z

Young Writers Society


12+

Leona’s parents-So much to do

by vampricone6783


*They aren’t actually from my story:”Eloise-the demented doll woman.” I’d just thought it would be fun to see things from their perspective. You can look at other pictures of them on my wall.Now,I’ll admit myself,this isn’t one of the best origin stories I made and this is one of the shortest ones,but I’m putting it here anyway to see what others think.Alright,let’s get started!



Once, in the 1960s, there was a married couple. Charlotte and Nikolai Fitzgerald. They had a daughter. Leona Fitzgerald.

Nikolai loved his daughter, Leona.

Charlotte, on the other hand…only saw her as an obstacle.

She was well-aware that Leona was trying every trick in the book to get her attention, but Charlotte just didn’t care. Leona was annoying and foolish, like so many other people she met. She never wanted a child, anyway.

But despite her loath towards Leona, she didn’t give her up for adoption or divorce Nikolai, even though Nikolai tried to divorce her and take custody of Leona.

Nope, she just stayed in her marriage with the child she didn’t like, because who knows what people would say about her if she left them?  She’d be judged harshly.

Little did Charlotte and Nikolai know that without Charlotte’s attention, Leona would grow up to be a monster..

Charlotte as an angel:

(Charlotte died of old age in her sleep. Somehow, she made it to Heaven)

Nikolai as an angel:

(He died the same way Charlotte did)

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4102 Reviews

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Mon Nov 22, 2021 10:32 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once,in the 1960s,there was a married couple.Charlotte and Nikolai Fitzgerald.They had a daughter,Leona Fitzgerald.

Nikolai loved his daughter,Leona.

Charlotte,on the other hand…only saw her as an obstacle.

She was well-aware that Leona was trying every trick in the book to get her attention,but Charlotte just didn’t care.Leona was annoying and foolish,like so many other people she met.She never wanted a child,anyway.

But despite her loath towards Leona,she didn’t give her up for adoption or divorce Nikolai,even though Nikolai tried to divorce her and take custody of Leona.

Nope,she just stayed in her marriage with the child she didn’t like,because who knows what people would say about her if she left them? She’d be judged harshly.

Little did Charlotte and Nikolai know that without Charlotte’s attention,Leona would grow up to be a monster..


Aaaand I am back for another one of these things, and this one is certainly the shortest of the bunch that I've seen, but well lemme try and see what this is all about. This appears to be the parents of the circus lady that is responsible for all the horrible things that we saw in those earlier origin stories with the whole monsters thing....and well, I think this one comes out sounding more like just a brief summary of the parents than anything else and it works.

It highlights what appears to perhaps be a sort of warning sign if anything that Leona's mother appears to have spotted in her even at a young age with the whole attention grabbing thing. There's also mentions of how said mother didn't care for her at all and we can make some guesses as to how an environment like that growing up could have lead towards Leona's more murderous or rather just cruel tendencies, we didn't really see any sort of murdering happening in these stories for a change, just this horrible transformation.

Well...I guess that's about all I can really figure out from this...its not much but I can see why a perspective like this just might not have much to say on the story itself, and from what I've read your origin stories mostly only cover material directly related to the incidents in your story. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun Nov 21, 2021 12:12 am
Anamel wrote a review...



I think this would also serve as a good, short prologue to the story as a whole. You end it with 'little did they know...' about Leona, which could follow with a chapter in Leona's perspective and their life at that point. Now we know her mother sees her as an obstacle, she never wanted a child, and she felt like she'd be judged harshly for leaving. I'm curious to see how Leona's mother treated her as well and what her family was like. Oftentimes people raising a child will follow the same example set by their parents and so on. Does Leona have any grandparents, are they just not around/dead? You could also delve more into the things Nikolai loves about his child. You could write that the love which Charlotte rejects from him and doesn't really gives back he pours into their kid instead. You could describe the state of their marriage and their feelings for one another, if any.

Because Leona didn't get the attention she needed from her mom and was ignored, you could make her talk a lot and get in to trouble a lot as well in school because she's always looking for a feminine figure to care. If her mother is materialistic, she'll probably end up being the opposite too. Does Charlotte have anyone that would judge her harshly for leaving the marriage in particular, such as her parents or extended family? I know in modern times people wouldn't judge as severely as, say, even forty/fifty years ago. Knowing the time period in this would be helpful. I see that you have a lot of published stories of the origins of everything but I think you could actually sum it all up in one bigger story that people could read start to finish.

But despite her loath towards Leona,
This would be loathing instead of loath.

Little did Charlotte and Nikolai know that without Charlotte’s attention,Leona would grow up to be a monster..
You'd use three dots instead of two to make an ellipsis.

They had a daughter,Leona Fitzgerald.
How old is Leona at the time of this being written?

Charlotte,on the other hand…only saw her as an obstacle.
An ellipsis isn't really necessary here even though your intention is dramatic effect.

Once,there was a married couple.Charlotte and Nikolai Fitzgerald.They had a daughter,Leona Fitzgerald.
Put a space inbetween these sentences.






This origin story? It%u2019s part of a bigger story,my story:%u201DEloise-the demented doll woman.%u201D Grandparents aren%u2019t mentioned here and Leona would have to be three at the time this was written.The story takes place in the 1960s.

Thanks for reading!




You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott