Young Writers Society

Hi vampricone6783!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give you a quick review. I haven't read anything else in your series that this is tied into, but I thought it was really cool that you wrote an origin story for one of the characters. In my own work, I will do the same, writing supplemental short stories or other pieces that help me flesh things out.

You do start out this out really interesting an intriguing. A quick note on this sentence:

There lived a woman named Karina Davidson, her husband, Rhian Davidson, and their ten year old daughter, Rose Davidson, whom they loved more than life itself.

I don't think you need to say "Davidson" three times -- you could just say they're the Davidson family.

It was also really intriguing when they went to the Mansion, and I wanted to know what Rhian was up to and how he had gotten the money. I was really surprised when he killed her, and I wasn't sure how it all connected. I think you could have gotten there eventually. Maybe Rhian is involved in some shady deal, and Karina finds out?

I definitely wanted more. You have a great start and there's plenty of room to understand.

Hope this helps-- feel free to let me know if you have any questions or want anything clarified! Keep writing!

Elinor

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy well this was quite an intriguing piece. I can't be sure but it seems like this is the mother from that one story I read the other day. It was certainly an interesting one. One of the properly sad endings we've seen where it wasn't just horrifying but simple slow and much more emotional.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The year was 1864. There lived a woman named Karina Davidson, her husband, Rhian Davidson, and their ten year old daughter, Rose Davidson, whom they loved more than life itself.

They were a happy, loving family.

But they didn’t have enough money for a healthy, good life.

So, Rhian had set out for a job.

He wouldn’t tell Karina or Rose what this job was, but he came back with money. He came back and they would have milk that wasn’t spoiled, eggs that weren’t rotten. The fact that their life got slightly better was enough for her.

One day, he brought Rose a pristine porcelain doll with brown curls wearing a green lace dress. It was just what she wanted, but could never get.

Well this seems like we're starting off with a fairly wholesome note there but judging by that title and the way things are going on here, it seems like things really aren't going to end up being too wholesome by the time we get to the end.

On that same day, he took them to a beautiful, clean mansion.

“Welcome home!” Rhian exclaimed, gently taking Karina’s gloved hand as they stepped off the shiny black carriage. Rose had already skipped out with her doll, whom she named “Chrysanthemum”.

“This…this is our home?” Karina asked, amazed at the grand estate.

“For as long as we live.” Rhian said.

His eyes had a sparkle in them that she thought was lost forever. He seemed so vibrant, so full of life! At that moment, Karina realized something.

Her family was saved.

Well that seems like a very wholesome thing to be realizing in that moment, although once again something about that final expression really doesn't sound like we're headed towards much of a happy ending.

Rose, being ahead of them, had already run into the house. She left the door ajar in her excitement.

Karina was about to walk in, but she found herself being held by arms that were strong and supportive.

Rhian’s arms.

Karina blushed a little, the same warmth rising in her chest as when she first laid eyes on him.

“It’s for you, my love.” He smiled.

He carried her over the threshold.

Hmm well we've got ourselves yet another soft moment here. If we are headed towards a sad ending you're doing a great job establishing quite how wholesome this is so that its going to be very sad when things actually manage to get to the ending.

He wouldn’t put her down once they got in the mansion. She went past paintings, statues, and flowers. He walked up the stairs, still carrying her.

Then, she was finally set down.

Karina looked around. She couldn’t see anything in the room. It was all complete darkness.

She listened to Rhian light a candle and then, the room was bathed in dim, hazy light.

The only thing the room had was a white bed, big enough for the two of them. There was nothing else in the room. Just the bed.

“What I did was so vile, so cruel, so against the ways of life.” Rhian whispered, setting the candle on the ground.

He was behind her, but she could hear the sadness in her voice. It was so different from the love she heard earlier.

Oh...well it looks like we're warming up there for whatever horror is in store there. It seems whatever job was performed there in order for them to get to this place of being happy with things was not something particularly pretty there.

“How do you mean?” Karina asked.

One arm wrapped around her waist tenderly. It was just the two of them in the room

“I thought I could show you something beautiful before your demise.”

Karina’s throat clamped up. Demise? He couldn’t possibly mean anything of it! Why was he trying to scare her? And at this lovely house, too? It wasn’t like him to be this way. Rhian was an honest man.

“I love you, Karina.”

His tender hold was more forceful. He swiftly raised a piece of cloth to her lips. She wriggled and screamed, but he held her firmly. The cloth tasted of salted cotton. The room was getting dimmer.

Then it was dark.

Hmm well we've reached pretty much exactly what we expected there. Although this Death is seems was something simply kind and simple there and to do with just guilt more than anything else.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this was a powerful little tale. Somehow the fact that this is a bit less horror and just more powerful emotions being poured in there gives it a bit more power I think, especially as we get to the end there.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate