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the bad dream

by vampyIrishgirl


It was dark. The room was consumed by silence. The darkness had a hollow, eerie feeling to it, as the young girl sat in her room. She sat there waiting, waiting for the thing that made her hair stand on her neck stand on its ends. For the thing that haunted her dreams, to jump out at her, and attack. It had been like this for weeks. She'd be jolted awake by the petrifying monster that desired her blood. The monster that stalked her in her dreams. By the taunting echo of its laughter. The dreams started when she turned sixteen. The night of her birthday; her two, best friends threw her a party, with chocolate cake, and mint chocolate chip, mixed with cookie dough ice cream; her favorite. The party ended at 12:00, after cleaning up the mess, she started feeling weird, like her body was on fire. Then her senses were better. Her smell, sight and even touch and taste. " I'm just tired" she explained to herself, and eventually went to bed. The first couple weeks she would awaken screaming, and covered head to toes in a chilling sweat. Her parents had not been worried, there were barely home any way. So the girl was alone with a monster that wanted her dead. The night before the night mares started coming to her, she had a beautiful dream. No monster trying to kill her, no darkness that swallowed her whole, only light, and angelic creature. The creature looked human, but you could tell there was something off about him. The creature was trying to tell her something. But she couldn't hear it. It dawned on her that he was the only thing she couldn't her, they were in a garden of some kind. It was as if someone had muted him with a TV remote. Lovely, though. His light copper brown hair, his blue; green eyes that switched places without notice. The way, his shoulders where square, even when he was relaxed. The way his skin was as tan as some who was in the sun all day, every day. It shimmered with an angelic glow, whenever he stretched. When he looked at the closing of the first and last dream, she heard the quiet whisper of a voice that said "soon." When she had awakened that morning she was clam, and happy. Throughout the day, she had practically begged the time to go fast. As the girl finally rested her on her pillow, she was dead to the world in a matter of seconds. At first it was dark. So dark that if the girl had her hand an inch from her face, and breathing on it, she wouldn't be able to see her hand. The darkness still rained as she started to feel relaxed, and warm. She, then saw a door. When she opened the door she was in a dining room. That most have been made for a giant. The walls were a deep red, the table in middle was a wooden brown the contrasted with the wall. The floor was a Persian carpet, and it covered every square inch of the floor in the room. The light had been from the candles on the table. Then she was surrounded by the ghost of a forest. The trees, the bushes, and everything else in sight were either totally dead, or slowly decaying into a skeleton of what it once was. The growl came from behind. It was a deep and throaty growl. Then she whipped around to find the source of the sound, to only meet maybe the most terrifying creature ever, it was something from the depths of hell itself. Its eyes were an explosive red, long sharp spikes trailed down its spine. It stood on all fours. Drool was dripping slowly from in its razor sharp teeth, like medication in an I.V. The thing in front of her snarled at her, as if she angered it. Without warning, it tried and failed to pin her down, and maul the girl to death. She ran like the wind itself. As she ran, the panic gathered in her chest. She had to find it. She didn't have time to question what she had to find, she just ran. Branches slapped against her face as she pushed through the dry, dead trees. She saw a light, knowing somehow the light was not going to harm her, she followed it. She knew the light somehow, like it was an old friend. To finally find the edge of the haunted forest, and the beginning of a sea side cliff. The smell of the salt water from below stung her nose. The girl could hear the sound of large waves pounding against the jagged rocks at the bottom. She could now feel the hot, ragged breath of the creature, on her neck. She stepped forward closer to the edge. It growled, and she turned slowly, to face the monster. When, its claws slashed an opening in her chest. She clasped into a pile of ripped flesh and bones, wondering 'Should I jump' Her body was in pain. Her chest felt like some pour a bottle of lemon juice on a really big paper cut. She could barely breathe without wanting to let out a pleading cry of outright pain. Her breath began to flatter, as once again she looked at the killing machine, before her. 'It's going to attack again.' she thought as she gathered what little strength, she had left. The girl in excruciatingly stood, a foot from the edge. Another growl escaped the creature's lips. She knew, in that moment what was coming, but for some intangible reason she began laughing mockingly at the thing in front of her. She wasn't scared, no not at all. In fact, I think that was the moment she truly lost little of a mind she had. The creature tilted its head at her, wondering if in fact she was truly insane, and maybe she was. But, this reaction caused her to laugh harder then she had ever before. The beast growled once more, which creased he girl's foolish laughter, but left her sinfully, wicked smile, then she jumped of the cliff. The bitterly cold air, tousled her frizzy, curly hair all around. Somehow, on the way down she ended up facing the shark tooth looking rocks. When she fell, she closed her eyes not wanting to see the jagged rocks below. The air stopped rushing at her. No cold, no darkness, but only warmth and light, and the feeling of arms catching her body...


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18 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:36 am
vampyIrishgirl says...



It wont let me fix it can someone help me out please????




Omnom says...


Are you on IE? It does that a lot. If so, then change to Chrome and try it.



LadyPurple says...


^I agree. I had this problem until I switched to Chrome. IE seems to be the problem.



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:35 am
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hello, I'm kayfortnight here to review your work, but most people here just call me Kay.

Wonderful imagery from the very beginning. You cover sight and sound and touch, more than many people ever do. Keep it up!

It'd be nice if you'd edit this to put it into paragraphs and replace the errors like the question marks, which I'm guessing are typos or trouble with putting your story here from another document. It'd just improve readability a lot.

In my opinion, this piece would be improved if you went and fixed up the previously mentioned issue and expanded on it some. I'd like to know why this girl is being chased, and get a feel for here as a person.

Bye!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:31 am
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Craz wrote a review...



Crazy here, with reviews for the fire flowers!!!

Here are some nitpick errors:

"It dawned on her that he was the only thing she couldn????????t her, they were in a garden of some kind." - This sentence is kind of awkward, since it jumps from one thing to another. Also, 'hear' is spelled as 'her'.

"His light copper brown hair, his blue; green eyes that switched places without notice." - I believe that this is a fragment, and you used a semicolon instead of a coma.

"The girl in excruciatingly stood, a foot from the edge." - Did you mean the girl in excruciatingly pain stood?

" The beast growled once more, which creased he girl????????s foolish laughter, but left her sinfully, wicked smile, then she jumped of the cliff???????" - A small typo here, where it would be 'ceased' and not 'creased'.

" Somehow, on the way down she ended up facing the shark tooth looking rocks" - It would be 'teeth' and not 'tooth'.

Dude, what's with the question marks everywhere? I'm not sure if it was on purpose or if I'm seeing things, but you should glance over your work to see if there are any big errors such as that before you make it viral. Also, put your work into multiple paragraphs; I got lost multiple times trying to read your work.

Overall, its okay. The story is kind of choppy and most of it is poor, and I know you can do better because there are some great descriptions in there. Where you suddenly start talking about her birthday and the first time she got the nightmares should have been put in the beginning instead of the middle of the story, and I also noticed that you switched persons throughout your writing.

Keep working and you'll get better ;).




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:29 am
dark wrote a review...



????????
Excellent work:
What a great story! This bad dream was so enigmatic that I was instantly sucked in! Well done! Your description of the girl's surroundings and the vicious beast that pursued her was simply divine! Absolutely spot on!
Needs improvement:
Spelling: None! All of spelling is spot on! :)
Grammar:
Your grammar is a bit off, but great nonetheless
Punctuation: Perfect, except for the excessive use of the question marks! Where do those come in? They are in a completely different place than where they should be, at the end of a sentence that ask a question.
All in all, the story was really good. The amount of effort that I see within the detail of the story is perfect.
Cheers! ~Dark




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:23 am
vampyIrishgirl says...



ok it wont let me make new paragraphs




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:19 am
LadyPurple wrote a review...



Hi! I'm LadyPurple and I'm here to review you! I'm not sure if you meant for this to turn into a big block of text or have all of those question marks everywhere. I'm going to assume not. It did that to me when I used Internet Explorer. So don't worry!
"waiting for the thing that made her hair stand on her neck stand on its ends"
I think you meant "the hair" instead of "her hair".

"It dawned on her that he was the only thing she couldn't her,"
Her what? The next sentence is "they were in a garden of some kind." Did you mean 'hear' perhaps?

"his blue; green eyes"
This is an inappropriate place to have a semicolon.
A semicolon connects two complete sentences together.

"The darkness still rained"
Darkness isn't raining! I think the word you meant to use was "reigned". Rain means the weather type of rain. Reign means "rule" or "control".
I'd also like to point out how many times you use semicolons and commas at inappropriate times.

"The walls were a deep red, the table in middle was a wooden brown the contrasted with the wall."
Now would be a decent time to use a semicolon. The colon could be replaced with a semicolon because it's two full sentences that could be connected.
I find the story a tad cliché but the idea is decent. A little work and editing and I can see this story being great.
~LP




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:16 am
ShadowHunter wrote a review...



I loved this story, the imagery was perfect. I liked how most of the story took place in her dream world instead of her real life, telling about the dream, and when we were in real life, it was flashbacks, not the present that we were reading about. That is really creative and original. However, it sort-of jumped around a bit from dream, to past, to dreaming in the past, to dreaming in the present. it was hard to follow, if you could possibly make it a tad bit clearer, that would be fantastic. Also, I don't know if this was just me or if others can see it as well, but the question marks were incredibly distracting. I don't know if they were put in there by the computer program or what, but if you could get rid of them that would be so helpful. All in all, the story was amazing and I liked it.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:10 am
Jony wrote a review...



Hey, so to start this review off, I would suggest breaking up the text so its not just a giant block of text, it makes it easier to read and review.

Also, I would sugest reading over your work when you submit it because sometimes something might glich or something weird with the text might happen. There are many question marks in places where they aren't supposed to be, even in the middle of words, so get rid of those.

So, I'm not a grammer expert, I will leave that up to other reviewers but just a few quick things; you have some run-on sentences that I think you could either place some periods in or just trim down so only the essential elements of the sentence are included.

An example of this would be; "The night of her birthday; her two, best friends threw her a party, with chocolate cake, and mint chocolate chip, mixed with cookie dough ice cream; her favorite."

I would say get rid of the comma between two and best, it doesn't need to be there and add a period after party. So it would look like this; "The night of her birthday; her two best friends threw her a party. With chocolate cake, and mint chocolate chip, mixed with cookie dough ice cream; her favorite."

Also instead of describing the cake ingredient by ingredient, I would suggest maybe just saying her favorite chocolate cake and ice cream.

Other than that, from what I have read, I don't have much to say and will let some other reviewers point out some smaller things and things I most likely missed.

Have a great day, and I hope to read and review some more by you. :D




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:08 am
Ego wrote a review...



Right off the bat; Formatting. New paragraphs, please. A chunk of text is nigh impossible to read. Seems like some of your characters are being replaced by multiple question marks, too.

I love your variations in sentence structure. Mix up long and short, complex and simple. I like it.

However, your storytelling is a bit simplistic. Too much tell, not enough show. Describe things as they're happening, using the five senses. Also, tell things in real time - tell about the party and about her friends and such things that bring out the life of your story. Make your characters organic beings, not cardboard cutouts.

Seriously, the formatting. I only made it a few sentences down before I quit reading. Reply to this if you fix your formatting and Ill review it properly.

-D





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