Young Writers Society

Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review your new story using my Familiar method! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Albeit short, what a cute moment between a proxy and a human! With the dynamic of being a tool for the Puppeteer on a normal basis, yet doing normal things with a normal girl now, it's like this moment was plucked out of a broader romantic -but also somewhat tragic- poem. Perfect for a Valentine's Day treat! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I have no corrections or recommendations to make! I could imagine some cute dialogue from Zachary, about the sleeping Rosemary, but I will leave that to my imagination and not nitpick; this piece has all the essentials it needs to stand out and speak for itself as it is.

Why The Grin Widened...

My favorite moment from this piece is simple enough. That ending!

But in that moment, he could pretend that there was nothing wrong, that they were a predictable, boring couple from the predictable, boring movies.

This was just the perfect summary of the moment, like the cherry on top of it all. How even someone like Zachary can latch on to a tradition to have a night of normalcy, and even those "boring" moments can be some of the best -especially for these cursed souls. That's how I interpreted it, but so cute either way ~

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this was a wonderful little piece to go with the February holiday theme, and the Creepypasta theme made it all the more exciting to me. Nicely done!

Hello, Vampricone! Come to give a quick review for your short story


As the Ballad Begins (first impressions)

A piece set on a cute film date on Valentine's day (which it is as i write this haha) where Zachary, a proxy to the Puppeteer, lies on the sofa with his girlfriend Rosemary sleeping next to him. It seems harmless, but due to his ties to such a dangerous person/ creature, a lot is at stake.

Little Ale Spills (what you could improve on)
It wasn't long enough! I really want to read more from these two, they seem like a really nice couple that defy the odds of expectation. In all seriousness, I think that you could maybe clarify a tad more who you're talking about in the first paragraph concerning the Puppeteer- I was getting a bit confused about who loved who etc.

Enthralling Performance (best bits and lines!)

But in that moment, he could pretend that there was nothing wrong, that they were a predictable, boring couple from the predictable, boring movies.

A great image considering the sinister origins of Zachary- there's a level of escapism, like he wants to literally become the couple from the movie they're watching

...how Zachary’s home was full of nothing but despair and agony

ahhhhh i love the imagery! He's fighting, unlike Emra, against the urge to kill at the Puppeteer's whim, but it only brings pain, and he's trying his hardest to hide it from the one he loves.

Bardic Inspiration (a few parting notes)
Amazing little snippet of writing, and at great timing for Valentine's Day (i think Valoween is what I'm calling it from here onwards though) would love to read more about these two in the future!

Best wishes,
-humblebard