z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

John-Clowns,Magic,Murder and Lies

by vampricone6783


*This is John’s story,Penelope’s husband and Nova’s father.I have Gacha Club character designs of him on my wall.Honestly this is one of my shorter stories.It isn’t that good.But I’m posting it anyway.

There was once a man named John who was married to a woman he loved named Penelope.

But Penelope wasn't a regular woman.She was a powerful witch.

He still loved her,though.

They had a kid together,Nova.

Nova was a witch,like her mother.

It seemed like after Nova was born,Penelope was more powerful and he was just a regular human..

..They broke up.It just wouldn't work.He'd see Nova,of course,but he wouldn't be with Penelope anymore.

Life got too much for this family.

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4102 Reviews

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Sun Dec 18, 2022 3:26 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

There was once a man named John who was married to a woman he loved named Penelope.

But Penelope wasn't a regular woman.She was a powerful witch.

He still loved her,though.

They had a kid together,Nova.

Nova was a witch,like her mother.

It seemed like after Nova was born,Penelope was more powerful and he was just a regular human..

..They broke up.It just wouldn't work.He'd see Nova,of course,but he wouldn't be with Penelope anymore.

Life got too much for this family.


Well this is an interesting one here. It seems we're diving towards Nova's parents here and that is really raising the stakes interestingly here because so far I'd assumed Nova was from a normal family but to see that we've got his mother being a powerful witch, one who seemed to get more powerful since his birth sets things on an even more intriguing path her and I'm loving it.

But of course before we dive in there it seems we have a tragic case of another husband ending up being tossed out because of wife that has too much power in her mind because John from the looks of it had a pretty simple life as far as simply being Penelope's husband and Nova's father was concerned but it seems as Penelope gained more power John ended up being left behind.

I would honestly love to see a little more of John here. Once again we have the promise of something perhaps having gone wrong there and John maybe descending into some form of revenge but we don't quite get enough information within this one to properly judge either way and I thing being able to make that call would be a good addition.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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659 Reviews

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Sat Apr 09, 2022 9:44 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I think I have reviewed one of your stories before, but unfortunately I do not have enough background information to really understand the connection between all your characters. It still is a very wonderful world though, and I love how extensive this entire world is, with new characters and names cropping up every now and then. Even if I had been following all the stories, I am not sure I would have been able to keep up and remember all the names and connections.

Anyways, now on to the main review!

As you yourself mentioned, this is very short. Too short actually. You have a solid story here with some rather interesting themes. However, you need to expand on them to really carry across that emotion to your readers. Otherwise, the text will just feel bland and flat and it will not create a reaction strong enough in the readers to leave that kind of a lasting impression.

For example, here:

It seemed like after Nova was born,Penelope was more powerful and he was just a regular human..

This is a rather interesting plot point, and it could have been even better if you had spent some time with that sentence and expanded on it. It is very clear that Penelope's incredible power created a kind complex within John who started feeling inferior to his own wife. Expand on his feelings. What exactly does he feel and why? Maybe describe some instance when he realized how powerful his wife is and how it caused him to think low of himself. Did he pity himself? Or was it self-hatred that caused all the strain in their family? How did Penelope manage it? Did she do anything to address John's inferiority complex?

See, here you have all the ingredients for a classic story. You can include their child's perspective, perhaps show how she was caught in the middle of this conflict between her parents and how she dealt with it. It is a very realistic problem among people and couples that often tear apart relationships in the real world as well.

Life got too much for this family.

Indeed, life got too much for this family. But unfortunately, we did not get to see it. I would have loved to see how you drew out this conflict, how you exposed the real fear within the characters. I personally, love character driven stories and I think this could have been a great one. You can create something really beautiful with this.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Sat Apr 09, 2022 5:43 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!!

Ah well, this was something which I was very much expecting. Anyway, into the review.

I would really like to know a bit more about the feelings of John about their divorce. Like he loved Penelope. Now when a person loves a person, they would have strong feelings for that particular possession. Giving divorce and getting seperated from a person he loves doesn't sound to be an easy thing to me.

Was he just sad or was he completely heart-broken and desperate? And above all, why did he do that? I mean whose problem it actually was. I really hoped that I would get the answer from any of these origin stories but I didn't. No problem though, you can always add it! :) From what I reckon, this was a decision of Penelope since her love didn't seem so intense(I can be wrong though) and John's love for him does.

The fact that after Nova was born, Penelope became even more powerful sounds very interesting to me. Is it a trend among the witches or is it just a misconception or something on John's side. To me, it seems to be the latter. We will see though.

On a side note, though not very important, is it not better to avoid a sudden first person in third person narrative? Simply remove the I and still you would be able to convey the same message.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever






Yeah,he was more intense than her.




it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina