Young Writers Society

Hey there,

I dropped by to leave you an review on this lovely piece!



First of all, I really loved this story. I read the article after I read your story and I think you did a pretty amazing job over here. I love your story more than the article tbh. I am glad you also put some spanish in there. <3 Me encanta <3

Alondra stared out the window, holding her blankets close. She was visiting her Titi Sofia for the weekend. Her parents were on their own vacation, so they left her with…Titi Sofia.

The visit was fine, until she told Alondra the story of Maria or as most people called her in Puerto Rico, “La Llorona, the weeping woman”.

She didn’t have to tell her right before bed.

Alondra couldn’t sleep, the thought of a screaming, crying woman in white flashing through her head.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to go to Cuyón river and see the woman for herself.

……………………………………………………

Great name! Alondra. You always have very nice and new names, I am so impressed.

OEhhh...I love this beginning. The way you incorperated the sort of original article in your story, meaning Maria is nice. I love how you've framed Alondra's urge to go see Maria in it, it's really visible and thoughtful.

Suggestion:
I would have liked to know more about Alondra before you actually introduced her going to her aunt all of a sudden like that. Maybe do some kind of origin or backstory thing about her? And she could also use some more character development. Like for example talk more about her visual appealing and her personality.

Alondra stood on the Puente de las Calabazas, over the Cuyón river. In only her thin summer pajamas, slippers, and jacket, she waited for her.

There was nothing but the sound of tree leaves and coqui frogs.

Alondra sighed. Maybe it really was just a legend. Maybe there was no La Llorona.

She was about to leave, when suddenly-

“*Mis hijos!”

A woman in white, with fading skin, water clinging to her hair and dress, was on the bridge with her.

La Llorona, weeping woman.

With veiny hands, the woman grabbed Alondra by the neck and dragged her to the water.

“Stop! Please, stop!”

She didn’t let go.

“Maria, please!”

Still, La Llorona pushed through the water.

Alondra hadn’t spoken Spanish in years, but…but what if La Llorona only spoke Spanish? What if…what if that was the only language she understood?

Alondra swallowed hard. La Llorona’s fingers were sinking through her skin. The water didn’t help things.

She had to try.

“*Mamá, por favor déjame ir.”

La Llorona let go. For a moment, Alondra thought that she saw a slight resolve in her eyes.

She disappeared in white.

Alondra swam through the lake, up to the bridge.

She had to get home.

……………………………………………………

Okay, this was nice. I love the pacing of your story and I think you did a great job with the dialogues. But. I feel this part is a bit rushed and quickly finished.

I feel I would have liked it more if you made two or three paragraphs. Maybe if you had also put some more info and descriptions it would look better and be a nicer whole story.

I don't want to sound bossy and mean, it's just a suggestion. Don't get me wrong.

Alondra opened the front door of her house, shivering. She had to get warm…quickly…

Titi Sofia was standing on the staircase.

For a moment, they just stared at each other. Alondra played over the moment in Cuyón river in her head, that moment when La Llorona stared at her before disappearing.

Then, Titi Sofia walked up to her and took Alondra’s hand.

“Were you looking for her?” She asked.

She nodded.

“Next time don’t leave. You were lucky. Go and dry yourself. Change your clothes. Go to sleep.”

“Why were you on the stairs?”

“To check on you, now go and change before you catch a cold!” Titi Sofia said, letting go of her hand.

Alondra rushed to her room, still thinking of the encounter. In the legends, La Llorona was a lost, sad mother, beyond any help. But that was the key. She was a mother. She still had the motherly love deep within her heart. La Llorona wasn’t evil.

She just wanted to be loved.

Wow! I feel like Titi Sofia has some explaining to do. I really have the feeling she is hiding something. Maybe that'll be explained in a sequel?

I really feel you could have said more about the whole legend surrounding Marias in your story. I know we can read it from the article, but for people who haven't read the article, it would be nice.

I think you did an amazing job on this story, though it could use some improvements. I hope my suggestions helped you, if not. I am sorry. But I really like the idea of you incorperating your whole puertorican roots in here. Fabulous idea.

Suggestions on your title:

Los gritos de la mujer que llora >> Maybe change it to >>Los gritos de la llorona

That sounds better. It means the samen. "la llorona" means "the weeping woman".

Have a nice day or night! Stay amazing!

Magically yours,
Rinisha

PS: please tag me if your writing a sequel.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was both less wholesome than I thought it was going to be and somehow at the same time more wholesome. Overall I loved the vibes that you captured with this one. I think you've presented a neat little version of this story and I loved it.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Alondra stared out the window, holding her blankets close. She was visiting her Titi Sofia for the weekend. Her parents were on their own vacation, so they left her with…Titi Sofia.

The visit was fine, until she told Alondra the story of Maria or as most people called her in Puerto Rico, “La Llorona, the weeping woman”.

She didn’t have to tell her right before bed.

Alondra couldn’t sleep, the thought of a screaming, crying woman in white flashing through her head.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She had to go to Cuyón river and see the woman for herself.

Ooooh well this is a lovely little start. I wasn't quite sure what you were going to do with this particular story but it seems we're going to see what happens through a character and it looks like our protagonist here is starting off with a pretty interesting bit of emotions here, it seems we've got this person feeling quite sorry for the poor woman which given what I know of this legend is a very reasonable response, so this is going to be a lovely start here to see what happens to our protagonist.

Alondra stood on the Puente de las Calabazas, over the Cuyón river. In only her thin summer pajamas, slippers, and jacket, she waited for her.

There was nothing but the sound of tree leaves and coqui frogs.

Alondra sighed. Maybe it really was just a legend. Maybe there was no La Llorona.

She was about to leave, when suddenly-

“*Mis hijos!”

A woman in white, with fading skin, water clinging to her hair and dress, was on the bridge with her.

Oooh I love that we get a tiny bit of tension there just to wonder if La Llorona is actually going to show. Given this is a vampricone story there's hardly any doubt this person is real but its still a nice little moment just to inject a bit of extra excitement into the story.

La Llorona, weeping woman.

With veiny hands, the woman grabbed Alondra by the neck and dragged her to the water.

“Stop! Please, stop!”

She didn’t let go.

“Maria, please!”

Still, La Llorona pushed through the water.

Alondra hadn’t spoken Spanish in years, but…but what if La Llorona only spoke Spanish? What if…what if that was the only language she understood?

Oh dear, well it seems the bit of care that Alondra showed is going to backfire a bit here, which is to be expected but I was wondering if there was a chance of a happier ending in this one. For now thought it seems we're still going down the simple scary ghost route.

Alondra swallowed hard. La Llorona’s fingers were sinking through her skin. The water didn’t help things.

She had to try.

“*Mamá, por favor déjame ir.”

La Llorona let go. For a moment, Alondra thought that she saw a slight resolve in her eyes.

She disappeared in white.

Alondra swam through the lake, up to the bridge.

She had to get home.

Ooooh well I was not expecting that twist. That's a beautiful little twist. Well. Well. Well. I have no doubt we're going to see La Llorona again and Alondra is going to pay a part but for now she has actually managed to escape this first encounter without being too badly hurt it would seem.

Alondra opened the front door of her house, shivering. She had to get warm…quickly…

Titi Sofia was standing on the staircase.

For a moment, they just stared at each other. Alondra played over the moment in Cuyón river in her head, that moment when La Llorona stared at her before disappearing.

Then, Titi Sofia walked up to her and took Alondra’s hand.

“Were you looking for her?” She asked.

She nodded.

Oooh this is another little plot twist. I was fully expecting Titi Sofia to be a little bit more harsh about leaving at night but this is a nice moment where it seems Titi Sofia has understood where Alondra is coming from and has chosen to forgive at least from the vibes that we've got going on here.

“Next time don’t leave. You were lucky. Go and dry yourself. Change your clothes. Go to sleep.”

“Why were you on the stairs?”

“To check on you, now go and change before you catch a cold!” Titi Sofia said, letting go of her hand.

Alondra rushed to her room, still thinking of the encounter. In the legends, La Llorona was a lost, sad mother, beyond any help. But that was the key. She was a mother. She still had the motherly love deep within her heart. La Llorona wasn’t evil.

She just wanted to be loved.

Ooooh okayyy. This is an interesting place to end. I was fully expecting Alondra to go back out but this is a perfect little place to end and it seems we're going to get that little wholesome ending after all. This is a beautiful little moment. Not only did Titi Sophia understand and even seem to expect what happened but we get to see Alondra truly connecting with La Llorona in what could only be the best way there and so that beautiful line she said to be able to escape comes full circle and I think it makes for a great end.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think you've done a wonderful and I really enjoyed this story. I am also torn a little between really wanting to see some more and also thinking this story really did have the perfect ending and didn't want more. Anyways. I look forward to running into more of these wonderfully scary and sometimes surprisingly wholesome stories.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate