Hello, My Friend!
It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review your new short story using my Familiar method today! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…
What The Black Eyes See...
Ooooo, Priscilla's origin story revealed so many new details about this existing story, and a whole new perspective on what's transpired! Let's get into the details though.
Where The Dagger Points...
Not much to put here! I really enjoyed reading this story again from Priscilla's perspective, getting a feeling for where she and Rush were able to connect as siblings, and the points of conflict between them. I do feel like some strong descriptions could have really helped Priscilla's side of the story pop, like how she remembers every inch of her room due to her reclusive nature; the crack in the wall, how it grew with each season. How the old wood floor expanded in the humid summer, as well as the exact pattern of frost that would form on the old window pane in winter, alongside the scent of damp woods and moss that would give way to a light pine scent amid a nose-numbing chill. I mean this is just off the top of my head of course so it's not great lol, but I feel like it would not only add a nice core setting, but it would amplify that feeling of isolation.
They told her that they were looked down upon, that the union of different monsters was seen as “wrong” as an evil that deserved to whither away.
I think there may have been a little typo toward the end, replacing "wither" with "whither."
Years went by as their spent their lives hiding in an abandoned house on Earth,
Another very minor typo, I think you meant "they spent their lives" where it says "their spent their lives."
Now of course, this is all just my opinion, and I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. This story was awesome regardless!
Why The Grin Widened...
Re-reading the tragedy of Rush and Priscilla's parents' deaths from her perspective was really cool, and I feel like it gave us more insight into the emotions and the deep marks it left. Rush was so focused on protecting Priscilla -something that also hit hard in the story- that some of the details went unnoticed until brought up here. Likewise, we learned some interesting new tidbits about Night Creatures...
Night Creatures weren’t just vampire and demon hybrids, they could be a hybrid of anything. They could do anything…
If they set their minds to it.
Oooo, I wonder what other kinds of hybrids there could be, though I doubt we'll see much unless you decide to continue expanding on this universe (no pressure but that would be cool!). Either way, this was a really cool detail, and I feel like it explains a lot of the prejudice against hybrids! A fear of their power and the risk of it being weaponized, perhaps, drives this hatred of them...
All at once, it was like Rush forgot about their parents. Years went by as [they] spent their lives hiding in an abandoned house on Earth, Rush coming out to see Elestia, Priscilla only coming out for the food at the local diner, snatching away humans’ plates when they weren’t looking.
I enjoyed reading this, and that whole second section honestly. As sad as it was, it told us more about how Priscilla lived her childhood on Earth, and how she perceived Rush to be living. Whereas Rush saw it as a tragic waste for her to be staying in her room all day, miserable about what happened, Priscilla takes it as him "forgetting" and just wanting to see his crush. Seeing the stark contrast between their lifestyles, and reading their perspectives, you can really get a feeling for where the disconnect and misunderstandings between them are.
Why wouldn’t Rush understand? Why wouldn’t he learn that they only had each other, that the world was full of creatures that wanted to snuff the light out of anything with optimism?
Oh, the conflict over this perspective! Technically, Priscilla is right about Elestia; she is a wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting to snap due to the hatred of their hybrid nature. However, it's also easy to believe the idea that every human is like this, and using the risk of being caught/attacked as justification to never even try to reach out or live a normal life, is also wrong. Even if she is right, though...
Yet still, she didn’t feel triumphant about being right. In fact, it brought her heart and soul great despair to see her older brother reduced to tears, to see him bleed.
No matter how tragic or hard life has been thus far, or how "right" she is about this situation, at least her priorities are straight. Her brother -his health and happiness- are the most important things to her.
In that moment, Priscilla realized that he wasn’t forgetting their parents. Far from it. He only wanted to focus on the positives, to find the light in the dark.
Yes!! Ah, that was a satisfying moment to read!
“No. You were in love. You didn’t know any better. You see the good in everyone, Rush. That’s your problem. I assume that the world is a place of only darkness. That’s my problem. Perhaps there is a happy ending for us, we just need to keep trying.”
I also love the way she said this here; like finally, she comes to realize that they're opposite ends of the same problem. Rush, too open and so positive that he'll see good where it isn't, Priscilla, too defensive and untrusting that she won't see any good where it does exist.
She simply held him tighter and made sure to cherish the moment deep in her heart, because who knew what more the world would do to them for being alive?
Ah, such a bittersweet ending, love this!
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Overall, that was an amazing origin story, nicely done!
Points: 84229
Reviews: 407
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