*This story is underneath my folder titled “Marcia and Rush”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
There was once a fourteen year old girl named Luna Rosa, who loved to spend her time watching paranormal shows, whether they be funny, romantic, scary, or all, she would watch any show that featured creatures of any kind. Not only that, but Luna Rosa loved to draw monsters as well.
There was a sort of magic to supernatural beings, as though they were saying that anybody could rise out of the grime and become stronger, more capable than what they once were. Whether they became vampires, demons, or ghosts, they always persevered, with sharpened teeth, claws, or the power to bend reality at their will, ready to show those who dared to defy them who was really the one with the power.
At least, that was how Luna Rosa saw all manner of supernatural beings. She loved them so much that she told her parents and her older sixteen year old sister, Marcia, all about the paranormal shows that she watched, hoping that they would be just as interested as her.
Luna Rosa was under the impression that her parents pretended to care, but that Marcia absolutely hated everything that she said. She seemed to get annoyed and irritated whenever Luna Rosa talked about anything paranormal, about the possibility that anything paranormal existed, that she shut Luna Rosa down whenever she mentioned anything spooky.
But wouldn’t life be more fun if the supernatural existed? Wouldn’t life have more meaning? Why couldn’t Marcia just open her heart out more?
It was Luna Rosa who fantasized about having a supernatural adventure like the human girls in the beloved shows she watched and yet, it was Marcia who got it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello @creeperfeverdreams Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.
Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..
What I can see
Well this was a very interesting prologue! I really liked how you set up that twist in the end, I was certainly not expecting that ending. As I read that Marcia was always irritated with her sister I expected it to go along the lines of Luna Rose of becoming a supernatural creature and exacting revenge but Marcia having an encounter was really not what I expected.
Seems like Marcia doesn't like anything spooky because she's had some sort of encounter with a supernatural and she feels unsettled by her sister's fascination with the supernatural, perhaps this story will end with Luna Rose learning a lesson. Either way this was a lovely set up!
Under the magnifying glass
There are no mistakes….. O.O
This is very strange and needs investigation immediately, the Book of Toramu calls, find within the perfect novels the clues. Piece together the tales, find where the ship sails.... what was the rest of it....?I can find nothing to critique, Great Job!!
Closing the case
Overall this was a lovely little story and I'm looking forward to finding out Marcia's backstory!
It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.
If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my
alias, ahem, my dear friend @canopy. She also asked me to wish you a "Happy Review Day!" - I am assuming you know what that means.Until next time!!
—C. Auguste Dupin, “The Leg Bandit,” by Edgar Allan Poe
Well, Marcia just finds Luna Rosa%u2019s interests to be odd.
But she%u2019ll learn%u2026
Glad you enjoyed!
Hello again!
Flowers - striking details in the work that made me smile
I feel like you wrote this line from the heart! <3 Love this extra depth
Agh such a great way to end this passage and set the scene for what's next!
Record Scratch - areas that lacked clarity or disrupted the flow
I'm curious why you're using "under the impression" and "she seemed" when Marcia's abhorrence of all things supernatural appears incontestable. A stronger statement, in my opinion, would be something like this:
Luna Rosa was under the impression that her parents pretended to care, but Marcia, meanwhile, made no attempt to conceal her disgust.
Now, you may have a very good reason for writing it as you did, and if that's the case, please disregard! The last line where it says "it was Marcia who got it" is hinting at something Luna Rosa is oblivious to.
I'd remove that word!
Sunshine - overall positive takeaways and words of encouragement
The contrast between these two sisters is delightful. I'm sure other stories explore Marcia much more, so it's nice that we got to see things from Luna Rosa's perspective a bit, too. The frustrations they have with each other is believable and fun.
Poor Marcia - she didn't sign up for whatever's coming for her!
Nicely done here!
Wolfi
Very glad you enjoyed and yes, Marcia is the main character in the story.