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Young Writers Society

12+ Violence Mature Content

The story of Jacqueline

by vampricone6783

*This is the origin story of a character from my story “31 horrific Halloween tales”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*


Jacqueline never liked snitches. They annoyed her to the core.

Why couldn’t they be silent?


Chapter One

Jacqueline stared out her window. Sometimes, she wished that she had friends. Sometimes, she was lonely.

Then she would remember that people didn’t know how to keep their mouths shut. They would tell everyone her secrets. They would tell everyone that she-

No. She shouldn’t think about it.

Calm thoughts.

Happy thoughts.

Chapter Two

She turned around to face her backpack, which still lay on her bed.

Jacqueline couldn’t sit in her room all day. She had to go to school. She had lessons to attend to.

She had work to do.

Chapter Three

Jacqueline clutched her backpack, running to the school entrance, which loomed in front of her, like a prison.

Another day.

Another miserable day at school.

Chapter Four

Jacqueline walked inside, ignoring everyone. Everyone who had a friend, someone to be with-


Chapter Five

It was him. The boy with black hair, blue eyes, the bright smile..

He was her boyfriend.

The one who loved and cared for her-

“Jacqueline! Hello? Answer me!”

Chapter Six

Jacqueline snapped herself out of her daydreaming. It was no use being lost in her tho-

“Come on. We have to go to class.”

Jacqueline took the outstretched hand of Carlson, her boyfriend.

Time to go to class.

Chapter Seven

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing much.”

“Come on, Jack. I know you’re hiding so-“

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? It’s funny.”

“I hate it. Don’t do it.”

“Fine, okay, whatever, Jack.”

“I’m serious!”

Jacqueline lightly punched his arm. Carlson sighed in annoyance.

Why should he be annoyed? She just didn’t like that nickname. That was all.

Chapter Eight

Jacqueline sat in her desk, watching the teacher go on and on…

“I heard that Jacqueline believes in demons.”

“What a freak.”

“I know, right? She’s such a weirdo.”

“It’s a wonder Carlson even likes her.”

“I think that he’s doing it so she doesn’t feel bad.”

“He doesn’t need to be so generous.”

“But he is. Such a sweetheart.”

Chapter Nine

So they all thought that she was a freak. A weirdo. Someone to avoid.

Well then, that was fine. She could just stay with Carlson. She didn’t need friends, or anyone, or-

“Are you okay?”

Chapter Ten

Jacqueline looked up.

Standing in front of her was a boy with gray hair that had a red streak. He wore a dark shirt and had a gray sweater tied in front of his white corduroy pants. His high top gray sneakers were stained with murky mud.

Next to the boy was a girl with curly blond hair, bright blue streaks gliding through the golden locks. There were freckles sparkling on her face. She had glimmering green eyes. Her hair was held by a headband with held a hot pink bow. Her shirt was a shade lighter than her streaks, which screamed vividness. Her shorts were a bubblegum pink. Her leg high socks had white and pink stripes, and her shoes were white with pink bows. Her gloves were purple and pink fishnets.

They were dressed very differently, yet judging with how they stood next to one another, they were good friends.

Jacqueline could tell who were friends and who weren’t.

“You seemed troubled.” The boy said.

Jacqueline sighed. What use was it to ignore them?

“I’m fine, I guess. Why do you care?”

“Let’s just say that I’m a nice person.”

The boy stuck out his hand for her to shake.

“I’m Jason and this is Millie. You are?”

Jacqueline stared at the hand for a long while, assessing her choices. No one seemed to care about her until now. How was she to know that they were genuine?

Then again, she never had any real friends, except for Carlson, who became her boyfriend.

Why not shake his hand?

“I’m Jacqueline.” She introduced, shaking his hand.

Chapter Eleven

“So what do you like to do?” Jason asked.

Why was he staring at her so intently? Couldn’t he just leave her alone? It was as if he were searing his eyes into her soul.

Or maybe he just wanted to talk. Maybe he cared about her.

“I…I like the paranormal.”



Chapter Twelve

“Yes. I do.”

“Why is that?”

“I’m not sure. I just feel connected to it.”

Chapter Thirteen

“Interesting. Want to hang out at my house later?”

“Sure, why not?”

Chapter Fourteen

Jacqueline couldn’t believe it! People other than her boyfriend wanted to be with her!

And it looked like they wouldn’t spill the secret that she liked ghosts. Maybe she could tell them the other th-

No. One thing at a time.

Chapter Fifteen

Jacqueline looked out the window of her room, waiting for them to appear. She told them that they shouldn’t bother coming from the front door, that they should sneak into her backyard, so that her parents wouldn’t see them.

The last time something like this ha-

No. Not now.

It was too late, for the memories were starting to creep again…

Chapter Sixteen

There had been so much screaming. So much sorrow. So much lies.

She had loved Carlson so much…

Chapter Seventeen

That night in the orphanage..

She had promised him love.

How foolish of her!

Chapter Eighteen

It was the two of them in that old orphanage. Just them and only them. They had loved each other so dearly.

So much that Carlson vowed to never let her go.


Chapter Nineteen

She remembered how the ones who ran their orphanage stitched shut the lips of her and the other teens. How they then ground them up to a powder, as if they were nothing.

As if they were food.

And then she woke up, a mere ghost.

A lost shadow of herself.

Chapter Twenty

A car pulled up on her driveway. Jason and Millie emerged from it.

They were here.

They had arrived.


Jacqueline liked having her new friends. They were sweet. They cared about her.

But Millie seemed to be eyeing Carlson too closely…

Is this a review?



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85 Reviews

Points: 10535
Reviews: 85

Mon Mar 13, 2023 8:23 pm
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Rinisha wrote a review...

I'm thrilled to leave you a review.

First of all if there is something you could add its "the pace of the story". Because it really takes a while before the reader gets to the interesting part where Jacqueline meets Jason and Millie.

A second thing that you could do is maybe flesh out the characters of Carlson, Jason and Millie more. While Jacqueline's character is so well-developed, the others aren't that much developed. They are a bit flat and have very little complexity. Adding more character development can help the readers connect with the characters making them feel and care about what happens next.

Third; maybe you could make the dialogues a bit less unrealistic, because it makes it a little difficult to read for the readers to connect with the characters. Try and make them a bit more natural.

fourth; You could add a little more tension and conflict to the story. There is very little tension in the story making it a bit difficult to keep readers engaged. Adding more conflicts and tension can help provide that.

fifth: Maybe you could widen the plot a bit more. Because the story has no clear direction of where it's going. Readers need to know what the story is about and what is driving the characters.

Overall: I like the the story very much and the name also. It's a very bold and confidant name for your character. I love that your writing about something else than just a regular high school girl. I love were this story is going, keep up the good work! :-)

If you could read & revview my story: 'MaryAnna' (it's posted on my blog) too.
It would be amazing! I hope too read more of your stories!

PS: Like the name (vampricone) very creative!

- Rinisha

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Points: 83
Reviews: 2

Wed Mar 08, 2023 5:40 am
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WARDEN wrote a review...

Hi there! Incoming review ^-^

For starters, you certainly have mastered the art of hooking your reader. I couldn't have stopped scrolling even if I wanted to. Even though it was short, it got across what it needed to get across for the most part. I would add a bit more flesh to it in the middle, since it did feel hard to follow right about then. Your usage of dialogue and internalized thinking was incredible. Succinct, to the point, and drove home the idea.

As far as criticism, I would flesh some parts out more the tiniest bit, just so it's a bit clearer what's happening. Maybe you intended the reader to be confused? Left out information on purpose? I don't know. Either way, nice job.


I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
— Solomon Short