z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

The tragedy of Natalie

by vampricone6783


*This is the origin of a character of mine. This story will be underneath my folder titled “The father”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

Introduction

OCTOBER 31ST

Natalie and Daddy were both watching a Halloween cartoon together. She had already gone Trick-or-Treating with Mommy. After getting back, she got to watch Halloween cartoons with Daddy.

A commercial came on, showing a white mansion covered in blood, bloodied screaming and screeching, demanding to be noticed.

Natalie covered her eyes. Why did they have to show such awful things?

“It’s not real, Lia. It’s just a Halloween attraction for grownups.” Daddy said, using his special nickname for her.

Still, Natalie covered her eyes. She would not, under any circumstances, look at the screen.

The volume was lowered down. Daddy wrapped an arm around her.

Everything would be okay.

Chapter One

SEPTEMBER 1ST-2018

Natalie shot up from bed, electrocuted excitement in her veins.

It was her eleventh birthday! It wouldn’t be much of a party, because she only had one friend, but it would still be fun!

There wasn’t a single second to waste!

Chapter Two

Natalie ran down the stairs, the scent of fried eggs in the air. Mom must have made breakfast.

It was quiet except for her footsteps. Perhaps her parents were already in the car?

Chapter Three

After eating a breakfast of eggs, drinking water, brushing her teeth, and getting ready, she went outside, to where the car waited.

As it turned out, her parents were waiting for her and Dad was driving!

He turned to face Natalie and said with a smile:

“We’re going to the movies.”

“Yes!” Natalie said triumphantly, pumping her fist in the air.

The movies were the best place to be!

Chapter Four

After a while, Natalie could see the “LILAC MOVIE THEATER” building from her car window. She noticed the blue van Anika’s family drove in right at the corner of her eye.

The celebration was about to start.

Chapter Five

“Anika!” Natalie said excitedly once she got out of the car.

Anika smiled at her, sharing Natalie’s joy.

They ran up to each other, the elation of reunited friends flowing through both of them.

Chapter Six

After waiting for what seemed like a million years in a line, the girls had made it to their section in the movie theater, which was playing a chick flick movie.

Natalie and Anika laughed, but one of the greatest joys was that Dad took them. He hated chick flick movies, but he knew that Natalie loved them.

It meant a lot to her.

Chapter Seven

SEPTEMBER 1ST-2019

Natalie woke up to the sunlight streaming in her window, just like last year.

Except that morning felt…different. Somber, even.

Perhaps it was only in Natalie’s imagination.

Chapter Eight

IN THE CAR

Just like last time, Dad was taking Natalie to the movies.

The only difference was that Anika wasn’t around.

Maybe that’s it. Natalie thought.

Deep down, she thought that it wasn’t.

Chapter Nine

“We have to make it to the movies on time. We’ve got to make it.” Dad said.

They were stuck in the haze of traffic, cars beeping and honking angrily around them, demanding to be noticed.

“It’s okay, honey. We’ll get there.” Mom said soothingly, placing a hand on Dad’s arm.

“Yes, but will we get there on time? We have to do this for Lia!“ Dad argued.

We’ll make it either way. Natalie thought.

Chapter Ten

“MOVE!” Dad yelled, honking his horn. Natalie covered her ears. Why did he have to be so loud?

“Don’t yell like that, we have a child in the car.” Mom said.

“But there’s traffic! There can’t be traffic on-“

“Dad, it’s okay. It’s just traffic. We’re still going to make it.” Natalie said.

Couldn’t things just be calm? He didn’t need to yell.

Dad took a deep breath, collecting himself.

“If you’re not mad, I won’t be mad. We’re going to make it.” Dad said softly.

Chapter Eleven

The cars were starting to move, giving the family more room. Natalie thought back to being at the movies with Anika, laughing with abandon, free to be with her friend.

Would it be the same without her?

Chapter Twelve

“We’re on the road! Finally!” Dad said.

Natalie could feel the car accelerating. The other cars had cleared out, leaving them more room.

“Not too fast.” Mom warned.

Natalie’s stomach felt like it was sinking within her intestines.

Chapter Thirteen

The car was speeding up, going fast. Accelerating with every second.

It was going too fast.

Chapter Fourteen

“LOOK OUT!” Natalie cried. A hefty truck was so getting so close, so terribly close.

Dad didn’t look, Dad didn’t stop.

It all happened so fast.

Chapter Fifteen

The truck crashed into the front window of the car. The back of Mom’s backseat pushed into Natalie’s face.

She felt her own jaw being crushed, thought that her own eyes were being smushed. She tasted blood in her mouth.

Natalie couldn’t even scream.

Chapter Sixteen

Sirens were heard in the muddle of the car parts. Natalie felt herself being pulled away, into something soft and white.

It was narrow, too. Just like a hospital bed.

Chapter Seventeen

Where am I? What is going on?

Don’t be afraid, little girl. I’m going to protect you. I’ll always protect you.

Who are you? Where are my parents?

They’re gone, but I’m here.

Who are you?

The Father, of course.

Chapter Eighteen

Natalie opened her eyes. Her body felt so weak, so lost. She was in a darkened hospital room, strapped to machines, covered in bandages and bonds.

Somehow, in a room where the only lights came from machines, she saw a tall, black shadow in the corner of the room, darker than any lightless room Natalie was in.

Even darker than the movie theater.

Chapter Nineteen

“I am not to fear. I am only The Father.” A deep, yet somehow mellifluous voice said. It came from the shadow hiding away.

“You’re the one who was speaking to me?” Natalie asked.

“Yes.”

“You’re the one I can trust?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll tell you my name. I’m Natalie.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Lia.”

Natalie froze. He called her Lia, just like Dad…

No. He only wants to help.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Natalie said, trying to muster a smile.

Chapter Twenty

A FEW HOURS LATER

Natalie recalled hearing Anika’s voice in the hospital, but she didn’t remember seeing her face. It was blurry and off-focus.

But she could see The Father clearly. He was a pale, red-eyed man with horns that twisted and rose at the top of his head.

He was the one thing Natalie could actually see.

Epilogue

It had been days since the accident. Mom and Natalie had survived, but Dad…he was gone. Lost to the rubble.

Natalie’s face had grown pale and gaunt, she had black, leathery eye bags pulling down her eyes. She lost a pinky.

But when the light turns off, she’s not alone.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 212
Reviews: 2

Donate
Fri Mar 01, 2024 1:33 pm
View Likes
ninah2 wrote a review...



The story is unique but it has a few grammar errors here and there especially in the sentence structure. I feel like it would be better if you said 'eating eggs for breakfast instead of a breakfast of eggs. It would also be better to say her dad instead of daddy because saying daddy makes it seem like there is a narrator who is Natalie's sibling and he/she is watching Natalie and the father. It would also sound better if you put together your first paragraph instead of separating the idea because it sounds like it has too much repetition. Instead say '...cartoon together after she got back from trick or treating with...' The events of your story also feel somehow rushed making the story seem uninteresting despite how good it is. It would be better to get rid of the chapters unless you plan on making the chapters longer and to also add description to your story. Tell the reader how the narrator feels, what the narrator sees in detail, what the narrator smells and hears, this would help the reader feel the effectiveness of the message you are trying to potray. All in all your story is good and also quite unique.




User avatar
151 Reviews

Points: 39462
Reviews: 151

Donate
Sun Feb 25, 2024 9:35 pm
View Likes
PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello there, friend!
Is that another origin story I smell?? Well, I'm going to check it out and leave a fun-filled Cheshire-Cat-style review!

Image

“The proper order of things is often a mystery to me.” - My Interpretation

I always enjoy your origin stories!! You give your characters such interesting and intricate backgrounds that I can't seem to get enough of!

Brief Summary: Natalie goes to the movies on her birthday—one year with her friend, Anika, and her family, the next with just her family. The trip with just her family, however, ends in disaster. Natalie's dad is driving, and something seems to be wrong with him because he speeds into a truck. The next thing Natalie knows, she's in a hospital being greeted by an entity that calls itself "The Father." Oddly enough, Natalie's actual dad has passed.

A fascinating plot for a fascinating origin story!


“Every adventure requires a first step.” - Some Advice

I didn't notice any grammatical issues, nor did I notice any plot issues!! You did a great job with this, but there was one part where you typed the wrong word. This is in chapter three, when Natalie was going through her routine. You said,

After eating a breakfast of eggs, drinking water, brushing her teeth, and getting ready, she went outside, to where the cat waited.


But I believe this should look more like this:

After eating a breakfast of eggs, drinking water, brushing her teeth, and getting ready, she went outside, to where the car waited.


But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


“A rose is still a rose, even hidden under different petals.” - My Favorites

I really enjoyed this entire experience! This was an incredibly well-rounded piece—fast-paced, interesting plot, and well-written characters! So, I picked out one thing that stood out to me, and that's what I'm going to further elaborate on!

The thing in this story that really seemed to catch my eye made its appearance in the epilogue! This is when everything in the story came together and began to make sense, and I genuinely thought this was an insanely well-worded ending to the story. You said,

It was days since the accident. Mom and Natalie had survived, but Dad…he was gone. Lost to the rubble.

Natalie’s face had grown pale and gaunt, she had black, leathery eye bags pulling down her eyes. She lost a pinky.

But when the light turns off, she’s not alone.


This was a stellar ending! It wrapped the story up wonderfully and left enticing questions that make you desperately want to read the original story! I love how this hinted at the role Father plays in the story and how it kind of ends with an eerie remark! This was amazingly done, so kudos to you for that!


“Collect what you can. Use it wisely.” - Overall Thoughts

I had a lot of fun reading this, as I do all of your origin stories that I stumble upon! You did a great job writing this one and capturing all of the ideas necessary to make this an interesting read! I had fun, and I look forward to more!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!





Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers