Young Writers Society

The January 2023 Review Day Begins In...

[ Click here for more info ]


12+ Violence Mature Content

Lucas’ past

by vampricone6783


*If any of you have read my story “Lucas-The one behind it all” then you’ll know that I got a lot of comments saying it wasn’t really an origin story and they wanted more.This is more of his past.You can connect this story to the one I just mentioned.I have Gacha Club character designs in my wall.Enjoy!

"MOM! NO!" Lucas screamed.

It was 1966 and seven year old Lucas Ladouceur and his mom were going out hiking and they had run into a deep pit.His mom,who loved hiking,got closer to the pit to check it out.

But Lucas wasn't going anywhere near that hole.He hated hiking.It was all so dangerous,there were too many rocks,so many weird animals,no bright colors..it was...just..horrible.

He'd rather be going to the small circus in his neighborhood,which was a lot funner and less dangerous.There weren't too many rocks,either.

"Aw,calm down,child! I'm going to be fine-"

Those were the last words his Mom said before she fell to her death.

"NO!" Lucas screamed,crying.

No,no,no,no,no!

His mommy couldn't be dead..she...she was always careful...she..couldn't..

But she was.His mother was dead.He saw her trip off a rock and fall.With his very own eyes.

Lucas didn't dare get closer to the pit,he didn't want to fall,too.Big holes were scary.

So,he ran.Far,far away from the hiking site,then,he ran on the road,almost getting hit by a car in the process.But he only had one thing in mind.To get to the circus.He had to go there.That was the safest and most magical place ever.

He finally reached the circus and bumped into the ringmaster,who was just leaving.

"Hey,what's-"

"Th-th-there w-w-as a...bigpitandmymomfellintoitand-"

"Whoa,whoa! Slow down,kid! Wait in my tent and you can tell me what happened."

"But-"

"Breathe."

"Okay."

So,Lucas waited patiently in the tent.

........................................................................

It's been years since he told the ringmaster what happened to his Mom.The guy immediately brought him to a friend of his,some young lady and she's been taking care of him ever since.He also learned from the ringmaster that he was his father,which was pretty cool.But..he never visited him..he was always working..

It was 1973 now and he was thirteen years old.The woman who took care of him was nice enough,she took him to school,fed him,gave him clothes and money.She let him sleep in a big and cozy bed,too.

But no matter how hard she tried,she could never be his Mom.He often felt like he was poor,without anything in the world.No one could replace his Mom.That just wasn't possible-

"Hey!"

Lucas looked up and-hold on,why was he..outside in a forest,staring at a hole that reminded him of the pit his Mom fell into..he must have been daydreaming again..

"Hey,the field trip is ending!"

Lucas blinked.He remembered,just now,that he was on a field trip,in some forest..the forest was beginning to look...familiar..

...It was the same forest he and his Mom hiked in years ago..

"Why..why...why this place? No..no.."

Lucas began to run far off and into the trees,away from the forest,from the people.

Away from everything.

But he only got a few feet farther and he bumped into-

"Ow! Hey,you should really watch it!"

A young brown skinned girl about his age with curly black hair and emerald green eyes..they looked green in the sunlight..he recognized her voice as the voice that was calling him over earlier.

She was beautiful..

"Get off me!" She cried out,pushing him off.

"Oh-oh- I-I-I'm s-s-sorry.I-I didn't m-m-ean t-t-o h-h-hit you or a-a-anything-"

"What's your name? Mine is Isabella.Isabella Hernandez.You?"

"You want to know my name?"

"That's what I asked."

"I'm Lucas.Lucas Laudouceur.I..this place has..bad memories.."

"You want to talk about it on the bus?"

"Really?"

"Sure! We can talk about other things,too!"

"Why do you want to talk to me?"

"Because I bumped into you-"

"-Actually,I bumped into you-"

"-So the least I should do is get to know you!"

With that,Isabella and Lucas left to go to the bus.

He couldn't believe it! No other kid ever wanted to talk to "the freak who daydreams and likes circuses." No one!

Not until Isabella,of course!

Now..someone wanted to talk to him! Someone wanted to listen to him!

He couldn't be any happier!

...................................................................

"Congratulations,it's a boy!"

Lucas tried holding back tears in his eyes as the doctor presented him and Isabella with their child.

The year was 1980 and he..he married the woman of his dreams and now..he was having the life he always wanted!

"What do you want to call him?"

"William.William Ladouceur."

"You sure?"

"Sure I'm sure! This is my-"

"-Our-"

"-Our kid we're talking about,so move along!"

"Alright,if you've made your decision,I'll go!"

The doctor left,smiling to herself.Isabella beamed at William and looking at him,he saw Isabella.William looked just like Isabella.

Right then and there,he promised them silently,in his head,that he would give them a wonderful life! He'd get a job..maybe at a circus,because then he would enjoy it and would be making money..now,he wouldn't have a lot of money,at first..but entertaining people was honest work..

..Maybe he'd create his own one day,near the forest where his Mom died,so she could watch him in his glory..

..but for now,he was going to enjoy this moment with his wife and child.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
590 Reviews


Points: 65150
Reviews: 590

Donate
Sat Jun 18, 2022 3:02 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!!

I've not read the other story that this is based on, but given that this is a backstory, I didn't think it was strictly necessary to be familiar with it. After reading this, I might check it out; it definitely seems like a lot of things are presented in this that might make more sense after knowing the full story.

One thing I liked about the story was the realism in the dialogue. I think you conveyed conversation dynamics nicely and it helped make the story believable. The way you conveyed personality through the dialogue was nice as well; Isabella especially seemed like a truly vibrant and spunky character from the way you wrote her voice and dialogue. The ending, too, was sweet, and I liked the hopeful tone you took.

One thing I did wonder about was the purpose of the little story. I thought that it was a little too disjointed to function as a full story about Lucas' past and would work as more of an overview, but I think it would be easy to also incorporate those pertinent details from his past into the main narrative. This definitely seems like something that would be more of use to the writer, just to get a feel for the character and solidify some details about important events in their life. I'm curious about your intentions for writing this piece.

Specifics

His Mom,who loved hiking,got closer to the pit to check it out.


Since you've got an article before mom (his), mom should be lowercase. The same goes for phrases like "his Mommy" and"his Mother"; mommy and mother should be lowercase. Also, I noticed that you lack spaces around your commas— a bit of proofreading should help that! There's also a chance it could be an error with copy and pasting, too.

Overall: nice work! I think your dialogue was the saving grace in these little vignettes about Lucas' past. I might go and check out his main story now! Until next time!






I wrote this story because I got a lot of comments on the original story saying their could be more detail.This is an improvement on the original.

And thanks!



User avatar
87 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 87

Donate
Wed Jun 15, 2022 9:07 am
View Likes
scatteredscones wrote a review...



Hey it's Gem here for a review. I'm a bit rusty at reviewing but I will do my best.🙂

You've got a nice story here. It sounds like you have the main character all figured out. I enjoyed reading it.

I like the names of the characters! They seem realistic. The story could have taken place in the real world and the timeline was interesting.

Some constructive criticism would be you seem to have made a few grammatical typos where words are clumped together with punctuation an easy fix that would make this a much easier read. The time skips seem a little jarring as well.

I think if you slowed down the story a little and fleshed it out more giving the characters more time to get to know each other then the readers like me would better understand their personalities and grow to like them more!

You can feel free to only use what is helpful haha I only have good intentions here and am not forcing anything on you friend.

Keep writing and improving you will go far!

This is Gem leaping back into the dragons den 😉🤘





I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola