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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

Samantha Davidson, you cared so deeply

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

*This is the origin of a character from my “The doll” stories. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

In the 1860s, there was the Davidson family. Samantha Davidson, Anthony Davidson, and their eight year old daughter, Molly Davidson.

They were having a sweet afternoon to themselves. Anthony played the piano for Samantha, a smooth, tranquil melody. Samantha could hear Molly upstairs, eagerly playing with her dolls, as if they were all grand friends.

There was a knock at the front door, loud and clear.

“I’ll get it!” Anthony said with a smile, pushing back the seat.

Samantha twirled her blond hair, watching him walk up to the door. It might have been just a visitor, but still, it could have been a stranger.

She never liked it when people knocked, it filled her with a strange horror. Samantha preferred when loved ones said what days they were going to visit at celebrations, so Samantha would know in advance. She made it clear that everyone had to do this.

But she didn’t know who was knocking on the front door.

"Rhian! It's good to see you, brother! You don't come up here often." Anthony said, opening the door wide.

Rhian walked into the house, with a queer glaze upon his hands. In one of his hands, he held a rusted ax.

Why did he have an ax?

"Rhian?" Anthony asked. They hadn’t seen him in years, Anthony missed him deeply. He would have had Rhian stay and explain himself, believing that there was good in him.

But Samantha knew better.

“Get out of this house, now! Or I’ll kill you, Rhian. I’ll kill you.” Samantha seethed.

She wasn’t joking. She would throw a glass vase at him and use the shards to slash his throat.

Rhian had the eyes of a murderer, a monster. Why else would he have the ax and just come unannounced to their home?

“Samantha, what are you-“

Rhian cut Anthony off mid sentence, slicing his head off with the ax blade.

His head rolled to Samantha, eyes filled with shock and betrayal.

Samantha turned around to grab the glass vase on the piano. There was no way she would let Rhian walk out the door alive, not after he killed his own brother, chopping Anthony’s head off as if he were nothing.

She held the vase in her hands, staring at Rhian coldly. He was walking up to her, still holding the ax, as if it were his prized possession.

They were eye to eye, facing each other down. Samantha raised the vase, the flowers falling to the ground. Rhian raised the ax.

He sliced her chest, blood seeping down as a vile, hellish waterfall. Samantha dropped the vase, the glass shards breaking into a million pieces.

She staggered backwards, to the piano, and slipped on…on…on Anthony’s head.

Samantha screamed as she fell into the piano, the lid closing shut on her.

The last thing that came upon her mind was:

Would Molly run?


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116 Reviews


Points: 15247
Reviews: 116

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Fri Sep 01, 2023 1:54 pm
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hi, I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This was a short but also interesting backstory. One day, Samantha's brother comes unannounced into her house and kills her brother. She tries to get revenge, but instead she gets killed instead.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements

Samantha screamed as she fell into the piano, the lid closing shut on her.

I was a little confused in this scene because how exactly did she land right under the lid? She would have had to have fallen at a very specific and awkward angle. And if that did happen, maybe you could describe how exactly that happened. I was just a little confused at that part.
Another thing - I think the part where Rhian sliced off Anthony's head was a little rushed. It happened so fast, like he walked in, and then immediately cut his head off. What did Samantha feel while it was happening? What did it look like? Was there a lot of blood? A little more description on that part might make it a little clearer.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
As always, you do a great job of describing the characters' thoughts, and especially Samantha's was vivid in this story. And the description of the scene and mood at the start was also good, along with Samantha's feelings when Rhian entered the house, and when she decided to take revenge for her brother. Great job!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, this is another interesting story! I hope you will make a second part of this, because I really want to know what happens to Molly! Anyway, good luck in RevMo if you are participating!
Happy Writing!




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1487 Reviews


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Sat Aug 26, 2023 9:29 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey vampricone! Happy Saturday! Just dropping by for a quick review this evening :)

In the 1860s, there was the Davidson family. Samantha Davidson, Anthony Davidson, and their eight year old daughter, Molly Davidson.

I like this as an opening and how it sets the scene for the story. This might be a good time to tell us a bit about the relationships between them or a sentence or two of background before we jump into the specific events of the story.

Samantha twirled her blond hair, watching him walk up to the door. It might have been just a visitor, but still, it could have been a stranger.

I found this second sentence a bit odd - I don't think visitors and strangers are necessarily mutually exclusive. I would perhaps take this sentence out and move straight into the next paragraph.

Why did he have an ax?

"Rhian?" Anthony asked. They hadn’t seen him in years, Anthony missed him deeply. He would have had Rhian stay and explain himself, believing that there was good in him.

We go very quickly from Anthony being happy to see his brother to Samantha being very much not ok with seeing him. I found this a bit jarring, and I think the pace needs to be slowed here to explain what's going on. Either that, or we need more explanation of the family and brother situation upfront so that when he arrives we know what to feel.

That's true of the rest of the piece actually! I'm not super clear on what went down so I think the pacing might need slowing with a bit more explanation. The tension and action is there, but I'm missing a bit of the understanding I think!

Looking forward to reading more of your works :)

Icy





You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan