Lucas’s origin story-The one behind it all.

I haven't read anything else of yours and I've seen that this character is in your other works but I will just review this as a stand alone piece.

Okay, there's a lot going on here but the tone is very off. Who is the narrator/voice? It feels like it is Lucas' in some parts which I think needs to be strengthened. I understand that this character is pretty emotionless and psychotic with the way he just goes around murdering people, but you could really play with that and make it more horrifying. This just sort of reads like 'he killed this person, then this person, then this person.' Also, why couldn't he kill the girlfriend? He clearly has no problem killing women if he killed his wife?

And how did he get his money? You say he was poor then got money but then don't really explain how? I'm guessing it was his scientific discovery but that wasn't really expanded on. He just then went around killing people instead.

Also, is there a reason he wanted the girls to be skeleton vampires? Seems like a very specific thing to turn them into... and not really fitting with the circus theme.

All in all, I'm very confused XD

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKay..so there were a few things I wanted to see on the part of Lucas and I think we actually did get to see most of those things answered in this piece here and I think it made for a pretty satisfying read here. I really did enjoy seeing all of these different perspectives on the same murder spree situation.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time,there was a man named Lucas.He had a wife named Isabella and a son named William.He had all the wealth in the world.

You’d think he’d be content with what he had,right?

Nope,not at all!

You see,he wasn’t always rich.In fact,he was quite the opposite.He was very poor and had no money at all!

Okay...well, here begins the story of our very own murderous Lucas, well let's see where he began and the reasoning behind the stuff that he pulled that day. This should be very interesting to see from his point of view. So far, we have ourselves a pretty neat start, just sort of establishing where he came from.

He worked hard to get to where he was Today and he didn’t want anything to mess that up.

So,Lucas continued to work,ignoring his family,thinking only about the money.

He started a circus and was proud of his work.

But then,his son always wanted to help him and he didn’t have time for that.William didn’t seem to understand that one must work in order to have power.Besides,William was just his silly son.What help could he give him?

Hmm, well you can see that Lucas wasn't the nicest person right from the starting point of his life there, cause he appears to have cared little for him family from the start. It makes me wonder how he got a family in the first place with that attitude...and we get to see his side of why he ignored his son...and well, I don't see much potential for redemption there.

One Day,he made a scientific discovery.He could make something that could turn people into whatever he wished.

There were these two little girls,Leona and Amelia,who visited his circus often.Maybe he could turn them into skeleton-vampire hybrids so he could trap them in his circus and make money..I mean,they’d get what they wish (to stay in the circus forever) and he’d make money.It was a win-win.

But their parents wouldn’t allow it.

Oooh, it is actually pretty cool to see where the whole vampire hybrid situation came from cause I didn't know whether that was magic or science or what, but it looks like Lucas here was pretty good at sciency things cause it appears he invented some sort of formula to do that...hmm, that's a fun detail to know and well we know the rost.

So,he burned their house down in his anger.The parents got out,but the little girls…they died in there.Not that he cared.

Now,all this working and worrying about money does something to a person.It makes them want MORE.It makes them unsatisfied.

It makes them insane.

Oh wow...well he we see him lose his mind proper there as he sets fire to the house in anger having no sympathy whatsoever for the fact that he killed the girls...and well, it is interesting to see though that maybe his intentions were not to kill the girls, but rather to simply do the whole burning thing, but that was an consequence he maybe didn't plan for. Its interesting, cause it appears it's only after that he properly snaps and goes on a genuine murder spree here.

Lucas,having burned the house down,ran over to his circus.

Isabella and William were at the circus,trying to “fix it” as they called it.

He couldn’t have them messing with his circus.

So,he murdered them and threw their bodies deep in the forest,where they would only be found by flies and maggots.

Well, it looks like this one went in a very much insane direction see as he clearly didn't care much at all when he killed his family. It seem that he simply saw them as obstacles that he needed to get rid of and so he just went through with that...well, its a powerful moment there.

He did briefly run into a foolish boy who worked in his circus as a clown running away from him with his girlfriend.He couldn't kill the girl,but he did kill the boy.

The next day,He found Leona and Amelia’s parents mourning their daughter’s deaths.

Lucas laughed.

Hmm, well it appears that Lucas has achieved full madness by that point, if he can literally just go and laugh about the deaths that he just caused...phew, this guy is properly evil sometimes...although I still maintain, this is less evil than what Denise did.

“You’re sad for their death? I say,”good riddance!” They were spoiled brats!” He yelled.

Their Mother gave him the death glare.

“How can you say that about children?! They DIED in there! How..everyone said that about them,because of how much money they had! No one ever..talked to them! Do you know how DEVASTATING it is for parents to outlive their children?! DO YOU?! You must.You have a son.” She said,crying.Her husband started to comfort her.

Hmm...I'm surprised they didn't report it to anyone when Lucas says a statement that suspicious but you can see that the parents there do survive, which is interesting, cause I'd think maybe they'd risk their lives a bit more to save the girls and potentially die rather than save themselves like this...but also well we get too see just how little Lucas cares...oh well.

He had a son.He killed William in cold blood.

But Lucas didn’t want them to know that.

He ran away,far away,right into the forest where he hid their bodies.

As Lucas was running,a bloody woman stopped him in his tracks.His wife.

Wait,wasn’t she dead?!

Oooooh....a ghost comes back I see...oh this is the first time we see this, this has to be interesting. Its also good to see perhaps at least a twinge of regret for the murders he has to commit, despite him feeling nothing in his anger, it looks like maybe he does feel something in this moment here.

“I am dead.What you have done was wrong.I’m here to stop it.” Isabella said.

She walked towards him.Lucas was frightened.What would she do to him?!

He was standing over a ditch.

She dropped him in it.

He fell so hard,he died.

When Lucas died,he became a restless demon.

Hmm..I guess it doesn’t pay to murder and hurt others in cold blood,in the end.

OOooh, indeed, indeed, indeed...well this ends fittingly for Lucas...so the only evil person that escapes is Denise I see...interesting indeed. And so he is taken out by one of the many restless spirits of the world and then becomes a demon, well quite the wrap up here for this lot of backstories.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, well this origin story is pretty much what I expected it to be, with a few fun bits of extra information for us readers. Overall, I think I really enjoyed all of these little backstories and this one is no exception.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Young Writers Society

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