence doesn't make that much sense. I've tried throwing my older brother (he was alive, do not worry) into the pool once and hoping that he'd sink though he did not. Bodies float so without aid, your victim here wouldn't have sunk. So, I think maybe you should place in the aid of something heavy. Tie a heavy branch to his legs or even cinder blocks, just something heavy enough to make the victim sink. Unless the Freaker race is heavier then a normal human, then it doesn't matter. I could go into the back knowledge of why a human floats but I don't think you're interested.
Interesting, yes, confusing, yes. I don't understand what you're trying to get at. Are you saying that your character is a spirit that collects souls on Earth? If so then I'd suggest getting rid of for and replacing it with after. And get rid of the comma, it is not needed. No, it still doesn't make much sense. You may want to rethink this last sentence.
Now that we got all that out of the way I have another problem that needs some clearing up. Is the character of this a girl or a boy. I thought it was male but then again I could be wrong. If it is female then you have to place an indication or else your readers are going to think oppisite. You mentioned before that just because this is a prelude it doesn't matter but gender is still needed to be known or else the reader won't know whose shoes they're falling into prior to opening of the book. This character may or may not be your MC but I still think we have to know. Just drop it in somewhere.
Other then that this was very interesting. I like the sound of these Freakers, they make me go 'Ooo!'. Good luck with the rest of your chapters, you have potential and YWS will definitely make it grow. And welcome to the site also. I don't believe I've seen you around. If you have any queries just pm me or post on my wall and I'll be happy to help. You can count me in for reading more.
-Apple.
MissEssence: Thank you!
Alliaarany: You are supposed to not know anything from the prelude it is just an important part of the story when we near the end, and you will find out the rest through the book, like you do in many mystery novels.
Hi,
Personally, I think you should have played a little more into it. I started reading and was automatically confused. Who's he? What is a "Freaker"? What are you? How is this the diary of a dead girl, if it is meant to be taken literally as a diary. I thought is should since you put the date, so that's how I got that last question. Uhm, The imagery was good but some minor tweeks could make it flow a teensy bit better. Overall though it was great! :] I would love to read more :]
Farewell,
A.
I really like this and love how you used a lot of imagery. I think you have something really good going here. And I can't wait till you post the first chapter.
Thank you both for you're comments and I agree with your changes. I must say that I do make just and and mistyped many times since I don't have Word downloaded on my computer yet and will have to check it very carefully. Thank you! And please check out my other book Life After Death, that I'm writing on my own. The chapters to this book are actually noticbly short since they are supposed to be diary writings.
Howdy there!
I thought that this is a great start! I really liked the imagery used.
I do agree with BelarusBirdy's changes. It just really needs to be proof read. Don't just add them in, make sure you agree with them.
I can't wait for you to post up the first chapter.
The only thing I will say is, the layout meant that it was all bunched up, it worked okay with the Prelude because it was so short, but remember to set your writing clearly when you write your first chapter.
Well done! Great work!
I noticed a few grammatical errors, and I'll point them out here. I'll also add a few different word choices.
All that being said, I think you have a great idea and I cannot wait to read more of your story.