*This is the origin of a character from my story “31 Horrendous Halloween tales”. You can find that story underneath my folder “31 Halloween tales”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Introduction
In the town of Blakey Hill, there was a girl named Jazzlyn Diaz. Jazzlyn was well-liked by many kids in her school, with her infectious joyful nature. She never left anyone out of anything, even the overlooked ones were her friends.
There was nothing she loved more than Halloween. In Blakey Hill, everyone dressed up and did all they could to celebrate. It was an event that stuck in the town’s minds for many years.
Jazzlyn wore a unique, eccentric costume that was to die for every Halloween. On Halloween, she seemed much more lively and like herself than on any other day.
But could it be that she really was a monster?
Chapter One
Jazzlyn stretched her arms, the sunlight creeping in her window. It was daylight, so her room seemed a lot less depressing.
She looked down at her hands and willed for skin to cover up her coarse, pink lavender claws. She mustn’t let the humans know the truth, that much was clear.
Jazzlyn remembered the bright, sweet smile on Amoret’s face before things took a turn for the worse…
No! She shouldn’t think of it, she would fix it.
Jazzlyn would be Amoret’s best friend again! All she had to do was keep trying…
Chapter Two
FLASHBACK
Jazzlyn and Amoret were little girls, running through the dark forest. The other kids were scared, but they knew that it was just a forest. Nothing terrible would happen to them.
Both girls stopped in front of a deer that had blue and pink striped fur. It regarded the girls with calm, orange eyes.
“What is it?” Amoret asked.
“It’s a magical deer, obviously!” Jazzlyn snapped. How could she not see the plain and simple fact that was standing before them?
“You think so?” Amoret asked.
“I know so!” Jazzlyn responded.
Jazzlyn walked up to the deer and stroked its head. It closed its eyes dreamily, as unicorns did with young Princesses when they are petted.
“Why are you touching it?!” Amoret asked, a note of worry in her voice.
“Because it’s cute!” Jazzlyn said irritably.
Where was Amoret’s sense of fantasy?
Suddenly, Jazzlyn felt a stabbing pain in her hand and pulled back, feeling as though she would faint into the black Earth any second.
Chapter Three
Jazzlyn walked down the rickety stairs. She didn’t bother to look in the living room, she knew that her parents wouldn’t be there.
Jazzlyn blinked back tears in her eyes. It still pained her to think of them, writhing and screaming…
Snap out of it! Today is going to be a good day! Jazzlyn thought.
The whole school counted on her happiness to thrive. Kids looked forward to seeing her, she had to make their moments.
Chapter Four
IN THE BLAKEY HILL HIGH SCHOOL HALL
Jazzlyn had gotten herself fixed up for the humans and arrived at school early, to let the kids know to never be late. Most listened, some didn’t, but after a few minutes, the hall filled up.
As Jazzlyn walked, classmates would walk up to her and ask:
“What are you going to be for Halloween?”
“Are you having a Halloween party?”
“Can I come?”
And Jazzlyn would always respond with:
“That’s a secret until the Thirty-First.”
“I’ll have to see.”
“Sure, if it happens.”
The others would leave, slightly disappointed, but would still crowd her, eyes wide with desperation and desire. She wanted them all to scatter away like flies, but to see the pure fear in their bodies…no.
They didn’t deserve fear. They were just kids, they didn’t know any better. They were liked flies in need of dead meat. Incapable of thought, clinging to what was known and loved.
So Jazzlyn let them stay. They’d have to leave for their classes soon anyway.
Chapter Five
ELA CLASS
Just as Jazzlyn thought, the few kids scattered away once she stepped foot into the first class of day, ELA.
Mrs. Byrne was reading a book about a girl in a supernatural plight to the class. It was dark, but there were hints of funny moments, as nothing in school should be too much.
Amoret liked to read… Jazzlyn thought as she took her seat. She wondered if Amoret would have gone to the same High School as her if things had gone differently.
Chapter Six
FLASHBACK
Jazzlyn woke up, feeling quite woozy. The deer was gone. So was Amoret.
“Amoret?! AMORET?! Where are you?!” Jazzlyn called out, voice ragged and…hissing? Was there a hiss in her voice?
“Hello?” Jazzlyn tried again.
Yes, she did have a hiss.
Jazzlyn got up from the ground, she didn’t like sitting down.
Her hands…why were they claws?
Chapter Seven
AFTER SCHOOL
It was the end of the day for the kids at Blakey Hill high. Jazzlyn walked home alone, as she always did. Though many hung out with her at school, none of them were her friends.
In the distance, a girl flickered. A girl with the same dimples and dark brown eyes as Amoret, her lost friend.
Jazzlyn looked around. No one was there but her and Amoret.
She ran towards Amoret, wanting nothing more than to be with her close and only friend, for everything to be normal again.
Chapter Eight
FLASHBACK
No matter. Jazzlyn had to find Amoret.
She got up from the ground and ran in the woods. The trees seemed to stretch longer and longer, reaching out for her soul.
“Jazzlyn…” A voice said.
“Jazzlyn Diaz…”
In front of her was the deer again. Deep in her heart, Jazzlyn sensed that the deer was calling for her.
She stopped running and started walking. The deer would help. The deer would save her and bring back Amoret.
Chapter Eight
But when Jazzlyn tried to embrace Amoret, she disappeared right before her very eyes.
You know what you have to do to get her back. The deer whispered in her mind.
No, no she couldn’t do it. No one deserved to die, no one, not a soul! If she killed anyone, she couldn’t live with herself. She couldn’t do it, even if that person wasn’t the nicest.
You have to do it. The deer said. It seemed to be taunting her for losing Amoret, trying to mold her into a demon.
But Jazzlyn wouldn’t fall for it.
“You killed my loved ones and you impersonated my friend! I know that it was you now! Amoret is dead, she cannot visit me. You can go to Hell for all I care!” Jazzlyn yelled.
The deer laughed in her brain, knocking at her soul. She knew that it was smirking, she could feel it smirking. Deers didn’t smirk, but again, deers weren’t supposed to kill.
“Go away!” Jazzlyn screamed, holding her head. It felt like the worst headache in the world, the kind that would kill. Were people going to go outside and think she was crazy? Were they?
No one went outside. The deer was gone.
She was safe.
Chapter Nine
FLASHBACK
Jazzlyn was face to face with the deer. The deer grinned at her with sharp, yellowed teeth and said:
“Jazzlyn, I made you more. Look at yourself.”
The deer turned on its right side, which had become a mirror for Jazzlyn to look at. She screamed, not quite believing her eyes.
What stared back wasn’t a little girl, but a small, gray humanoid with large white eyes, black hair that almost covered the eyes, and muted pink horns rising from the head.
“What-what happened to me?!” Jazzlyn asked, thoroughly frightened.
“I made you more.” The deer said.
“Change me back!” Jazzlyn demanded. She didn’t want to be a monster, especially since Amoret was around. What would she think of Jazzlyn?
“Relax, Jazzlyn. You can become human if you just think about it. As for Amoret…she did not survive my brilliance.” The deer said.
“You mean she’s dead?” Jazzlyn asked fearfully.
“Why yes, certainly. But you can get her back and become a full human. All you have to do is…”
Chapter Ten
Jazzlyn made the walk back home, to where no one would wait for her. The day it all changed, she went after her parents. She could still remember their petrified screams, their wide eyes, the blood…
Why didn’t she control herself?
Chapter Eleven
FLASHBACK
“All you have to do is kill a classmate.” The deer said.
“Any classmate?”
“Any classmate. I just need young blood.” The deer said.
Jazzlyn backed away, panic crawling in her body like skittering flies. She had to kill someone? The deer needed blood?
“No. There has to be another way.” Jazzlyn said.
She turned on her heels and took off from the monster that pretended to be a friend.
Chapter Twelve
Jazzlyn sat in her bed, thinking back to the moment in the woods. She truly dreaded the thought of killing anyone, but what if there wasn’t any other choice?
She thought back to the deer in the woods. It had glowing orange eyes, like gemstones…
What if they could be removed?
Chapter Thirteen
The orbs were always glowing. The deer probably didn’t have a heart, because it was magical. Perhaps the eyes were like its heart. If Jazzlyn removed the eyes, then maybe she would save Amoret.
It was certainly worth a try!
Chapter Fourteen
Jazzlyn sat up from bed and sang the words that the deer taught her:
“Come to me, blue-pink deer
For you, I have no fear
I’m ready now, to tear it all down
So come to me, blue deer”
Her heartbeat quickened within. She hoped that it would work. She hoped that Amoret would come back. Maybe her parents would be back too.
Maybe everything would be fine.
Chapter Fifteen
FLASHBACK
Jazzlyn slammed open the door of her house, glad to be safe.
“Jazzlyn, what’s going on?” Mom asked.
“Nothing!” Jazzlyn said.
“Why are you dressed like a monster?” Dad asked.
“It’s fine!”
“Where is Amoret?” They both asked.
“Leave me alone!” Jazzlyn shrieked.
Why wouldn’t they stop asking questions? Why wouldn’t they just quit it?
Jazzlyn jumped in front of both of them and slashed her claws through their skin, silencing their words.
What…what…what had she done?
Chapter Sixteen
The blue, striped pink deer appeared in front of her, in all of its deceiving majesty.
“So you’ve chosen to kill someone?” The deer asked.
Jazzlyn nodded, crawling off of her bed. She wouldn’t dare say a word, for she didn’t want her secret to slip.
“Their name?” The deer asked.
“I can’t tell you yet.” Jazzlyn said. She was so close. All she had to do was reach for its eyes and-
“I’m always one step ahead.” The deer said.
Jazzlyn was pushed back into her bookshelf, wood and books crashing into her, giving her immeasurable pain, but not killing her. Another reminder that she was not human.
“You really thought that you could kill me, didn’t you?” The deer asked. For the first time, there was no calm in its voice. Only the rising anger of an irritated parent.
“Find a classmate to kill or Amoret gets it.” The deer snapped, before disappearing again.
As the deer began to disappear, she thought of its warning. Amoret was dead, but her soul could still be tortured. Jazzlyn almost wanted to give up, but she had been running her whole life.
Yes, Jazzlyn felt like sinking to the Earth, but she knew what the deer’s weakness was. Why would it attack her otherwise?
She had to find a better way to take the eyes, before it noticed and forced her to kill someone. Its eyes glowed with power, its eyes held all the light, all the life. Possibly Jazzlyn’s human energy.
Jazzlyn shuddered. The deer appeared in her dreams, warning her that if she slipped up, it would control her forever. All of her beloved classmates would die at her claws if the deer came for her.
She wouldn’t let that happen.
Chapter Seventeen
Jazzlyn stood in her room, pondering what to do. Was there anything she could do? Was she destined to be a thoughtless monster, forever and ever?
There was a crack on her bedroom wall. A crack that opened up into a world that was swallowtail red, the sweet, putrid scent of blood seeping through.
Swallowtail butterflies weren’t actually red, Jazzlyn knew that. They were yellow, like dandelions. But she always imagined them to be red. It seemed more natural for them than yellow.
Perhaps that was because the world was turning red for her. Either way, it was an escape.
Jazzlyn stepped through the crack, her last, dying hope.
Chapter Eighteen
“Jazzlyn! Jazzlyn, help me!” A voice called out distantly.
Not just any voice, but Amoret!
“Please, I need you. I’ve been waiting for so long.” Amoret pleaded wearily.
Jazzlyn ran as fast as she could, heart beating with the intensity of desire, of needing, of wanting, to save her friend.
Then, she flew with her ragged, torn black wings, too beaten by sorrow to fly properly.
Chapter Nineteen
FLASHBACK
Jazzlyn sank to the ground, staring at the twisted bodies of her parents, so much like the dolls she threw carelessly around the house.
SHE did it. SHE killed her parents. Just like a monster would, she killed her parents out of anger.
The tears came rushing out, clouding her vision. Her chest felt the pressure of cement being pushed in, stealing away her breath.
A blue, slightly pink light shaped itself in the room, forming into the deer Jazzlyn touched.
“You have to kill…” It seethed in her ears.
Jazzlyn shook her violently, for the sobs were still spilling out, choked and sickened.
“No? YOU CAN’T SAY NO TO ME!” The deer yelled.
Jazzlyn covered her ears, wishing to drown in blissful darkness.
She felt her wings being torn into raggedness, like the bones of her back breaking away from her body. Were her bones breaking? Was she dying?
“Say yes if you want it to stop.” The deer said calmly.
Jazzlyn did not speak. The pain would go away, she just had to wait.
Chapter Twenty
At the memory of torn wings, warm blood flooded from Jazzlyn’s back. But no, she wouldn’t stop. Saving Amoret was more important.
Her voice was growing louder, which meant that Jazzlyn was getting closer. She tried to fly, but her paper-like wings weren’t much help.
It was alright. She was almost there. Amoret’s voice was coming from a mud-filled hole in the ground, Jazzlyn could hear that much.
When Amoret’s hand reached from the muck as a zombie would to a living friend, Jazzlyn took it, no matter how dirty, sticky, and covered in mucus it was.
Epilogue
Though Amoret was saved and brought back to her parents, Jazzlyn still lived alone, a monster hiding in the darkness. On she went to school, dressed as a human, with a smile that always graced her face. The deer had lied, it did not give her a human life.
The deer in question had disappeared from sight, but she could sense it in her mind. It was far off, in another place. She’d had to use magic to find it. Find it so that no one else may be hurt again.
All she had to do was take the eyes.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was quite the little tale. Gotta say one of the most original villains I have ever run into and one of the most terrifying too at the same time there. I'm quite impressed by that. The constant struggle for Jazz to remain good and actually winning was a wonderful little twist too.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Oooh well this is a cute little start here to proceedings. Looks like we've got ourselves quite a lively young woman there that everyone seems to love and especially appreciate the costumes of. Definitely quite the moment to start off with.
Oh dear well already a bit of a sketchy start there, looks like Jazz is in fact a supernatural monster, not two ways about that, now to see if she's friendly or just trying to trick everyone into liking her so that she can wreak havoc later on here.
Well that definitely looks like a very magical deer there. I definitely haven't seen any dear with that particular vibe to it before. Certainly looks like it would be a pretty cute animal.
Oh that's not a good sign. Normally cute fantasy dear do not cause people to collapse like that. It looks like something about these deer is not right, or something else went down at any rate.
Oooh well looks like despite all that Jazz has to go about with business as usual there. We'll see what's going to come of this one. We can get a good look at why she's so famous and especially for her Halloween parties here.
Oooh well that's an interesting set of thoughts that's for sure. Jazz sure does seem to be very deeply entrenched in the supernatural and the darker sides of it too although she does seem to genuinely not want to hurt anyone that's innocent.
Oooh well this is something. A normal day in school but a little flashback to when Jazz embraced that supernatural side from the looks of things. So she was not always supernatural, well that definitely opens things up quite nicely here.
Oooh well Jazz seems to really have a special connection to Amoret there and specifically wanting to be her friend again. Looks like that was a moment that really struck Jazz the hardest even more than turning into a supernatural monster.
Oooh this is interesting, both the way that Amoret was lost there and how Jazz tried to get her back and how even now she can't do anything about it because the deer it seems was the one who pulled some very freaky magic on the whole situation.
Well looks like that deer is quite the horrible spirit there. I wasn't expecting that deer to have quite that much of an agenda but wow this is perhaps the most evil deer I have ever encountered. I don't think I've ever seen a deer that was portrayed in a light like this.
Oh no, oh dear. Quite literally there wow. I did not think being turned in a demonic deer would be on the list of scary things that could happen but here we are and on top of it poor Amoret died being forced through the same horrifying transformation.
Oh dear well that's a real tough choice to be having to make especially given its quite clear that Jazz here really likes all of her classmates and would very much not like any of them to die.
Oooh it looks like Jazz has figured something out there perhaps. Definitely an intriguing little proposition there to think about. A lot of things there to think through before Jazz can commit to a path like that.
Oooh welll it looks like Jazz is desperately trying what she can, and instead we just have a flashback to when she had to come home and explain everything that had just gone down to her parents there.
Oh dear, well looks like that's what became of her poor parents as she transformed into a proper monster and top of all of that, this deer seems to be a little cautious there about walking easily into her well laid trap there.
Well this looks like a interesting and decisive moment for Jazz here, with her plan not working out and her just getting rather desperate there to do something here. We'll see how this pans out as we go on forth.
Well here we go, Jazz really laying down that lay and saying that her classmates are not going to get harmed. Good to establish firmly there that Jazz is in fact going to not get corrupted by this.
Well here we go. Jazz making a break for the last moment here and hoping that something will come of it. Really hoping she can come out alive in this. This is getting tense now.
Oooh here we go. The plot is thickening and a conclusion we are flying towards. I am so excited to see how this is going to play out. Jazz really deserves a happy ending at this point.
Oh dear that dear is one insistent demon there. This might be one of the scariest characters you've managed to conjure up here and I would never have though it to be a deer.
Well looks like Jazz has been resisting this terrible urge for a long, long time now. Its impressive how far she's come. She's been more resistant to corruption than a lot of people.
Well that's about as beautiful an end as you can imagine to a piece like that. It looks like about as well as it could go, the friends reunited in some capacity and a better future in sight too.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think another wonderful addition to the works of vampricone. Ahh I keep discovering more and more of these gems all throughout the green room and I shall keep reviewing them too!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello, vampricone! Wist back again to review another one of your works. This story is morbid, gruesome, and everything I have come to expect from your writing. However, it's written in a slightly different style than your other works, which is fascinating. With that said, let's dive right now.
In the intro, you established this:
However, we never see this mentioned infectious joy. The only time we really see her interacting with people, both with the crowd in Chapter Four and Amoret in Chapter Two, she comes off as quite annoyed and terse. I'm sure you've heard the writing advice of show, don't tell. However, I'll say that stories are a delicate balance of show and tell. If you tell the reader something but never demonstrate it, your readers will be confused since you're telling them facts you never prove. You can write that Jazzlyn has an infectious joy, but if the readers see it in action, they'll never associate Jazzlyn with that joy.
The immediate cut from Jazzlyn being this popular girl to being a monster with pink claws made me laugh. It's a fun twist on the "not like other girls" trope and is an immediate payoff to the questions you introduced in the beginning. Nicely done!
It's a minor thing here. You introduce the deer as pink and blue, but after this, the deer is never mentioned as pink again. Is that on purpose? Did Jazzlyn absorb the pink? Did you change your mind about the color scheme? It's never fully addressed, so it seems like an odd detail.
Another minor thing, but when you say she felt like she was going to faint into the Earth makes it sound like she is going to end up underground somehow. You don't have to say where she's going if she were to faint, as most people picture fainting as a falling motion, so they're able to understand she would end up on the floor.
Again, we're back to saying Jazzlyn is happy but not showing it. Nothing she does in Chapter Four exudes happiness. It sounds like she's on autopilot, taking no joy from the conversations with the students. You never even mention her faking happiness, either. There's no smile, no laughter. Just boring questions and straight answers.
This is just oddly phrased. No one says "male their moments." It's usually "make their day."
The Chapter Eight flashback is very abrupt and interrupts the narrative flow. I would probably move it to be before Chapter Seven, so trying to hug Amoret can be uninterrupted, and the readers can bask in it.
This line is italicized, the style you have reserved for thoughts and flashbacks. Using it now on this line confuses the readers as to whether Jazzlyn is thinking this or shouting. If she is thinking it, you should make that more apparent. If she is yelling, you should get rid of the italics.
What is the line referring to? Because later in the story, you establish that only killing a classmate will make Jazzlyn human again. So is the deer referring to a glamour? Is it just lying? What exactly is being said here? It's very unclear.
The Chapter Nine and Chapter Eleven flashbacks probably should have stayed together. Cutting off a character in the middle of a sentence doesn't build tension and could frustrate your readers. Especially since Chapter Ten was so short and about something completely different.
This is an excellent description of fear! It's a description that you can feel, makes you shudder, and isn't overused. Great job!
Chapter Twelve and Chapter Thirteen are too short and similar to be separated into different chapters. They'd work better as one.
I feel like the scene of her killing her parents would benefit from being drawn out more. Just saying she slashed their skin doesn't carry the same emotional weight of feeling herself walk toward a parent and kill them. The other reacting and killing them, too. Turning this into an action scene would show the readers how this affects Jazzlyn.
This was never established and never mentioned again. Does she know what the deer's weaknesses are? If so, what are they, and will she use them against the deer?
So, this crack opens a lot of questions. How did the crack get there? If she saved Amoret by crawling into the crack and finding Amoret in a hole, why does she mention stealing the deer's eyes? Did she steal the deer's eyes? If so, why didn't you write that? It just looks pretty sudden and too unexplained. It reads like the easy way out of the conflict. Some more explanation would help.
When did Jazzlyn get wings? They were never mentioned before in the story and seem like a sudden addition without explanation.
Technically, the deer didn't lie since she never killed a classmate like the deer asked. Unless she did kill a classmate, then that should have been written. Also, it should be lied.
One last overarching critique: this story would be better without chapters. The chapters are all very short, often break in the middle of the action, and only slow the narrative down rather than build tension. If this were one cohesive short story, the pacing would be better.
Overall, this story has great potential. The idea is exciting and unique and could sustain a story from beginning to end. There are just some kinks and inconsistencies in the execution that, if fixed, would make this a thrilling tale. I hope you keep it up and keep this universe going.
Happy Writing!
Wist
Such a great work. I get goosebumps just by reading it. All the chapters are well structured. It’s interesting to see how she transforms on Halloween. The duality of one's self is always a must in order to build a good, complex character, for life is all about white and black, and even if they do not meet in the middle, they can still build a unique shade with every small description. I am very interested in how Jazzlyn meets her end, eventually.